"And I realized...this wasn't a way to live. This was a way to die." (28 Days)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Temporary Misstep

Oh Lord, I haven't health-blogged in forever! I've not been my best, but I did lose one pound last week! Well, I like to say that I stole it--I weighed 262 when I stepped on the scale that morning and refused to eat until it said 261. I just couldn't plateau another week. It took about two hours. I had to have lost something, I felt so desperate! I'm feeling really unmotivated. I know that real, lasting weight loss should be slow and steady, but gah! I hear that heavier people lose quickly at the beginning, but not so with me. If I'm losing at this rate now, what will happen when I'm at 200?! Oy.

I felt really disappointed with my Turbo Jam experience. I mean, I felt like I worked my patoot off. Ugh. However, I did lose some inches, at least. Most of it was in my bust, though! Nooooo! Actually, I'm glad to lose anywhere. I'm so frustrated. I could feel that I hadn't lost any inches in my hips and thighs before I even got out the tape measure.

As of Monday, I have come to the painful conclusion that I cannot take "off" days. By the time my body is back in the swing of being "good", it's the weekend. I have to be "good" all of the time. Oh, how that saddens me. I haven't had an Oreo in ages. But, it's so very worth it.

Yesterday, I stopped in at the Shop 'n' Save on the way to my internship because I was craving a snack. I bought some cantaloupe cubes and a banana, go me! Then I decided to just check and see what Mrs. Dash stuff they had. I found four marinades and three shakes I'd never seen before! I was so excited! Even though I grumble, this really is my new lifestyle. I might as well embrace it and enjoy the benefits.

I think that I haven't been doing my best because I haven't been writing enough. Like I said before, I often compare my journey to recovery: I can see how relapse works in my life. I have a lot of weight loss readings from Linda Spangle that I plan to write on. I'm going to try to write on one every time I feel the urge to go crazy with my eating. I really hope that helps.

I don't expect to lose any weight this week, but I hope that I can see 261 "for real" this time.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Freaking Love Chalene Johnson

Turbo Jam is GREAT! I have done various Turbo Jam workouts over the last few days (it hurt my arm, but I have to work out!), and I love it. It's so much fun, the music's great, and I get to dance. Who could ask for anything more? What a blast. I can't wait to see what effect the workouts have on my weight this week. Turbo Jam is the best!!!

I have also decided to lower my sodium intake for now. A CDC article recommends that I should eat 1,500 mg. Fortunately, I only meet one of the criteria, but I think it may be a good idea to keep my sodium down because as I age, my risk of high blood pressure will increase due to my ethnicity. Even though my pressure was low on Wednesday!

I have super great news! I got all of my blood work back yesterday and I am healthy. No diabetes, no cholesterol, no thyroid problems. That also means that I cannot have weight loss surgery now because I don't qualify in any way. Yay! I'm thrilled.

Lastly, I have decided to try a new vegetable every time we go grocery shopping. I'm hoping this will keep me interested in eating healthy foods. This time I bought a plantain. I've had them before and loved them, but had never prepared one myself. I fried the plantain and ate it with saffron rice. Delicious! The whole meal was 10 mg of sodium. Definitely a hit! I will be eating these much more often. I think my next will be a rutabaga because they look so interesting!

Friday, June 19, 2009


Another Friday, another weigh-in. Last night I got really sick. I had side effects from my tetanus shot--all throughout my internship, I felt terrible. By the time I got home, I was shivering violently and couldn't get warm. Once Kalem found I had a fever, he put me to bed. I had planned to do one last hour-long extra workout, but I felt too sick to move. I had a really hard, sweaty sleep and woke up feeling much better. I still have a fever, but I'm not as sure now.

I weighed in this morning and 262. So, no improvement, but no gain, either! I have to be honest that I feel a bit discouraged that I didn't lose anything this week. BUT I overate 4 days this week! I should be thrilled! I really need to do better.

Yesterday, I finally got Turbo Jam from the library! I've been waiting since September, so I'm thrilled! I can't wait to do it next week. I really hope it kickstarts my weight loss!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Pretty in Pink

I am only working a half-day today, so I got to dress casually. I pulled out an old pink polo that I love. I didn't expect it to fit, but I tried it on anyway. It fit. Comfortably!

I haven't been able to wear this shirt for over a year. I feel great!

I can't wait to see what else fits as my weight lowers!

Today's weight loss topic is "Appreciate good support":

This morning, Kalem was telling me how proud he is of my for working so hard and I told him that I was really excited about it but didn't want to see boastful. He complimented how I look and I said "Thanks. I feel really good."

