A Way To Live

Two-for-One

2009-09-08T18:45:00.001-04:00

The last time I blogged, I mentioned that I may be combining my blogs because I’m just not writing very much in either. So, for the month of September, I’ll be trying that out. I’m not sure if it’s a permanent change yet. I do think it’s a good idea, though—after all, my life’s not compartmentalized! My daily blog is at www.wrightwoman.blogspot.com and I’ll be only writing from there for now. See you there!

Moving Right Along

2009-08-27T21:15:00.004-04:00

So much has happened since I last wrote! I really feel that I am making progress. I'm really starting to get into the groove and realizing this isn't a diet, but my way of life now.

Since I last wrote, I got a lot of great feedback about fast food. If I want to eat it, I'll eat it. I won't restrict myself from it. But I am noticing how unhappy it makes my belly, so I am eating less of it already. I've been cooking a lot and really enjoying it. I have started eating rice and gravy again--something I couldn't do before while on my low-sodium diet. It's delightful. I'd forgotten how much I love it! I also made homemade sweet potato fries for dinner tonight and it was so flipping great. Wow, am I loving eating again!

On Friday after work, I got the crazy urge to run. The weather was delightful--warm and breezy. I just couldn't stay in the house. Plus, Kalem was out with his best friend. So, I decided to go for a run and then treat myself to a night at the movies. It felt really good to get out there. I hadn't run in at least a year! My calves were aching by the time I finished (same as before!). Afterwards, I decided that I may need to walk for a while before I'm able to really get back into it. My body was quite achy afterwards. But, I love the feeling I used to have! And I don't want to feel unable to because of my weight. So, I'm thinking about trying it again. I'm not sure yet. I'm aslo feeling really compelled to pick up strength-training. I've never been good about lifting, but I know it's helpful to being healthy, strong, and flexible. We're also talking about buying some big piece exercise equipment for the winter time, but we'll see. I used to love running in the winter, so we might hold off on that. I'll be writing about my workout plans soon.

On Saturday, the hubs and I went winter shopping on Saturday and had a great time, surprisingly. We both agreed to be completely honest when things were too tight and not even pretend we'd fit in items in the "normal" section. So, to the "plus-size" sections we went and bought a lot of great warm clothing. The next day was the real challenge. As we began to add our new clothes to our closets, we decided it was time to remove those that no longer fit in some way. It was really hard, because there were a lot of memories attached to some things. Of course, I kept my wedding dress, but the dress I got engaged in had to go. I even got rid of my "goal jeans"! We got rid of about half of our clothes and donated them. I thought about keeping some smaller clothes, but I am learning to be okay with the fact that I may not lose any weight as I learn to eat intuitively. Now, though, it feels great to get up and find something to wear. I know everything will fit and that I look nice wearing it. I feel so much more comfortable in my body right now. It feels so great!

I've been under the weather for about a week now. For the last two weeks or so, I've been a bit congested and didn't do anything about it because I thought it was just allergies. This week, though, I've been feeling a bit worse. I haven't taken a full day off, so I feel my cold's just been moseying along, not decreasing. I'm feeling a lot better now, but am still battling some dizziness. Hopefully it will be over soon!

I have had a crazy summer health-wise: a really bad cold during our second-anniversary celebration, a reaction to a tetanus shot, allergies, and now this thing. I normally have a really remarkable immune system--I barely ever get sick! I'm hoping that as I get further into IE and exercising again, it will build up again. I especially think that my getting active again will really help with that. I hate feeling sick and tired and really hope to feeling healthy again.

A few weeks ago, Kalem had some chest pain and it really scared my straight. We both talked about the fact that we both need to get active and decided that we could walk the dogs every morning before work. Well, we haven't done it one day yet! We absolutely hate waking up any earlier than we absolutely must! Still, it's the only time we have in common that we can exercise together. I'm really committed to getting this started, but it's so very hard. We're going to start this next week hopefully.

That's really all that's going on with me (I guess I'm not so busy!). I'm strongly considering combining this and daily life blog. I don't write very often and it just might make sense. We'll see!

Well, it's almost been a month since we started IE! Next Tuesday, I'll be writing on how I feel it's going!

Slow and Steady

2009-08-18T21:42:00.004-04:00

Today, I went to lunch at Qdoba. I was having a crazy day at home and had no time to grab anything more nutritious. Plus, it had been weeks since I had been there. So, I ordered a vegetarian taco salad and dug in. I was hungry when began. I ate until I felt full. And continued to eat. And eat. And eat, until it was gone. I was stuffed. After finishing, I took my quick, customary 15-minute lunch break walk and it was incredibly uncomfortable. I was so full and yucky-feeling.

I went to the forum for some support. I read a great thread in the Bare Bones Basics section and feel really comforted and secure in the fact that, for right now, I need to keep it as simple as possible. For now I will focus on what I said at the beginning: eating what I want when I'm hungry and stopping when I am full. At this point, I feel like I can't focus on anything else. I'm not even close to mastering this!

I'm seriously contemplating taking some time away from eating fast food. I don't oarticularly like fast food, but I find myself eating it more than I like. I love home-cooked food and take pleasure in eating leftovers. I just have to be better about preparing food. Normally I do this well, but work has been just bonkers lately. I am such a "Waste Not" eater. I hate the idea of letting food go to waste, especially given that we work so hard to afford it! I'm confused as to whether this is the diet mentality kicking in or a helpful way to learn to focus on my hunger and fullness. I've asked for some advice and hope to get some guidance soon.

I am feeling really calm about this. I know that I've eaten non-intuitively for many years and it's going to take some significant time to learn not to.

I've been doing rather well! I've decided not to begin running for now. For sure, I plan to wait until I get a little fitter and I feel more comfortable doing high-impact exercise. If I ever do--I love low-impact workouts and believe one can be healthy and fit without bouncing all over the place. I can't wait until I am out of school and have time to start belly dancing again. I absolutely adored it. I want to learn tap, too. For now, I've been lifting weights and walking. I feel really good about getting active. I've also been taking more care in my appearance and making sure to wear clothing that makes me feel good about my body. It's remarkable how much that's positively affected my attitude. It's time to stop saying, "When I'm thin, I'll...". I have to live now. My weight should never get in the way.

Today, Kalem and I sat down to dinner at the table and didn't talk much. We were very focused on our food. And, get this--we stopped when we were full! Hot dang! It felt great! I hope we soon learn how to do this and still have great dinner conversation! :)

I received my "Clearing Emotional Blocks" CD and will be posting a review soon!

Shopping Trip

2009-08-14T20:19:00.004-04:00

Today, Kalem and I went grocery shopping for the first time since we started Intuitive Eating. It was a much different (and better) experience than what we've had in at least five years! It was remarkable to walk through the aisles and pick what we thought would taste good without my spending time poring over the labels. There were a good many things that we got that I was excited about, but I was most thrilled about buying cream of mushroom soup and gravy mixes. I used to use these regularly in my cooking--I love rice and gravy! I haven't had it in many, many months because of my low-sodium diet. Now I am thrilled to enjoy brown rice and gravy to my heart's content! What was really cool about our trip was my honey saying, "Even though it seems like we overspent today because we're so excited to eat normally again, the food will last so much longer because we're only eating when we're hungry". Bingo! I'm so thrilled that we're both so committed to this new life.

I had a bit of fear creep in again about gaining weight because I'm going to be eating foods I may not have had in our home in what seems like forever. However, I told myself again that this is part of the process. I am now learning the tools to eat what I like without overeating. It feels lovely. I'm glad to be learning to listen to my body and eat in a much saner way.

Another Tool for the Kit

2009-08-12T21:17:00.015-04:00

I've had a rather interesting eating pattern for the past few days. I've started off doing well with only eating when I was hungry at the beginning of the day. Then, I've ended up eating just because I'm so used to eating at certain times? Was I hungry? No. But I felt I had to eat because it was time.

So, what does this teach me? That I really need to continuously ask myself if I'm hungry and only eat when I am. I'm not frustrated with myself at all--I'm just interested in learning to use each instance of overeating as an opportunity for growth.

I've also felt somewhat emotional today. I started off my day quite well. I read another blogger's site that led me to really question using hypnosis as a healing tool during part of my journey with Intuitive Eating. I was initially really hesitant--it's nothing I've really thought about.

I am doing some deep reflection about some issues going on with my job; there's a chance of something happening that could cause really big changes for me. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up because there's a real chance it won't happen. As I was thinking about this, I ended up overeating. I was anxious, so I ate. I took a walk during my lunch break and that really helped. Then I had a two-hour meeting that had popcorn and chocolate and I ate even though I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry, but I was bored and ready to end my work day, and I ate when not hungry.

I did a lot of reading on the IE forum about using hypnosis. Jennifer Poole, the hypnotherapist who crafted the hypnosis tools that are recommended, was gracious enough to allay some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She also directed me to a wonderful article about hypnosis by the Mayo Clinic.

Still, I felt hesitant. Because I love lists, I explored the pros and cons of trying this method out. I've decided to give it a try. There were a number of reasons I was against it, but I worked through them:

I don't want to pay this much for a CD! I looked in our study at all of the diet books and materials I own (I know I need to get rid of them, but I plan to take them to Half-Price Books to get credit for books I'll enjoy!). Also, Kalem spends tons on video games. I won't make us bankrupt by spending this money!
I don't know if this will work for me. What's the harm in trying?! In my "previous life", if I had been told I'd lose 100 pounds by doing this, I'd have paid any amount of money. I'm trying to be a healthy, calm, happy Intuitive Eater now. If this helps, I'm willing to try!
I'm afraid of the feelings that might be dredged up. Let the feelings come. I've stuffed them down with food too many times. It's time to release the angst within.
Kalem fusses when I read in bed. Won't he fuss with this?! I can go to the bedroom early to do this and still be able to talk with my hubby before going to bed. Most of the time he falls asleep so quickly he won't notice anyway. He'll be fine. :).
My parents are going to think I'm even more "hippy-dippy". They don't even know I've started IE yet! I'm an adult. Maybe my parents will want to try it one day!

So, I'm doing it! On her website, Ms. Poole suggests that one does the "Clearing Emotional Blocks" meditation for at least a month before beginning the "Intuitive Eating for Weight Release" CD. I have ordered the first CD and am eagerly awaiting its arrival. I've decided to wait to order the second CD to ensure that I give myself as much time as I need with this meditation (I know that I feel most excited about the second CD right now!).

On another note, I've been exercising daily and feel really great about it. I'm reminding myself that it's about how my body feels because of it and it really helps. I love how flexible and alert I feel now that I'm moving my body regularly. I'm going to start implementing weight lifting soon and am looking forward to strengthening my upper body as well! I'm still reading the IE book and making good progress. I also got the CD to listen to at a later date. I'm loving this journey!

Catching Up

2009-08-10T10:52:00.007-04:00

It's been a while since I've written, I know. I've been consistently trying to adhere to the principles of IE. Since I began, I've noticed some real changes. I'm really excited about it. I'm still reading the book, incredibly slowly (mostly because I've been reading really good fiction that I just can't put down!). Mostly I read it before I go to bed. I don't carry it out of the house because I'm not comfortable talking about it yet.

Since beginning IE, I've been doing all right at not eating when I'm not hungry. There are a few areas I have a LOT of work to do. I'm doing okay at only starting to eat when I'm hungry. I just can't seem to stop when I no longer am. Boy, am I a member of the Clean Plate Club! It's going to be difficult learning not to be! I either stop eating when there's nothing on my plate or I'm so full I feel sick (or both).

I've been working out regularly and it's been nice. Now that it's sleeveless season, I feel very aware that I need to work on my arms! I have very little upper body strength as compared to my lower and would love to work on that. I think doing so would help strengthen my core which i also feel would help with my upper back pain. In addition, I feel the very strong urge to start running again. I used to a few years ago and loved it! When I got hurt and lazy again, I just couldn't get the gumption to start again. I'd love to have that rush that running gave me again--no other workout has really done that for me again. I never lost any weight from running, but I did tone up quite a bit. I actually planned to run yesterday, but when I got up it was SO hot/humid (and it was only 8). Instead, I went for a walk with the hubby and dogs. I'm glad I did, because when we got home, we found out it was an Air Quality Action day (I don't really know what this means, but when they say it on the news, it means "move as little as possible because it's so hot you'll pass out if you do more than breathe"). By the time we got back into the car, we were covered in sweat and the dogs were half-asleep. It was a nice way to work out. We've talked about running, but we're so lazy! The thoughts of getting up early to run are just too much. I loved running in the winter with the snow crunching under my shoes. Hmm...okay, I've really psyched myself out for it now! I'm going to try to start up soon!

I'm struggling emotionally with something that I read on the IE forum. A very brave member stated that she had gained weight since starting this journey. The book also says that this can happen as well. I am terrified of gaining weight. I am really focused on this journey, but the thought of getting any bigger scares the bejesus out of me. What if I gain a lot? What if I go over 300 pounds? I'm trying my best to be patient, but I know that this will be my biggest struggle--just trusting the process. From the feel of my clothing, I'm at about the same weight now. I'm doing my best to be patient and understanding of my body.

Overall, though, I'm feeling good. I'm so glad that I made this change and look forward to seeing the peace it will give me.

The Ten Principles

2009-08-04T16:11:00.007-04:00

This is the fourth day that I've been eating intuitively. So far, it's been going well, though I haven't stopped to acknowledge my fullness every time. Papa got some bad health news and I completely regressed and proceeded to eat my feelings. Except that this time, I only ate half of my feelings! I was really wowed by one of the comments I read in the book that said that a client said not to feel bad about a binge, but use it as a learning opportunity. After talking to my mom, I knew I'd overeat. I knew I wasn't hungry. I think that the reason that I didn't eat as much as I normally would was because I was more aware of the fact that I wasn't hungry and that I went to lunch with a friend rather than eating alone. I'm okay with eating alone, but not when super-upset. I realize that I can work to feel my feelings.

I am still actively reading the book, but thought I'd share the 10 principles of the concept:

Reject the diet mentality
Honor your hunger
Make peace with food
Challenge the food police
Respect your fullness
Discover the satisfaction factor
Honor your feelings without using food
Respect your body
Exercise--feel the difference
Honor your health

I'm really so excited about all of this. As I haven't read the book in its entirety, I've been advised to do the bare basics for now. I'm eating what I want when I want and stopping when I'm full. It hasn't gone wonderfully yet, but I'm not feeling guilty about it. I'm learning to better listen to my body and hunger signals. I've been working out every day and instead of focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on how good it makes my body feel. I've enjoyed it so far. I'm not a huge fan of exercise but am really trying to remind myself that I feel better after I do (which is true). I'm thinking that maybe if I find the right type of exercise, one that gets me excited and that I can enjoy, it won't feel like such a burden.

So, I'm sure that I won't be writing as frequently until I get through the book entirely. But I'm around!

And Sharon, you totally rock for leaving such a supportive message on my last entry. We'll both find our happy place soon!

IE's The Life For Me!

2009-08-03T17:16:00.005-04:00

Sigh. Okay. I've been writing this entry in my head since Friday, but have only found the courage to do so now. A few days ago, I wrote an entry in which I asked whether I should be focusing on something other than weight loss. I questioned if I would lose my mind living like this the rest of my life.

The next morning I woke up and had an answer for myself. I don't want to be counting calories (or sodium or carbs) for the rest of my life. I want to be healthy, no doubt, but I want to not worry about this forever. I was done with dieting.

I had heard of Intuitive Eating before. I took the book out a few months ago and read some of it. I wasn't ready at the time. I remember reading the first few chapters and saying, "I'm going to do this after I lose all of the weight. I want to be thin before I start this lifestyle." Ha! I now know that that was really faulty thinking.

So, I've made the resolution to never diet again. It's liberating as well as incredibly terrifying. I've been on a diet for at least the last 10 years! I'm scared to not be trying to be thin. But I'm so ready for this.

Kalem will be doing this with me as well. We feel really ready for this change in our lives. Maybe we will lose weight, maybe we won't. But we're (mostly, I'm) tired of the constant battle with food and weight.

The reason that I was so hesitant to write this entry was because I was sad that there's a real chance I'll lose the support of bloggers I've really come to lean on and appreciate in the last month or so. I'll still support others, but I truly don't believe that dieting works. I don't want to criticize what others are doing and/or what's working for them. So, we'll see how that changes this blog.

A good change, though, is that Kalem will be blogging here, too!

At this point, I'm doing the bare basics: eating what I want when I'm hungry and stopping when I no longer am. I'm reading through "the book" all the way through and then will go back and work through each principle at a much slower pace. I'll continue to write as I do so. I've already got an entry brewing in my head!

I wish all of my readers complete success in their health endeavours. I'm really excited about this process.

Big Changes

2009-08-02T19:01:00.002-04:00

I've made a big, big decision to change the way I eat and how I treat my body. I will be blogging about this soon, but I had to say that I'm excited, terrified, and determined. I'm ready to change my life!

Poor Poor Pitiful Fat Girl

2009-07-28T22:59:00.006-04:00

Be aware, this is a rant-filled entry! Also, I'll use the word fat, but it's not in a derogatory way. And trust me, I'm including myself in this group!

Last night, "More to Love" premiered on Fox. It's touted as a dating show for the "rest of us". I knew I would hate this show. I was prepared to hate it. So, when it came on, I sat down and prepared to be mad.

And boy, was I.

I live to make lists, so here are my rants about the show:

The dude. The bachelor is a bigger guy--he's 6'3" and over 300 pounds. I think that people find love in all shapes and sizes. WHY can't these ladies find love with the type of guys seen on other dating shows? Can big girls not get guys with hot abs?!
The weights. Some of these gals are flipping gorgeous. They all were wearing gorgeous dresses and looked lovely. But any time one of the women is speaking to the camera, her weight is shown on the screen! What in the world?! You don't see that on other dating shows!
The obvious sadness. A number of these women were shown crying over how their weight has affected their not finding love. Um, what? I'm a fat woman who found love. If there are guys or ladies not giving these women attention because of their size, they're not right for them anyway! I'm not going to pretend that my size didn't affect who I dated when I was younger. We all have types. Let's not deny that. I just hate that they have to capitalize on these ladies' pain. We know that thinner people get more attention. Does there have to be a dating show to remind us?
The host. Why does she have to be a bigger woman, too?! Are skinny people afraid to come anywhere near this show?!
PROM. At the end of the show, we were told there was going to be a prom episode. You've got to be kidding me. Fat girls go to prom. Fat girls have sex. Fat girls look fabulous in prom gowns. It's insulting to insinuate that each woman needs to have a "real" prom...which isn't all that real when all of them have the same date! I'm not going to continue to compare my life to this, but I went to prom. I had a date for every fancy event in HS but one and that was by choice. I had lovers. I rock a pair of high heels. Don't give me that.
Worthiness. These women are worthy of love. A dating show is never someone's last chance. My heart ached for these women. But I was also upset by even more perpetuating of societal messages that people over a certain weight do not derserve love and affection and friendship. I'm wondering what we're supposed to feel as we watch this.

There was something good about the show that I really liked. One of the women said that she takes care of her body but just doesn't happen to be a size 4. Word! I think that as long as one is really working hard at being healthy--eating well and exercising, who cares if she's not a skinny minny?! Why should we buy into society's image of beauty? Down with sizism! I'm actually starting to question why I'm so intent on getting to a certain weight. Shouldn't my focus be health more than anything? What does everyone think? How different would people feel about themselves if they ate what they were supposed to and exercised daily without being slaves to the scales? Would we love ourselves more? Would we stop caring so much what society thinks? More to the point, would I be more willing to wear a bathing suit?

So, long story short, this show is a bunch of crap. I don't know if I'll watch it again, because it makes me SO MAD. But it's definitely got me thinking.

Some other sites I've come across that have something to say about this ridiculous show:

http://www.feministing.com/archives/016946.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-07-27/really-big-love/full/

http://shrinkingsharon.blogspot.com/2009/07/fat-bachelor.html

Food is Not My Friend

2009-07-28T17:44:00.005-04:00

I'm sad. My dad's having health problems and the DH and I are on the outs. I want someone to talk to, but who do I turn to when I feel like my best friend can't listen to me? I want to just crawl under my blankets with a dozen cookies.

I'm telling myself that I DON'T need to do that. The hubs and I will probably be fine by the end of the night--we just haven't had enough time today to hash things out. My dad's test results don't come back until Monday, so I don't need to eat like a crazy person worrying about something that might not even be a problem. He's going to be fine! I have great friends who will answer my phone call and listen to me gripe and get me back to feeling good. I have a fantastic weight loss coach (the bestest mommy in the world) who will talk me down from the ledge if I just call her up. I don't need to eat my feelings.