When others compliment me, instead of brushing it off, I can be honest about how good that makes me feel. It makes me feel better and I'm sure they feel good knowing they're appreciated.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Taking Back My Height

Yesterday, at my internship, I compared myself to Melissa, who is 5'8.5". I was clearly taller than her. So, I'm taking back my height. I'm 5'9" again! That nurse was wrong!

I'm glad to be 5'9" again. I like this height. It's what I wanted when I was younger (and I got there), so I'm not giving it up so easily.

With that said, I know that my goal milestones are going to change. So, here they are:
  • Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds) CHECK!
  • Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)
  • Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
  • Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
  • Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
  • Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
  • Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
  • Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
  • Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
  • Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)
  • Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
  • Meet final goal (150 pounds)

I also have changed my BMI for my weekly measurements. Right now, I weigh 262 pounds and my BMI is 38.7 . I'm still excited that I don't qualify for illness-free lap band surgery, even if I accomplished it much sooner than I thought (I actually didn't to begin with!). Now, the next lap band surgery is closer. Yay!

Today's weight loss topic is "Here's What I Want":

1. If you see me eating something that’s not on my diet plan, ask me if I’ve had a bad day and give me a hug.

2. When I’m making progress, such as losing weight, compliment me on how I look but never comment on my progress in front of others.

3. When I’m struggling or gaining weight, tell me you notice and really care about my struggle, hug me and show me extra affection, and ask me how you can help.

4. When I’m making progress you can’t see (such as improving my self-esteem), ask me how my efforts are going and give me non-food gifts and rewards.

5. When I’ve maintained my weight (even though I may still want to lose more), tell me you are proud of my current efforts and compliment me on my looks and my efforts.

These are my answers given for the quiz of the day.

Today, my skirt's too big. Huzzah!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Off the Wagon

I had something of a bender this weekend. I ate what I wanted and didn't care. Okay, I cared, but not enough to not overeat. On Friday I knew I was going to go over. On Saturday, Kalem and I went to Golden Corral for breakfast so I knew I was going to go over by 10AM. And it was so bad, which makes it such a waste! So, after that, I ate with wild abandon. Why not--I was already over for the day! Yesterday, I stayed within my limit, but it was SO TOUGH. Still, I did it! Today has been hard, too. I feel the need to eat constantly. I have about 800 mg left after dinner. In Hotline today, there were peanut butter pretzels and Cheez-Its. What the heck?! Talk about temptation! I had one serving of the pretzels (+1 more) and stopped there. They were too salty (though delicious)! Go figure.

On the way to my internship, I stopped at CVS for a snack. I had planned on white cheddar popcorn but that was out of the question. Almost everything was! I just wanted to buy a bag of something and it be okay. I felt so desperate. I had applesauce in my bag but that wasn't going to cut it. I ended up with Triscuits. They were fairly good, thought there was something I didn't quite like about the flavor. Either way, I am currently not hungry. To be honest, I wasn't hungry before I ate them. I just wanted to eat. I am trying to work more on that. This time I wanted to eat so I didn't end up stuffing my face at my internship. I need to learn to be more comfortable with eating in front of others.

I'm looking into getting a new walking DVD! I'm excited. I've been thinking of getting the stretchie band thing to do some toning. I'm not sure which DVD I want so I'm getting some from the library to check out beforehand.

I want Cheetos!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Day Off

I'm postponing today's weight loss topic until tomorrow because I took a day off, diet-wise. I am picking up another hour of walking in hopes of still losing some weight this week. See you tomorrow!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Not an Island

Today was weigh-in day. The results: I did not lose any weight. BUT I didn't gain any, either! AND I started my period yesterday! AND I lost another .5 inch! So, I feel pretty good. :). I was a little down on myself, but I feel that I'll be okay next week once my period's over.

I was a bad, bad girl today. I ate tons of cereal (I've got to lay off the Frosted Flakes!), added salt to our mashed potatoes and gravy, and then, upon realizing I was over anyway, ate a pint of ice cream. I'm not too upset, because I always go over at least one day. I'll be better from now on.

I had a good talk with my "coach" (Mama) and got a lot of great food ideas. Having as many low-sodium options as I can really help keeps me on track. I'm actually looking forward to grocery day so I can investigate!

Today's weight loss topic is "Help me, please":
I am always happy to get compliments that I look more toned or healthier and that I seem to have more energy now that I'm losing weight. I also appreciate clearing the table right after one serving.
I do not appreciate someone saying "do you really want to eat that?". While it works, it makes me really resentful toward the person who said it. I really HATE weight loss tips when I don't ask for them, too.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Yes, I Can!

Today's weight loss topic is "I can do it!":
  • I can do it because I have put my heart and soul into this process.
  • I can do it because I have a healthy woman bursting to get through.
  • I can do it because I believe in myself.
  • I can do it because I am worth it.

Yes, I can! In addition to these reasons, I can do it because I want all of those reasons in my little book to come true. So, I can do it, because I have no choice. There is no other way for me to live now. I must get healthy.

I didn't end up working out after all last night. I was just so stressed and worn out. I don't feel all that guilty because I've already done all of my prescribed exercise and I was just trying to supplement. I have gone over on my sodium before and still lost weight. I've done what I can this week. If I don't lose, I'll work even harder to have healthier coping skills.

I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Today's topic is "Protect Your Program":

  • Three high-risk times for overeating for me are when I'm in the Hotline office, on Friday nights, and when I am out with the Brigade.
  • I can protect my program by saying "Not just yet. I'm going to wait a little while."
  • I haven't protected my program yet, but I will use this technique from now on.

I've done much better today than yesterday. I am not going to let my work stress affect my weight loss goals. Unfortunately, I forgot my lunch, but I still did okay by eating the lowest-possible foods from Panera. So, I'm okay!

I plan to pick up an extra hour of working out tonight and tomorrow, so hopefully I'll still lose some weight!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Something to Look Forward To

Today's daily topic is "Magic Notebook":

I like the idea of writing down what I am craving instead of eating it, but I'm not sure how it will work for me. I wonder if writing it will just make me want it even more. But, I am willing to try anything!

I haven't had an Oreo since my birthday, I think. Even though I haven't, I think about them often. Since I've lasted so long without them, I think I'll write about something else. I have eaten chocolate fudge brownie Ben and Jerry's about every other weekend. I feel that I really need to stop doing this because in no way does it help with my weight loss goals! So, the next time I crave it, I will remind myself that a pint has 1,000 calories and tons of fat! I will remind myself that I can eat frozen yogurt or whipped cream or another better alternative. The next time I crave it, I will remind myself that I recently had it and encourage myself to put it off for another week (and another week and another...). The next time I eat it, I will eat a serving at a time.

Today has been a mess. I've been really stressed out about work and not eating well. I have really got to work on my coping skills! Still, I'm proud of myself for not going too far overboard. I did eat at Wendy's (bad Chavonne, bad!), but other than that, I can recover from this. Yesterday, I went over by about 100 mg, too. I'm going to pick up an extra workout or two and I should be fine. I went against my own "rule" and weighed myself and I haven't gained, so I feel good. Hopefully I can lose at least a pound this week.

Monday, June 8, 2009

On the Road

Today's weight-loss topic is "Boundaries, not diets":

Narrow road

  • 1,800 calories/day
  • Walk 30 minutes every day
  • No sugar
  • No salt
  • No meat
  • No fast food
  • No eating out
  • Only serving sizes

Wide road

  • Staying within sodium limit every day
  • 3.5 hours of exercise per week
  • No more than two days going over sodium limit
  • Use serving sizes as a guide
  • Limited sugar
  • Limited meat
  • Limited eating out
  • Limited fast food

I can be flexible by following the wider road while trying to lose weight. I feel much better knowing I have some flexibility!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Just Do It

Today's weight loss topic is "Do It Anyway":
  • I didn't want to walk for as long as I did, but I did it anyway.
  • It felt really good to accomplish something physical, even though I didn't want to! I know that I will be glad for it when I don't have to walk more on Tuesday.
  • I am committed to taking the stairs, working out, and not eating fast food, even if I do not want to at the moment.

Not too much has happened health-wise since I last wrote. I walked for 1.5 hours, cooked my lunch for tomorrow, and ate dinner. I tried a new recipe (Barley Mushroom Risotto) and it turned out really, really good. I used sodium-free broth and didn't add the salt it called for and I still like it! It's funny--two months ago I would have gagged at the thought!

On Milestones

Last night, while reading about weight loss, I wondered if I was thinking too much. If I needed to just let go. I think in a way I am overthinking it. But I also feel that at this point, I have to. I am trying to set myself up for success and the way to do that right now is to write as much as I can and to engage in a lot of positive self-talk. I think that as I get further in my weight loss, it won't take up so much of my thinking.

I've realized that it's going to take at least a year to lose all of this weight. If I lose at the rate I have so far, it's going to take two. And I'm okay with that. This is the first time I've felt okay with it. I am not frustrated. It took longer than two years to pack on 120 pounds; shouldn't I be thrilled that it takes less time to get it off?! I'm okay to give it as much time as I need to, as I refuse to accept the alternative.