Anyway, as a way to get past it, I'm writing on another ezine article by Linda Spangle titled "Food as Comfort" (how fitting!). Food has served as comfort in a number of ways during my life. Food has consoled me during times of hurting and sadness. It has dulled my senses when I've felt that the emotions were too much to bear. It has been my date on Friday nights (even when I had a great boyfriend). It's been a prize for a good job. It's been my friend. One of my best friends.

Sometimes I feel afraid that once I really get past eating emotionally, I'll have to start feeling everything. I tell my clients to, instead of trying to stuff it down with food or sex or drugs/alcohol or anything else, to just feel it. Once it's felt, you can learn what to do about it. I'm learning how to do that myself.

Right now, I'm eating a homemade trail mix with dried cranberries, soy nuts, and almonds. I think it's a good step away from Oreos.

Getting Myself Back

2009-07-28T16:40:00.004-04:00

When I first started my job, I dressed to kill. Three-inch heels, skirts, makeup. I was so cute.

I've been here a little over two years and now it's not so much the case. Even though I've only (only?!) gained about 20-25 pounds since then, I'm just not as cute. I still dress up, but I haven't worn makeup on a day that wasn't my anniversary for years. I don't wear heels. I only wear skirts if I bothered to lotion that morning and the skirt doesn't cut of my stomach circulation.

I'm still one of the most-dressed up here (we're a fairly casual place), but I rarely feel like putting in the effort. I think that this stems from a number of things:

No one else dresses up.
Heels hurt my feet.
It's often too flipping humid to wear makeup
I wake up too late to dress nicely

I could spin this, of course:

I'm more comfortable with myself.
Have you seen/worn ballet flats?! Why wear anything else?
I didn't wear makeup before I started this job, so why wear it now?
I work and go to school and have a weekly internship. I need to be comfortable.
So I look like a shlub now. You should see me in the winter. I'm super cute then because I can layer!

Of course, a lot of it comes down to one fact:

I don't care enough.

Every few months, I'll step it up and put on my favorite patent leather pumps (they're completely adorable) and a dress. I feel pretty when I do and tell myself it's time to stop letting myself go. Now that I've stopped letting myself go food- and exercise-wise, I am starting to wonder if I should do more in the way of my appearance. I wonder if I'd feel better about how I look right now. I know for sure that my skin is getting better, which is great, because my acne was terrible! I didn't have skin like this in high school!

Back In the Game!

2009-07-27T22:22:00.004-04:00

Well, after a binge and crappy weigh-in, I'm back to being "good". I hate thinking of it that way, because it's not like I committed some huge atrocity or anything. I mean, I ate Mexican food (plus more)! Nevertheless, I'm back to eating healthy foods that make me feel good emotionally and physically.

Yesterday and today I did a Leslie Sansone walking DVD rather than Turbo Jam because my left leg's been bothering me since I did the Turbo Jam Lower Body workout. I wasn't willing to give up a day of working out and walking has been gentler and kinder to my body. I hope that I can get back to it soon, but I'm not going to try to push it. In addition, I started the Beck Diet Solution workout yesterday and I already really like it. I'm excited to have a better grasp on what leads me to overeat and what I can do to get healthy.

Today I mentioned to a friend that I had gained weight and she was really supportive. This is definitely one of my girlfriends that I (used to) put away more food than I meant to every time we're together. She mentioned that I may mess up, but I won't "stay" messed up because I know how much I want to be thin. I've been thinking about that all day. I don't feel that I'm really doing all of this to be thin. But, it's definitely a big part of this. I mean, of course I want to be healthy. I don't want to end up like my father. I will not. Still, I have to be honest and say that I want to be thin. Screw it, I'll say it again!

I WANT TO BE THIN!

I want to wear cute clothes, see my toes, be fabulously hot. I want to be proud of my body. I wonder if that will be my main motivation when I get frustrated and that once I get there I'll realize how important my improving health is to me as well. Or will it be the opposite?

Regardless of what keeps me going, I'm going!

I am having some confusion, though, as to whether I'm doing the right thing with my plan. Should I eat at the sodium level I plan to end up at (1500 mg) or should I taper down? I am doing okay with 1500 mg but am worried about the fact that I will plateau again. What do I do then? I know that I can increase my exercise but I want to be able to do something food-wise, too. I mean, I have a lot of weight to lose. What is everyone else doing?

I also want to thank everyone for all of their support. This has helped me stay focused and I know I'll make my goal one day!

Re-Motivated

2009-07-24T23:08:00.006-04:00

As you know from my last entry, I had a crazy time on Friday night that involved lots of Mexican food and ice cream. I was upset with myself, but told myself not to let it get to me and to keep pushing forward. I was really proud of myself for staying resolved.

Yesterday, I did well for most of the day. I worked out and ate well. However, we had company last night and had a really fun game night...that included pizza, cookies, and Cheetos. I didn't eat a crazy amount of food, but definitely more than I should have. All in all, it was a really fun night with really great company.

Sigh...well, I weighed in this morning and gained two pounds. Back to my favorite 262! But I did lose .75 more inches off of my body! I'm not even that frustrated by my weigh-in, since I did overeat the last two days before my weigh-in.

Now, I'm even more motivated to get back on track! I'm trying something new--working out daily (rather than doing all of my hours mostly on the weekend because of my busy schedule) and lowering the amount of sodium I consume (to 1500 mg rather than 2300). Also, I purchased the Beck Diet Solution Workbook and started it today. I have a lot of faith in Cognitive Therapy (as well as CBT), so I really have hope that this will work for me. It's full of list-making, so I'm really pleased about that, too.

So, I don't have awesome news, but I'm not sweating it. I have learned valuable lessons--don't eat out without first checking the nutrition facts and make sure to have healthy snacks available in social situations. I'm ready for a new week and a new opportunity to improve my health.

On another great note, yesterday DH told me he thought we should start working out together. I told him it was a great idea(!). I'm not going to push it and just wait and see if he mentions it again. I'm a bit miffed with him (not really, but I was for a minute this morning!) because he weighed himself and had lost six pounds with no effort whatsoever. Ugh. Boys stink. :). Just kidding--I'm only jealous!

running

Binge

2009-07-24T22:53:00.003-04:00

Oh, crap.

Crap crap crap.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

My parents are extremely spiritual, so out of respect for them and on the off-off-off chance that they'll read my blog one day, I don' t swear on my blog. But trust me, I said some pretty bad words before I wrote this.

I had a great day, diet-wise today. I even picked up a new workout DVD from the library (Turbo Jam Lower Body workout--SO excited!). After work, Kalem and I decided to go out to dinner to mellow out after a long, stressful workweek. We went to Don Pablo's and I quickly LOST MY HEAD. I ate everything in sight. I had chips and queso/salsa/guacamole/sour cream and then a cheese enchilada, beef taco, a flauta, refried beans, and rice. It was pretty darn good, too. But I could feel the overload of calories, fat, and sodium. I couldn't stop myself! Well, I could have, but I didn't. I was so mad at myself.

After dinner, I said, "Well, screw it, I already messed up. Might as well go all out for the night." I've had a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream and a chicken quesadilla. Ugh. I'm so mad at myself.

I know that I won't let this affect me tomorrow, but I'm so frustrated. My weigh-in will be disastrous. I feel like I'll never get to my weight goal. :(.

I'm going to try to do an extra workout tomorrow and do some reflection about what leads me to go crazy like this. I'm so eager to be much more strict on myself in order to lose weight faster, but I'm trying my best to be patient.

I'd love anyone's tips on how they avoid having crazy eating binges when they're feeling happy/sad/tired/alive/stressed/blah blah blah. I need all of the help I can get.

Now is the Time

2009-07-22T21:49:00.003-04:00

My biological father and I do not have a good relationship. Well, to be honest, we don't have one at all--he and my mother divorced when I was eight and I haven't spoken to him in 15 years. I haven't considered him my "dad" for for 17. I have been fortunate enough to have a wonderful stepdad who is everything a dad could be. I absolutely adore him.

My father has been ill for a long time. He's something like a poster child for what can happen to you if you're overweight--diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, heart problems. I won't go into details, but today my sister called and told me about how his health problems have really progressed and what the prognosis is.

This isn't the forum for me to talk about my feelings about my father. I'll probably do some writing about it on my daily-life blog, but this one is dedicated solely to my weight loss efforts. In light of that, after talking to my sister, in addition to my angst, I was immediately grateful that I have made the decision to get healthy. A big part of my deciding to lose all of this weight stemmed from the fact that I don't want to end up like my father. I'm extremely fortunate to not have any health problems, but I'm not going to test fate by staying at this size to find out if I continue to not have any. I am glad that I have this that I have the opportunity to better my life, body, and health before it's too late. Now is the time to become the person I want to be.

Today at dinner I reluctantly broached the subject of exercising together with the hubs. I worry about his health as much as mine sometimes. I know that I have no right to tell him how to take care of his body, but I love him too much to not have said anything. I'm not going to bring it up again for a while. I have a lot of weight to lose, so I'm in no shape (literally!) to try to tell him to get healthier. But, I hope he comes to the conclusion himself soon. I love my Bear!

Impatience

2009-07-21T10:38:00.002-04:00

I spend far too much time reading others' weight loss blogs lately. I really enjoy it, though--it gives me a chance to recognize that I'm not the only one trying to change for the better and having a heck of a time doing it. This morning, I read a great entry that described exactly how I am feeling today.

I feel incredible about having lost 10 pounds. I feel super sassy and really proud of my hard work. A few people have noticed a change, too.

But I'm still obese. I'll be obese (BMI-wise) for the next 58 pounds. I was in the Hotline office this morning talking about weight with some extremely thin women and felt like the literal elephant in the room. I know how hard I work. My loved ones know how hard I work. When will it be obvious to those who I don't tell?

I have been overweight for at least 15 years of my 25-year life. I want to be thin and I want it NOW! It has taken me 11 weeks to lose 10 pounds; if I keep this pace, I'll be done in November 2011. Wow, that's a long time. I'm hoping my metabolism picks up soon, but I know it might not. I'm trying to mean what I say, that I'm okay with that. It took longer than 2.5 years to get to this size. Sigh. Still, it's difficult.

I'm keeping positive, though. I feel so much better. My body's slimming. I have more energy. I feel better about myself, my health, my body. There are good things happening with me. I just have to be patient until my body catches up.

Third Milestone Down!

2009-07-20T10:11:00.002-04:00

I don't really like blogging on the weekends, because I like to spend that time off of the Internet and with my darling hubby. I blog a lot during the week because my job and internship afford me the time to. Even though I didn't blog this weekend, I had a great one weight-wise, because I reached my third milestone! I now weigh 260 pounds! Woohoo! I feel great! I am three milestones down with seventeen to go:

Begin weight loss journey (270 pounds)--4/27/2009
Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds)--6/5/2009
Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)--7/19/2009
Lose twenty pounds (250 pounds)
Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
Lose forty pounds (230 pounds)
Lose fifty pounds (220 pounds)
Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
Lose seventy pounds (200 pounds)
Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
Lose eighty pounds (190 pounds)
Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)Lose one hundred pounds (170 pounds
Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
Lose one hundred and ten pounds (160 pounds)
Meet final goal (150 pounds)

I feel so great!

I had a really great weekend. We didn't do much, which was great. Other than working out and grocery shopping, I read and watched movies. It was lovely. I bought couscous for the first time, so I'm excited to try that soon, too.

I bought a new scale this weekend. I find it really funny that I was so excited about something I swear at on an almost-weekly basis. It's super-fancy, though--it measures body fat, body hydration, BMI, and bone mass. I really was most interested in the body fat. I have 50% body fat. I find that incredibly crazy. I have a lot of working out and muscle-building to do!

Spirituality and Weight Loss

2009-07-16T21:39:00.003-04:00

My MSW internship is at a drug and alcohol rehab and I am often reminded of how the compulsion to overeat is so like the urge to use substances. Tonight we had a group discussion about spirituality and how it plays into recovery. So, I thought I'd work through my own thoughts on how I feel spirituality plays into weight loss.

I'm not a religious person. I grew up in a very spiritual/religious home and at one point as a teenager I came to the conclusion that my parents' faith is not my home. I am extremely respectful of the amount of faith that my parents have; they are great, tolerant people and I know that their spirituality plays into that. I just don't truck with a lot of what their religion stands for. At that time I was highly cynical of religion and all of those that espouse it. I now know that there is a big difference between spirituality and religion. I think it's possible to be spiritual while not religious and vice versa.

Today in group, one client talked about the void they had in their life and that they filled it with drugs. When they got sober, the hole was still there. What could they fill it with?

I feel that I have lived the same way. I filled my ache for worth with food. I had such bad self-esteem as a kid. In college, I asserted my worth with my sexuality with sad results--it only led to more self-hate for allowing myself to be used by guys I knew didn't care about me. Fortunately, that didn't last long because I met my husband soon after beginning college and I was able to be a part of a loving, respectful relationship. Still, that didn't completely fill the void. I had love, companionship, so much to be happy for, but I still did not feel whole. So, I ate. And ate. And ate! At one point, I think I did become happy with where I was in life, but I still ate. And here I am. Now that I'm trying to live a healthier, fuller life, I'm afraid of that void taking over my psyche once more.

People find spirituality in different places. A lot of people talked about finding spirituality when communing with nature in some way or spending time with loved ones. When I used to run, my runs were spiritual--I lived to commune with nature and my body. Being intimate with my husband is a spiritual experience. I choose to embrace all that is going on in my environment and gathering strength from it, whether it is the love of my loved ones, a quiet walk along the river, time to reflect on the goodness in my life. I do feel that there is a Higher Power, but I don't know just what that is for me. For now, the beauty of life is what I hope will fill that void that will likely come as I learn not to rely on the comfort of food.

(I know that there is Overeaters Anonymous. I've thought a lot about becoming a part, but am not sure if OA is for me. I'm interested in attending a meeting to see if it's for me, but not at this point.)

Sugar Sugar

2009-07-16T21:15:00.000-04:00

I've started worrying if I'm not eating too much sugar in my diet. When I started this low-sodium lifestyle, I didn't even think that that could be a problem. But most of my desserts are super-sugary now (though pretty low-cal). I really eat a lot of fat-free whipped cream (my ice cream). Today I was really enjoying a snack of Craisins. They have 0 mg of sodium, but are sweetened dried cranberries. If I'd known sugar was added, I wouldn't have bought them. Hopefully I can find plain dried cranberries, because they're so great. I'm worried that this will affect my weight loss progress. Right now, though, I'm just going to focus on sodium. If the scale continues to stay in the same place, I'll reevaluate my plan.

Meeting My Needs

2009-07-15T23:13:00.000-04:00

Another entry written while in class!

I wrote this entry based on another ezine article by Linda Spangle: I need a LOT! (Emotional Eating):

Instead of crappy food, I know what I need:

Quality time with my husband
Money for a new furnace
More money in our savings account
A new job
To see my parents
A close friend in Pittsburgh (though I'm not sure about that--I have a great group of friends here and have barely enough time to see them every few weeks!)
A vacation
Rest!

It boils down to the fact that I feel really stressed--this school/work/internship schedule is really running me ragged. I know that it's worth it, but I really miss having evenings to myself (or with Kalem). I would really love to have a vacation soon. Fortunately, tonight was my last class of the summer semester, so I have one week night with Kalem until September.

Writing this list has really helped me realize how food "takes care" of me. I have adopted the policy of asking myself what's eating me when I find myself overeating. I can't cure my emotional eating today, but knowing what they are is a big start.

I feel like I look good today! I can see the beginnings of a waist. The cleanse is gross and I hate it. I HATE taking pills, so I don't know what I was thinking adding a million more to my day! Still, I'm sure it will help jumpstart my weight loss. I'm desperate to reach that first ten pounds!

Last night I did Turbo Jam and it was fantastic! I hadn't done it for a while because I was trying to mix things up, but when I put the DVD in, I felt like I was back home. I did Ab Jam and Turbo Sculpt--man, were my abs screaming! I did the "Burn" and 20-minute workouts tonight. I'd forgotten how fun working out can be. I have to work really hard to make sure I keep enjoying working out, because I won't keep doing it if I dread it.

Our new veggie for the month was rutabaga, so last night I mashed one with butter, light salt, and herbs and served it with a tangy herb-crusted steak (another new recipe). Sadly, neither dishes were successful. I really think rutabagas would be better as part of a sweet dish rather than a savory given their base flavor. I think I'll try it again one day. I believe that next month's veggie will be asparagus. I've eaten it before, of course, but have never prepared it fresh before. How sad is it that I'm this old and have never cooked it fresh before? This new lifestyle is so remarkable; daily I'm discovering new healthy flavors and great ways to take care of my body.

I've actually been fairly low on sodium this week. I think that this is coming from my planning high-fiber, low-sodium, grain-filled meals. I've reintroduced quinoa back into my diet. A gal can't eat brown rice every day! So, I've been getting home with tons of sodium left to eat if I choose. And I choose, even if I'm not hungry! Why is that?! Last night I literally said that I'd worked so hard that I was proud of myself and should get to eat until I reached my limit. The day before I said that there would be days I'd be mad I couldn't eat more, so I should enjoy it now. I think that it goes back to my big-girl behavior--always eating because there's a chance I won't get to later. I can't say how many times I've had a sandwich before I went out to eat with others. It's going to take a lot of work to get out of that habit, I'm sure. I'm so ready for the challenge.

Taking Some Time Out For Me

2009-07-14T12:37:00.005-04:00

Last night while at my internship, I wrote this entry based on another ezine article from Linda Spangle titled "Day after day after day" (and how!):

The actual article was about keeping up with my program. One really great thing she said was "real life doesn't change just because you went on a diet". This is so, so true. I can't get flustered because someone graciously brought unhealthy treats to work. They're being nice! I just have to not let it get to me! If and when I do make a mistake, I don't need to beat myself up for it.

To stay on track, I can remember why I'm losing weight. When I first started this, I made a "little red book" of my reasons for doing so. I've been carrying it around but have looked through it maybe two times since I created it. I need to put it to better use! I keep meaning to "name" each reason, like "I lost Pound 1 in order to have healthier skin", etc. (This is true, BTW--now that I drink so much water, my acne is so much better. Huzzah!)

I think that I really will do this as well as focus on an additional reason (the next pound to strive for). I'm excited about this. So, here's what I've done so far:

Because I deserve this
Because I can do this
To prevent diabetes (yay, I "passed" my blood test!)
To prevent hypertension
To prevent high cholesterol
To prevent sleep apnea
To have healthy pregnancies (should we ever decide to have kids)
To prevent health-related surgeries
To stop my thoughtless eating

For my next pound, I'm going to focus on better skin. So far, it's getting better already. So, here's to glowing, smooth skin!

I'm also going to write the date each was accomplished in my little book, too. For 262 (reason #8), I'll even put all six of the dates. I owned that weight! So much fun.

In order to "go back to what works", I can remember that asking myself what helps:

Checking in with mom when my motivation falters
Drinking water before breakfast
Exercising as soon as I get home
Writing!
Planning my meals
Asking myself what I'm feeling when I have temptations to try to tease out what emotion I'm trying to mask
Telling myself to make it one more day (every single day)

Today's weight loss topic was "Nurturing Power of Food":

Today I bought a candy bar because they always soothe me. I took two bites and told myself that my emotional needs had been met (calming down the really painful homesickness I feel right now) and that eating more won't heal me any more. And I gave the rest away. I actually felt satisfied with those two bites and haven't craved chocolate since. This exercise taught me that while food can help with feelings, I don't have to eat until I pop for it to do that because the first two bites have the most impact. I can work on finding better ways to cope.

Whoop!

2009-07-13T10:23:00.002-04:00

I have two whoops today that took place yesterday (I meant to write yesterday, but well...life got in the way. But I did write the whole thing in my head last night!).

I decided to change my weekly weigh-in to Sundays. The reason that I had first decided to do Fridays (100 years ago) was because I knew I'd "mess up" over the weekends. Well, now that I'm no longer having "free days", I've decided to go back to Sundays when I have time to leisurely weigh myself without having to go to work shortly after. So, I weighed myself yesterday even though it had only been 3 days and I lost a pound and .75 inches. WHOOP (#1)! I have broken the 262 for real this time (and not like when I stole it a few weeks ago). I really hope I don't see 262 ever again.