This weekend, I've also been thinking about the milestones I'm looking forward to. I think I could create about a million if I want to, but here are my top ten, for now:
  • Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds) CHECK!
  • Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)
  • Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
  • Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
  • Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (229 pounds)
  • Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
  • Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
  • Have an "overweight" BMI (196 pounds)
  • Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
  • Fit a pair of jeans size 12 (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)
  • Have a "normal" BMI (163 pounds)
  • Meet final goal (150 pounds)

Okay, that's 12. :). I like these milestones. They're all fairly close and feel attainable. Of course, I'm taking it one day at a time (with more focus on each 5-pound increment), but I'll be pretty darn excited getting to each of them. I'll have to think of fun, healthy ways to celebrate all of them.

I've also tried to understand why I made 150 pounds my goal weight. I thought it was because it was some significant BMI number from when I thought I was 5'9". But there really isn't. I think it's because I like it. :). It's a nice round number that gives me some wiggle room as I age (I hope to never weigh above 175 again). So, I think I'll keep it.

I'm also thinking of what else I should do other than walking. I don't plan to do any exercises with impact for a while, but I do know I'll have to start lifting weights sooner than later. I'm going to read up on it a bit.

I feel great!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Really, Really Committed

Today's weight loss topic is "Interested or Committed?":

  • I am committed to losing my weight-loss plan no matter what!
  • I will stick to my program no matter what by taking it one day at a time, focusing of smaller weight-loss goals instead of the overall one, and believing in myself.
  • To show that I am truly committed, I went walking, didn't redeem my Ben and Jerry's coupon(s), and did reading on weight loss!

In relation to focusing only on small goals, I am prepared to focus on only 5 pounds at a time. So here's to weighing 260!

I've been thinking further about what my next "big" weight loss goal will be (other than the ultimate one, of course). My first goal was to not qualify for weight-loss surgery. To do so, I had to have a BMI lower than 40. There is still another possible way to get the surgery, though: if one has a weight-related illness, they can still qualify for a BMI of 35 or higher. As far as I know, I don't have any. But what if I have something and don't know? So my next big goal is to get down to a BMI of less than 35. I'm looking forward to 229!

I've been reading "Half-Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir" and am really enjoying it. It has me really looking forward to all of the future rewards of being smaller. I know that I still have a long way to go and I need to remember to take it one day at a time, though. Thinking too far ahead is what has gotten me in trouble in the past. So, I'm going to keep taking it slow and not getting too down on myself.

I had a really good day. I ate some Frito Pie that was great but I know was way too salty. Fortunately, I didn't have too much and was able to stop myself. Also, I took a walk in Frick Park and Kalem joined me! It was really nice. I hope that we keep this up and become a healthier couple together.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Back (Though Here All Along)

So, since I last wrote, a lot has happened. I have stayed committed to my new lifestyle (yay!) and have lost eight pounds and 3.25 inches! I feel great. Since trying to lose weight in the last few years, this is the most consistent I've been. The most significant thing to happen in these few weeks is that I no longer qualify for weight loss surgery! Yay yay yay! I've seriously been considering going through the process of having the surgery, but now the option has been taken away. I've worked really hard to get to this point, so I was glad, but at the same time I'm really scared! I don't have the backup plan available to me anymore. I am no longer morbidly obese...I'm now only obese! Yay! I know that I've lost eight pounds and still hope to lose another 112, but I feel like a model! I feel like putting a dress and heels on and strutting my stuff on a catwalk! :). This feels great.

To celebrate this milestone, I ate a candy bar (rather than the pack of Oreos that looked SO good!) and took a walk in the park. It was lovely! And it feels really good to be rewarding myself with much healthier choices than I would before.

From this point forward, I plan to do the 100 days of weight loss writing. I think it will help keep me on top of my efforts. I really have found that writing helps me get through the tough times. On Thursday, I had an intense craving for dessert and I "wrote through it". I wrote about why I didn't really want it and why I was feeling that I did. And it worked! I also wrote all of my reasons for losing weight in a little tiny book and I carry that around with me for when I feel desperate to eat or want some extra motivation. It's been really helping so far.

Sometimes I feel like I talk about my weight loss as if I'm in recovery from addiction. Sometimes I feel like I am. I sometimes feel a real compulsion to eat, even when I can't eat anything more. But I think the biggest thing is learning how to eat in a healthy way and exercise, even when I don't want to. And I am so ready for this.

During my internship last week, I heard the quote "I realized this wasn't a way to live. This was a way to die." That's exactly how I feel. Since I've started writing again on this blog, I've seen how much time I've wasted not being healthy. It makes me really sad. But it motivates me. I can do this. I have to. I don't have any other choice. If I want to be here in my sixties (heck, thirties!), I have to change RIGHT NOW.

I feel really great about how hard I've been working. I can't wait to see what else is ahead of me.