I went out with the girls yesterday to celebrate Jen's birthday. We went to D's, which has fantastic hot dogs. Before I went, though, I found out just what I could eat without going over. I ordered a beef burger (a first in forever--I love veggie and turkey burgers more) and when it was brought to me wrong (with ketchup--I love it but can only eat a special kind now), I sent it back. I was so proud of myself! (WHOOP #2) Normally I would have gobbled it down even though I knew I shouldn't. I didn't eat the chips that came with it and only a few onion rings. I only drank water. My friends were great about it, too, so supportive. I love them!

I came home and oh-so-slowly ate some dark chocolate (only 66 mg!). It was divine.

I'm proud of my weight loss and daily (almost) exercise. I feel that I have so much support and tools and it's really going to happen this time.

The weight loss topic for today is "First Two Bites":
For this exercise, I chose peanut butter pretzels. Oh, how I love them! But the sodium is pretty insane. I ate two and then stopped. And I was okay! Actually, they sat on my desk for about an hour and I didn't even crave them. I just wanted to write this. They were delicious, but I don't need any more. Go figure!

I will make sure to pay attention to the first two bites and enjoy the flavors of what I am putting in my mouth.

Feels So Good

2009-07-11T22:40:00.003-04:00

Shauna the Dietgirl commented on my blog! She commented on my review of her book and said "Wow, thank you reading the book Chavonne! Glad you enjoyed it :)". Rad!

Today has gone so much better than I thought! Since I last blogged, I worked out for an hour doing the Walk Strong DVD. It's okay. I'll do it for the week, but I'm not sure about it. As always, the music doesn't flow and that always gets me! I'll do a fuller review later.

I've eaten low-sodium popcorn since I last wrote and am pretty full. Whoop! I might have some whipped cream before bed, but I'll be sure to stay under, fortunately.

I joined 3 Fat Chicks this afternoon. I'm excited for the chance to get some support. I plan to post mainly in the "20-somethings" and "100 pound" rooms. I feel great!

Today after my shower I was checking myself out in the mirror (because, well, I do that. Ha!) and found myself wondering how I didn't know I was getting so big. Maybe I did and ignored it. I don't know. But I do know that this is my new life: taking care of myself by working my body and feeding it healthy foods.

Last night during my chat with Mama, she suggested that I may want to look into a weekly "cleansing" like the pills you can take for a week just to clean yourself out. Maybe it would help with the salt cravings that are driving me crazy right now. I'm going to look into it.

KFC is the Devil

2009-07-11T18:15:00.002-04:00

Today has been a really great day. Kalem and I took my car to get serviced and then went to lunch before coming home to just relax. We ended up stopping at KFC. I knew that everything was pretty high in sodium, so I had a biscuit. Then I had a bite of chicken and a potato wedge. Then I had a half of a biscuit! So, long story short, I have 260 mg left. I am sure I'll be awake for at least five more hours. I've nervous, but I WILL NOT go over!

I have a new Leslie Sansone DVD from the library for the week. It's called "Walk Strong" and it's 30 minutes long. It is an interval workout, so it goes from walking to weight lifting and back again. I'm really excited to try it. I've been thinking that maybe I would do better if I work out daily rather than cram it all at the beginning of the week. I'm not sure if I'll put this theory into practice because on internship days I just want to pass out when I get home.

Today's weight loss topic is "Morning affects evening":
I have no problem with eating breakfast! I know that it's helpful to have a good meal every morning, so I'm glad I don't have to work on that as part of my weight loss! :). As for late-afternoon snacks, I can always have low-sodium snacks like carrots and applesauce always available. That way I won't mess up because of hunger before dinner.

Can You Feel A Brand New Day?

2009-07-10T10:49:00.000-04:00

All right! So, yesterday, I had something of a breakdown. Not really--I cried for about 30 seconds about how hard this is and then made a resolution to keep going. Like I've said before, my eating before was not a way to live, but a way to die. I've got to keep going.

The good news is that, in spite of my crazy eating, I didn't gain any weight! So, I'm at my favorite 262 again. The bad news is that I gained 1.25 inches. Geez. I'm definitely a fluffier 262, I can feel it. That's okay, I'm recommitted! Here's what's changing now:

No off days allowed (except for holidays and super-special occassions. No more than two a month)
I plan to be more proactive in planning my meals and deciding what to eat beforehand when I eat out
Writing daily on weight loss to keep my goal in mind
More cooking, less eating out
More weight lifting (gag)

Hopefully, this gets me back on track. When I say weight lifting, I mean like once a week. I know I should do two or three, but baby steps.

The USDA recommends that one eats less than 2,300 mg of sodium a day. Since this is my first time eating at that level without ever going over, I'll start there. I really hope to get out of this rut!

The weight loss topic for today is "Oops, I Forgot to Eat":

I plan to eat at 8AM, 11AM, 1PM, 4PM, 6PM, 8PM, 10PM

I did okay with meeting these goals. I think I actually ate more often than this, but I was never overly hungry, at least!

Tonight we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner. I was really prepared and had my dish picked out already! The food was delicious and we had great company (Sadie and Dustin). However, when we came home, I checked what I ate and realized that there were six servings in what I ate! Dang it! Still, I stayed under, thank goodness!

Blarg

2009-07-09T10:37:00.003-04:00

What. The. Heck.

I went over my sodium limit yesterday and today. Gah! I'm so frustrated with myself. My frustration lies less with the fact that I overate than with the fact that I don't even care right now. I know that I'll care on Friday after a horrid weigh-in, but I feel so unmotivated right now. I'm sad that I feel this way because of I haven't eaten much more of my fantabulous care package, too. I refuse to as long as I'm going off of the deep end.

SO. Today, I'm back on the wagon. I know it's too late to lose any weight this week, but that's okay. I refuse to let two days ruin another (it used to be so typical of me to just give up for the whole week because I'd made a mistake). I didn't bring my lunch (another huge mistake), so I've got to decide what to eat this afternoon as well. It's strange that I'm not even bothered about working out right now. It's the good eating that's killing me. I think it might also be because it's my lady time this week. I'd kill for a brownie sundae right now, even if it is 10 in the morning.

This morning I woke up an hour earlier than planned and rather than getting up and making a good breakfast and actually lotioning, I lay in bed thinking about my weight loss. What am I doing wrong? Why am I losing so slowly? If it's so slow now, it's going to take ages to get to 150! Oy. I know I said before that I can't go over ever, but I really think that's true now. 4 days of eating with wild abandon followed by three days of guilt and "good" eating will not make me healthy. I've got to be more serious about this.

I am having a hard time not having someone go through this with me, too. I have fantastic support from Mom and Kalem, but it's hard to not have anyone to complain about the struggles with. I mean, Mom's been there, but she's way over the hump now. Still, I learn so much from her stories of how she got to her goal weight. Hmm. I know that this is my struggle, my journey, but I'd love to have some more support. Like a Weight Watchers group that I don't have to do WW or pay for it. Ha! I track my intake of www.livestrong.com, so maybe I'll finally join one of the groups on there. That way, I can have support even when I'm at home in my jammies at 1 in the morning.

I've really got to get my mojo back! I am going to try to write more and hopefully that will make me more mindful of what I'm trying to do with this body.

Care Package!

2009-07-06T23:06:00.000-04:00

My care package arrived tonight! Mama had told me she was sending a low-sodium care package and I was so excited! It is so great! Here's what she sent:

Santitas tortilla chips: the best chips in the universe! (1 bag)
Stauffer's Chocolate Animal Crackers ("black cookies"): lower-sodium cookies from heaven! These are so much better for me than Oreos and are really delicious! (4 whole bags!)
Extra-Spicy Mrs. Dash: 1/4 bottle (left over from their kitchen--typical Mama :))
Cavendar's Salt-Free Greek seasoning: I'm so intrigued! (some in a baggie)
Sodium-free baking powder: I can't wait to make pound cake this weekend! (some in a baggie)
Vaseline "men's" lotion for Kalem: it wouldn't be a care package from my mom if there weren't one random thing. She is so great!
"4 Really Big Miles" Leslie Sansone DVD: Yup, the one I recently said I didn't life! I'll love it now because of the love it was sent with!
Unsalted Snyder's pretzels: oh, how I missed pretzels! (2 bags)
Low-sodium chicken noodle soup (1 can)
Low-sodium cream of mushroom soup: I haven't cooked with cream of mushroom soup since I started this lifestyle. I can't wait! (1 can)
Sodium-free chicken bouillon
Sodium-free beef bouillon
A WONDERFUL card of support for my weight loss. It made my month! It's on our fridge now.

I am so touched. This is just what I needed to keep on with this diet. I really needed a change of pace. I am ready to keep going and get healthy. My parents are the best and I'm so grateful for their support!

Review: The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl by Shauna Reid

2009-07-05T10:54:00.001-04:00

I have just read the best weight loss memoir. I read Half of Me by Jeanette Fulda a few months ago and really liked it, but this one was marvelous. I loved how much I could relate to the author. I have "Fat-Girl Freakouts" all of the time! I had one in my car this morning where I cursed myself for wearing what I was wearing (this shirt could be a bit looser). I was so worried that people would critique my outfit that I almost turned around just to change! But, I remembered that I value having a job so I got here on time. Still, I wish I could change right now.

Anyhoo, I couldn't put it down. I've made a habit of not reading weight loss stuff outside of my house (I normally do during breakfast or right before bed or when I'm feeling particularly tubby), but I carried this book around with pride. I'm sure people heard me laughing at my desk (when I snuck a few quick pages in between assignments), too. It was absolutely lovely.

I always hear about how people find love after losing the fat and I personally think it's a lot of baloney. Kalem loves me, rolls and all, and he's already pouting that I'm not so fluffy. But I now understand that it may be because of the lack of self-esteem so many of us big girls have. I know I have it; I was just fortunate enough to find a guy that saw the confident woman inside.

I've been going through a bit of a low-motivation period and this book is really helping pull me out of it. I didn't need to read about weight loss strategies but instead about someone else's struggles and how they kept their sense of humor and didn't let weight loss take over their whole life. And I got to laugh! Boy, I howled through most of it. I know I'll read it again during the next few years as I try to see my toes once more.

No Unnecessary Food!

2009-07-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

Today was wonderful! Kalem and I watched a movie and then took a long walk with the dogs at Frick Park. It was really wonderful to have someone to work out with and to get out on a really beautiful day. It was so nice to spend time with him not in front of a television! Afterwards, I had some lovely free time before playing board games. It was really nice to have great, simple fun. :).

Today's weight loss topic is "Fuel or filler":

Breakfast: 2 servings of Cream of Wheat with lite salt and margarine. Fuel.
Lunch: One hot dog and onion rings. Began as fuel, but I ate more than I was hungry for.
Snack. Sun Chips and Doritos. I was munchy, so it was filler.
Snack: Banana. Fuel before our walk.
Snack: One medium chocolate custard waffle cone from Rita's. Filler.
Snack: 10 low-sodium Ritz crackers. Fuel

I think I fueled myself rather well! I didn't overeat all that much and stayed within my sodium requirement. I feel great! I can eat better fillers, though--perhaps, eat fruit instead of chips. I will try to eat healthier, more filling snacks.

Writing for Weight Loss

2009-07-04T18:24:00.000-04:00

I said that I would do more weight-loss writing, so here I am! I have quite a few of these saved up, so I plan to write at least once a week on one of them.

The topic of Linda Spangle's weekly newsletter is "Shrink Your Goals". I found this really helpful. So many times I've read and heard about how important it is to take weight loss one step at a time. I know that if I keep my ultimate goal of 150 in mind, I'll get overwhelmed and never get there! That's why I created a list of milestones a while ago as things to look forward to. To make this overall goal even less daunting, I will add 10-pound goals as well:

Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds) CHECK! (6/5/2009)
Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)
Lose twenty pounds (250 pounds)
Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
Lose forty pounds (230 pounds)
Lose fifty pounds (220 pounds)
Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
Lose seventy pounds (200 pounds)
Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
Lose eighty pounds (190 pounds)
Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)Lose one hundred pounds (170 pounds)
Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
Lose one hundred and ten pounds (160 pounds)
Meet final goal (150 pounds)

It bothers me that it's 19 and not an even number, but I think I'll be okay. :). I think that these are great things to look forward to. There are no more than ten pounds between each one, so I'll be able to have something to look forward to in the near future. So, the next goal is 260. Only two pounds to go! Whoop! I'm going to do my best to focus on the next two and nothing more. I know I can do it!

A Smaller 262

2009-07-03T21:31:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness! Today was another weigh-in. I knew I hadn't lost a pound--after my chicken drumstick incident, I ate like a pig last night. I mean, with complete abandon. Anything I could get my hands on, I ate it. And why?! I knew that I was going to be disappointed by today's weigh in, so why not? I resolved to have a crazy eating day and go back to my healthy ways today.

Anyhoo, I stepped on the scale and I weigh 262. What a surprise! If I'm going to gain weight, I'm not surprised I'm back at my "plateau weight".

BUT this is a much different 262 than when I first hit this weight. Since 6/5, I've lost 3.5 additional inches off of my body! Woohoo! I felt frustrated at first, that my weight still hasn't decreased, but I can tell how much my body's toned. So, I'm going to keep on keeping on and hopefully the scale reacts soon.

Today I bought a food scale. Hot dog, I'm a real dieter now! :). I just have to say, it's quite possibly the coolest weight loss tool I've bought so far! Today I made a chicken stir fry and used the scale to weigh the chicken and veggies. Oh, what fun! It was the best. I love making sure I eat all the right portions. I can't believe I'm so excited to weigh my food!

Like I said before, I made a chicken stir fry for dinner. I used the Mrs. Dash Spicy Teriyaki marinade. It was...okay. So far, I've tried both this marinade and the Zesty Garlic Herb one and I haven't been impressed with either. Still, I'm going to keep trying to like them and the other two I bought because they have NO sodium. I will probably learn to LOVE them. :). I adore all of the Mrs. Dash shakers, so I'm hoping that I come around with the marinades, soon.

I also got a new Leslie Sansone video from the library: 4 Fast Miles. It definitely got me moving, but it is not my favorite walking workout. I'm a huge fan of Leslie Sansone's workouts, but I'm sure I will not be buying them. The cuing is off and half of the walkers are going in one direction while the others are going in another. It drove me crazy! Also, some of the music is recycled from another workout. No thanks. Still, I appreciate the fact that there is a new move ("boosted walking", or jogging) that will definitely get one's heart pumping harder than normal. So, the search for the best one-hour walking workout. So far, it's still the Super Challenge. I still have a few more to try before I decide. Still, I'm going to do this video for all of my workouts for the week just to do something different.

I'm down to 2300 mg of sodium now. So far, I've had about 1700. I'm pretty full, too. I feel really good today.

The new vegetable of the pay period is rutabaga! I bought one of those funny-looking waxy things today and I'm so intruigued by it. I can't wait to learn how to cook it and add it to my healthy eating lifestyle.

And, lastly, today's weight loss topic is "Two Purposes of Food":

Bagel and margarine: 10:30 AM--fuel
1/2 bag Peanut M&Ms: 1:00 PM
One cantaloupe: 3:00 PM
10 Hint of Salt Ritz and 1 tbsp. of peanut butter: 6:00 PM
1/2 bag of Smart Pop Popcorn: 7:30 PM
Chicken Stir-Fry (Mrs. Dash recipe): 9:00 PM
1/2 bag Peanut M&Ms: 10:30 PM

Having regular "fuel stops" really does make me feel more energized! I feel like I've been eating nonstop, but I've never felt full or overly hungry. I can plan my stops by creating a menu each day when I wake.

I'm thinking of registering my blog on BlogHer. I would love to have some support from other readers and offer my own to them.

Wow, what a long entry! I'll do my book review tomorrow. :)

"Have You Lost Weight?"

2009-07-01T19:16:00.000-04:00

I think that during this journey it is extremely important to be as honest as I can be. I have realized that, at this point, I cannot eat 1500 mg a day. There are a number of reasons:

It's flipping hard.
I want to have something to change if and when I plateau again.
If I keep struggling to stay at 1500 and keep failing and/or barely making it, I'm going to get frustrated /give up. I will do much better by getting to 1500 gradually.

Now, I know that the first reason is not a valid reason. Of course it's hard! That doesn't count. But I really do feel that tapering is best for me. Because I will plateau again. So far, this week has been really hard. I had a crazy Monday night when I ate a drumstick from KFC. Now, I don't like fried chicken from restaurants. I think it's awful. Kalem had a few leftover pieces from the place and after he heated them up, I took a small piece of skin. It was INCREDIBLE. I hadn't had something so salt-concentrated in months. It was delicious. I asked Kalem for a bite and ended up eating the whole drumstick. I couldn't even stop myself. Ten seconds later I was so upset with myself. Still, with this "binge", I did okay. I went over yesterday by about 10 mg. I haven't gone over today, but I still have yet to eat dinner after I work out. So, I'll be glad to have more wiggle room. It's funny, I used to think that 2300 mg was hard, but now it seems like a smorgasbord! For now, I'm going to eat 2300 mg. When I plateau again, I'll do down another 100 mg.

I've gotten two whole compliments this week from two volunteers at work. Hot dang! I really needed them after my ridiculous weigh-in last Friday. As much as I thrive on the support and well wishes of my family, I really get a lot out of encouragement from those I know don't feel compelled to say it. I LOVE IT. It's such a motivator.

A friend of mine is having lap band surgery today. We've talked about us both having it and what we were both thinking about it. In the end, I will not be having it. Yesterday, we talked about how nervous she was feeling about it. I hope that it goes well. I'm sure it will. I'm grateful that I did not make the choice to have it. I think it may work for some people, but it wouldn't have for me. I need to learn how to make healthy choices and how to get healthy on my own.

I'm really going to start more weight loss journaling soon. Now that I've finished the biggest school assignment of the semester, I'll have a bit more freedom to.

Temporary Misstep

2009-06-30T10:40:00.003-04:00

Oh Lord, I haven't health-blogged in forever! I've not been my best, but I did lose one pound last week! Well, I like to say that I stole it--I weighed 262 when I stepped on the scale that morning and refused to eat until it said 261. I just couldn't plateau another week. It took about two hours. I had to have lost something, I felt so desperate! I'm feeling really unmotivated. I know that real, lasting weight loss should be slow and steady, but gah! I hear that heavier people lose quickly at the beginning, but not so with me. If I'm losing at this rate now, what will happen when I'm at 200?! Oy.

I felt really disappointed with my Turbo Jam experience. I mean, I felt like I worked my patoot off. Ugh. However, I did lose some inches, at least. Most of it was in my bust, though! Nooooo! Actually, I'm glad to lose anywhere. I'm so frustrated. I could feel that I hadn't lost any inches in my hips and thighs before I even got out the tape measure.

As of Monday, I have come to the painful conclusion that I cannot take "off" days. By the time my body is back in the swing of being "good", it's the weekend. I have to be "good" all of the time. Oh, how that saddens me. I haven't had an Oreo in ages. But, it's so very worth it.

Yesterday, I stopped in at the Shop 'n' Save on the way to my internship because I was craving a snack. I bought some cantaloupe cubes and a banana, go me! Then I decided to just check and see what Mrs. Dash stuff they had. I found four marinades and three shakes I'd never seen before! I was so excited! Even though I grumble, this really is my new lifestyle. I might as well embrace it and enjoy the benefits.

I think that I haven't been doing my best because I haven't been writing enough. Like I said before, I often compare my journey to recovery: I can see how relapse works in my life. I have a lot of weight loss readings from Linda Spangle that I plan to write on. I'm going to try to write on one every time I feel the urge to go crazy with my eating. I really hope that helps.

I don't expect to lose any weight this week, but I hope that I can see 261 "for real" this time.

I Freaking Love Chalene Johnson

2009-06-23T09:50:00.004-04:00

Turbo Jam is GREAT! I have done various Turbo Jam workouts over the last few days (it hurt my arm, but I have to work out!), and I love it. It's so much fun, the music's great, and I get to dance. Who could ask for anything more? What a blast. I can't wait to see what effect the workouts have on my weight this week. Turbo Jam is the best!!!

I have also decided to lower my sodium intake for now. A CDC article recommends that I should eat 1,500 mg. Fortunately, I only meet one of the criteria, but I think it may be a good idea to keep my sodium down because as I age, my risk of high blood pressure will increase due to my ethnicity. Even though my pressure was low on Wednesday!

I have super great news! I got all of my blood work back yesterday and I am healthy. No diabetes, no cholesterol, no thyroid problems. That also means that I cannot have weight loss surgery now because I don't qualify in any way. Yay! I'm thrilled.

Lastly, I have decided to try a new vegetable every time we go grocery shopping. I'm hoping this will keep me interested in eating healthy foods. This time I bought a plantain. I've had them before and loved them, but had never prepared one myself. I fried the plantain and ate it with saffron rice. Delicious! The whole meal was 10 mg of sodium. Definitely a hit! I will be eating these much more often. I think my next will be a rutabaga because they look so interesting!

Gah

2009-06-19T11:52:00.000-04:00

Another Friday, another weigh-in. Last night I got really sick. I had side effects from my tetanus shot--all throughout my internship, I felt terrible. By the time I got home, I was shivering violently and couldn't get warm. Once Kalem found I had a fever, he put me to bed. I had planned to do one last hour-long extra workout, but I felt too sick to move. I had a really hard, sweaty sleep and woke up feeling much better. I still have a fever, but I'm not as sure now.

I weighed in this morning and 262. So, no improvement, but no gain, either! I have to be honest that I feel a bit discouraged that I didn't lose anything this week. BUT I overate 4 days this week! I should be thrilled! I really need to do better.

Yesterday, I finally got Turbo Jam from the library! I've been waiting since September, so I'm thrilled! I can't wait to do it next week. I really hope it kickstarts my weight loss!

Pretty in Pink

2009-06-17T12:16:00.002-04:00

I am only working a half-day today, so I got to dress casually. I pulled out an old pink polo that I love. I didn't expect it to fit, but I tried it on anyway. It fit. Comfortably!

I haven't been able to wear this shirt for over a year. I feel great!

I can't wait to see what else fits as my weight lowers!

Today's weight loss topic is "Appreciate good support":

This morning, Kalem was telling me how proud he is of my for working so hard and I told him that I was really excited about it but didn't want to see boastful. He complimented how I look and I said "Thanks. I feel really good."

When others compliment me, instead of brushing it off, I can be honest about how good that makes me feel. It makes me feel better and I'm sure they feel good knowing they're appreciated.

Taking Back My Height

2009-06-16T14:24:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, at my internship, I compared myself to Melissa, who is 5'8.5". I was clearly taller than her. So, I'm taking back my height. I'm 5'9" again! That nurse was wrong!

I'm glad to be 5'9" again. I like this height. It's what I wanted when I was younger (and I got there), so I'm not giving it up so easily.

With that said, I know that my goal milestones are going to change. So, here they are:

Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds) CHECK!
Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)
Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)
Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
Meet final goal (150 pounds)

I also have changed my BMI for my weekly measurements. Right now, I weigh 262 pounds and my BMI is 38.7 . I'm still excited that I don't qualify for illness-free lap band surgery, even if I accomplished it much sooner than I thought (I actually didn't to begin with!). Now, the next lap band surgery is closer. Yay!

Today's weight loss topic is "Here's What I Want":

1. If you see me eating something that’s not on my diet plan, ask me if I’ve had a bad day and give me a hug.

2. When I’m making progress, such as losing weight, compliment me on how I look but never comment on my progress in front of others.

3. When I’m struggling or gaining weight, tell me you notice and really care about my struggle, hug me and show me extra affection, and ask me how you can help.

4. When I’m making progress you can’t see (such as improving my self-esteem), ask me how my efforts are going and give me non-food gifts and rewards.

5. When I’ve maintained my weight (even though I may still want to lose more), tell me you are proud of my current efforts and compliment me on my looks and my efforts.

These are my answers given for the quiz of the day.

Today, my skirt's too big. Huzzah!

Off the Wagon

2009-06-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

I had something of a bender this weekend. I ate what I wanted and didn't care. Okay, I cared, but not enough to not overeat. On Friday I knew I was going to go over. On Saturday, Kalem and I went to Golden Corral for breakfast so I knew I was going to go over by 10AM. And it was so bad, which makes it such a waste! So, after that, I ate with wild abandon. Why not--I was already over for the day! Yesterday, I stayed within my limit, but it was SO TOUGH. Still, I did it! Today has been hard, too. I feel the need to eat constantly. I have about 800 mg left after dinner. In Hotline today, there were peanut butter pretzels and Cheez-Its. What the heck?! Talk about temptation! I had one serving of the pretzels (+1 more) and stopped there. They were too salty (though delicious)! Go figure.

On the way to my internship, I stopped at CVS for a snack. I had planned on white cheddar popcorn but that was out of the question. Almost everything was! I just wanted to buy a bag of something and it be okay. I felt so desperate. I had applesauce in my bag but that wasn't going to cut it. I ended up with Triscuits. They were fairly good, thought there was something I didn't quite like about the flavor. Either way, I am currently not hungry. To be honest, I wasn't hungry before I ate them. I just wanted to eat. I am trying to work more on that. This time I wanted to eat so I didn't end up stuffing my face at my internship. I need to learn to be more comfortable with eating in front of others.

I'm looking into getting a new walking DVD! I'm excited. I've been thinking of getting the stretchie band thing to do some toning. I'm not sure which DVD I want so I'm getting some from the library to check out beforehand.

I want Cheetos!

Day Off

2009-06-13T23:26:00.002-04:00

I'm postponing today's weight loss topic until tomorrow because I took a day off, diet-wise. I am picking up another hour of walking in hopes of still losing some weight this week. See you tomorrow!

Not an Island

2009-06-12T22:11:00.002-04:00

Today was weigh-in day. The results: I did not lose any weight. BUT I didn't gain any, either! AND I started my period yesterday! AND I lost another .5 inch! So, I feel pretty good. :). I was a little down on myself, but I feel that I'll be okay next week once my period's over.

I was a bad, bad girl today. I ate tons of cereal (I've got to lay off the Frosted Flakes!), added salt to our mashed potatoes and gravy, and then, upon realizing I was over anyway, ate a pint of ice cream. I'm not too upset, because I always go over at least one day. I'll be better from now on.

I had a good talk with my "coach" (Mama) and got a lot of great food ideas. Having as many low-sodium options as I can really help keeps me on track. I'm actually looking forward to grocery day so I can investigate!

Today's weight loss topic is "Help me, please":
I am always happy to get compliments that I look more toned or healthier and that I seem to have more energy now that I'm losing weight. I also appreciate clearing the table right after one serving.
I do not appreciate someone saying "do you really want to eat that?". While it works, it makes me really resentful toward the person who said it. I really HATE weight loss tips when I don't ask for them, too.

Yes, I Can!

2009-06-11T08:26:00.002-04:00

Today's weight loss topic is "I can do it!":

I can do it because I have put my heart and soul into this process.
I can do it because I have a healthy woman bursting to get through.
I can do it because I believe in myself.
I can do it because I am worth it.

Yes, I can! In addition to these reasons, I can do it because I want all of those reasons in my little book to come true. So, I can do it, because I have no choice. There is no other way for me to live now. I must get healthy.

I didn't end up working out after all last night. I was just so stressed and worn out. I don't feel all that guilty because I've already done all of my prescribed exercise and I was just trying to supplement. I have gone over on my sodium before and still lost weight. I've done what I can this week. If I don't lose, I'll work even harder to have healthier coping skills.

I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!

Protection

2009-06-10T21:31:00.000-04:00

Today's topic is "Protect Your Program":

Three high-risk times for overeating for me are when I'm in the Hotline office, on Friday nights, and when I am out with the Brigade.
I can protect my program by saying "Not just yet. I'm going to wait a little while."
I haven't protected my program yet, but I will use this technique from now on.

I've done much better today than yesterday. I am not going to let my work stress affect my weight loss goals. Unfortunately, I forgot my lunch, but I still did okay by eating the lowest-possible foods from Panera. So, I'm okay!

I plan to pick up an extra hour of working out tonight and tomorrow, so hopefully I'll still lose some weight!

Something to Look Forward To

2009-06-09T22:20:00.002-04:00

Today's daily topic is "Magic Notebook":

I like the idea of writing down what I am craving instead of eating it, but I'm not sure how it will work for me. I wonder if writing it will just make me want it even more. But, I am willing to try anything!

I haven't had an Oreo since my birthday, I think. Even though I haven't, I think about them often. Since I've lasted so long without them, I think I'll write about something else. I have eaten chocolate fudge brownie Ben and Jerry's about every other weekend. I feel that I really need to stop doing this because in no way does it help with my weight loss goals! So, the next time I crave it, I will remind myself that a pint has 1,000 calories and tons of fat! I will remind myself that I can eat frozen yogurt or whipped cream or another better alternative. The next time I crave it, I will remind myself that I recently had it and encourage myself to put it off for another week (and another week and another...). The next time I eat it, I will eat a serving at a time.

Today has been a mess. I've been really stressed out about work and not eating well. I have really got to work on my coping skills! Still, I'm proud of myself for not going too far overboard. I did eat at Wendy's (bad Chavonne, bad!), but other than that, I can recover from this. Yesterday, I went over by about 100 mg, too. I'm going to pick up an extra workout or two and I should be fine. I went against my own "rule" and weighed myself and I haven't gained, so I feel good. Hopefully I can lose at least a pound this week.

On the Road

2009-06-08T11:08:00.003-04:00

Today's weight-loss topic is "Boundaries, not diets":

Narrow road

1,800 calories/day
Walk 30 minutes every day
No sugar
No salt
No meat
No fast food
No eating out
Only serving sizes

Wide road

Staying within sodium limit every day
3.5 hours of exercise per week
No more than two days going over sodium limit
Use serving sizes as a guide
Limited sugar
Limited meat
Limited eating out
Limited fast food

I can be flexible by following the wider road while trying to lose weight. I feel much better knowing I have some flexibility!

Just Do It

2009-06-07T21:51:00.002-04:00

Today's weight loss topic is "Do It Anyway":

I didn't want to walk for as long as I did, but I did it anyway.
It felt really good to accomplish something physical, even though I didn't want to! I know that I will be glad for it when I don't have to walk more on Tuesday.
I am committed to taking the stairs, working out, and not eating fast food, even if I do not want to at the moment.

Not too much has happened health-wise since I last wrote. I walked for 1.5 hours, cooked my lunch for tomorrow, and ate dinner. I tried a new recipe (Barley Mushroom Risotto) and it turned out really, really good. I used sodium-free broth and didn't add the salt it called for and I still like it! It's funny--two months ago I would have gagged at the thought!

On Milestones

2009-06-07T10:39:00.004-04:00

Last night, while reading about weight loss, I wondered if I was thinking too much. If I needed to just let go. I think in a way I am overthinking it. But I also feel that at this point, I have to. I am trying to set myself up for success and the way to do that right now is to write as much as I can and to engage in a lot of positive self-talk. I think that as I get further in my weight loss, it won't take up so much of my thinking.

I've realized that it's going to take at least a year to lose all of this weight. If I lose at the rate I have so far, it's going to take two. And I'm okay with that. This is the first time I've felt okay with it. I am not frustrated. It took longer than two years to pack on 120 pounds; shouldn't I be thrilled that it takes less time to get it off?! I'm okay to give it as much time as I need to, as I refuse to accept the alternative.

This weekend, I've also been thinking about the milestones I'm looking forward to. I think I could create about a million if I want to, but here are my top ten, for now:

Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds) CHECK!
Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)
Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (229 pounds)
Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
Have an "overweight" BMI (196 pounds)
Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
Fit a pair of jeans size 12 (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)
Have a "normal" BMI (163 pounds)
Meet final goal (150 pounds)

Okay, that's 12. :). I like these milestones. They're all fairly close and feel attainable. Of course, I'm taking it one day at a time (with more focus on each 5-pound increment), but I'll be pretty darn excited getting to each of them. I'll have to think of fun, healthy ways to celebrate all of them.

I've also tried to understand why I made 150 pounds my goal weight. I thought it was because it was some significant BMI number from when I thought I was 5'9". But there really isn't. I think it's because I like it. :). It's a nice round number that gives me some wiggle room as I age (I hope to never weigh above 175 again). So, I think I'll keep it.

I'm also thinking of what else I should do other than walking. I don't plan to do any exercises with impact for a while, but I do know I'll have to start lifting weights sooner than later. I'm going to read up on it a bit.

I feel great!

Really, Really Committed

2009-06-06T21:40:00.005-04:00

Today's weight loss topic is "Interested or Committed?":

I am committed to losing my weight-loss plan no matter what!
I will stick to my program no matter what by taking it one day at a time, focusing of smaller weight-loss goals instead of the overall one, and believing in myself.
To show that I am truly committed, I went walking, didn't redeem my Ben and Jerry's coupon(s), and did reading on weight loss!

In relation to focusing only on small goals, I am prepared to focus on only 5 pounds at a time. So here's to weighing 260!

I've been thinking further about what my next "big" weight loss goal will be (other than the ultimate one, of course). My first goal was to not qualify for weight-loss surgery. To do so, I had to have a BMI lower than 40. There is still another possible way to get the surgery, though: if one has a weight-related illness, they can still qualify for a BMI of 35 or higher. As far as I know, I don't have any. But what if I have something and don't know? So my next big goal is to get down to a BMI of less than 35. I'm looking forward to 229!

I've been reading "Half-Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir" and am really enjoying it. It has me really looking forward to all of the future rewards of being smaller. I know that I still have a long way to go and I need to remember to take it one day at a time, though. Thinking too far ahead is what has gotten me in trouble in the past. So, I'm going to keep taking it slow and not getting too down on myself.

I had a really good day. I ate some Frito Pie that was great but I know was way too salty. Fortunately, I didn't have too much and was able to stop myself. Also, I took a walk in Frick Park and Kalem joined me! It was really nice. I hope that we keep this up and become a healthier couple together.

Back (Though Here All Along)

2009-06-05T20:48:00.004-04:00

So, since I last wrote, a lot has happened. I have stayed committed to my new lifestyle (yay!) and have lost eight pounds and 3.25 inches! I feel great. Since trying to lose weight in the last few years, this is the most consistent I've been. The most significant thing to happen in these few weeks is that I no longer qualify for weight loss surgery! Yay yay yay! I've seriously been considering going through the process of having the surgery, but now the option has been taken away. I've worked really hard to get to this point, so I was glad, but at the same time I'm really scared! I don't have the backup plan available to me anymore. I am no longer morbidly obese...I'm now only obese! Yay! I know that I've lost eight pounds and still hope to lose another 112, but I feel like a model! I feel like putting a dress and heels on and strutting my stuff on a catwalk! :). This feels great.

To celebrate this milestone, I ate a candy bar (rather than the pack of Oreos that looked SO good!) and took a walk in the park. It was lovely! And it feels really good to be rewarding myself with much healthier choices than I would before.

From this point forward, I plan to do the 100 days of weight loss writing. I think it will help keep me on top of my efforts. I really have found that writing helps me get through the tough times. On Thursday, I had an intense craving for dessert and I "wrote through it". I wrote about why I didn't really want it and why I was feeling that I did. And it worked! I also wrote all of my reasons for losing weight in a little tiny book and I carry that around with me for when I feel desperate to eat or want some extra motivation. It's been really helping so far.

Sometimes I feel like I talk about my weight loss as if I'm in recovery from addiction. Sometimes I feel like I am. I sometimes feel a real compulsion to eat, even when I can't eat anything more. But I think the biggest thing is learning how to eat in a healthy way and exercise, even when I don't want to. And I am so ready for this.

During my internship last week, I heard the quote "I realized this wasn't a way to live. This was a way to die." That's exactly how I feel. Since I've started writing again on this blog, I've seen how much time I've wasted not being healthy. It makes me really sad. But it motivates me. I can do this. I have to. I don't have any other choice. If I want to be here in my sixties (heck, thirties!), I have to change RIGHT NOW.

I feel really great about how hard I've been working. I can't wait to see what else is ahead of me.

Getting on Track

2009-05-11T09:29:00.001-04:00

The first day's topic is "I Used to Be That Way":

I fear that I will fall off of the wagon and never lose the weight I want to.
When on diets before, I let myself get discouraged when I overate or didn't exercise one day.
I used to be that way, but now I'm different.
I used to take the elevator at work, but now I take the stairs.
I used to let my emotions influence my diet, but now I deal with my feelings in healthy, active ways.
I used to dread having to exercise every day, but now I look forward to my workout time as a time to improve my life.
I used to eat every free food put in front of me, but now I think about what goes into my mouth, regardless of the price.
I used to eat whatever I like, but now I watch my intake.
I used to get easily discouraged, but now I keep pressing on.
I used to eat without thinking, but now I am a mindful eater.
I used to eat like an obese person, but now I eat like a fit, healthy woman.

So Much Has Changed

2009-05-02T09:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's been quite some time since I last blogged. But I'm BACK! I am super recommitted and ready to get healthy.

When I last was "committed", my goal was on losing weight. I'm not going to pretend that it still isn't. But, I feel I'm doing something much more gentle. I will never just starve myself on a Thursday to stay withing my limit for a Friday weigh-in. On April 27, my mom and I talked about watching sodium for what felt like the umpteenth time. This time, though, everything just clicked. I really felt that I could do it this time. Instead of really committing to it, I said I'd try it for the week and see how it went. Well, I lost 3 pounds! I was hooked after that. I have been walking for 3.5 hours every week. I feel great! I had been doing the Jillian DVD as well, but I really hurt my knee after bouncing around one day. My knee is better now, though it still pops a lot.

It's been a lot harder watching sodium than I first expected. I mean, sodium is in everything! Everything! So it takes a lot to create meals on a daily basis. The good result of that is that now I appreciate my food so much more. I feel more satisfaction with what I put in my mouth because it took more work and organization to get it. I'm struggling with the lack of snack foods I have available to me, but I plan to buy an air popper to get through that.

As before, for the next 100 days, I'm going to be reading a book called "100 Days of Weight Loss". It will take me through exercises to help me work through my struggles with weight loss. I'm really determined and am sure that I will succeed. I started at 270 pounds. I'm down to 265 already! In two weeks! My goal is to weigh 150 pounds. This puts me in the "normal" category according to my BMI (well, it's a little bit below, but I thought it was a good, round number). It also gives me some wiggle room as I age--hopefully I never pass 175 in my life again! I will be weighing in every Friday. If I lose 2 pounds a week, I should reach 150 by June 23, 2010. If I lose 1 pound a week, I should reach 150 by August 17, 2011. I don't really plan on it happening, but I would loved to lose the weight by March 10, 2010. That way, I would hit my goal weight when I'm 25 (ha!). But it's okay if I don't make it--I won't let it get me down. It feels like a really long time, but I am committed to it. Also, I'm using http://www.thedailyplate.com/ to monitor my intake. It's a really cool website and I think it will be helpful! Well, one of the first exercises in the book are to write down a few reasons for losing the weight. I had to go all out (of course) and I have given a reason for every pound I want to lose. So, here are my 120 reasons for losing weight. (Well, I actually weigh 265, but I wrote these reasons when I weighed 270!)

My Reasons for Losing Weight!
1. To sweat less
2. To have healthier nails
3. To have healthier hair
4. To have better skin
5. To fit in amusement park ride seats
6. To fit in bus seats more easily
7. To fit in desks more easily
8. To fit in airplane seats more easily
9. To be able to take leisurely walks without getting winded
10. To develop a healthy addiction
11. To set (and reach) new goals
12. To not have to make the same New Year’s resolution every year (and fail)
13. To have a more successful career
14. To be able to better participate in sports
15. To explore new places
16. To smell better
17. To help others
18. To encourage others
19. To not have to worry about the maximum weight an exercise machine can take before I use it
20. To stop spending money on weight loss resources
21. To be able to indulge without feeling guilty
22. To have a better selection of clothes to choose from
23. To save money on food
24. To save money on clothes
25. To buy a new wardrobe
26. To learn to enjoy healthy, nutritious foods
27. To control my eating
28. To control my snacking
29. To control my emotional eating
30. To not embarrass myself when eating at social functions
31. To look better
32. To look younger
33. To feel sexier
34. To have better sex
35. To not have a double chin
36. To have thighs that don’t touch
37. To be able to wear a bikini
38. To have a flat stomach
39. To look great at my high school reunion
40. To look wonderful in my second wedding dress
41. To get smaller than my high school weight
42. To be able to fit into a size 12 (or smaller!)
43. To avoid health-related surgeries
44. To avoid weight-related surgeries
45. To find more positive outlets for emotions
46. To learn patience
47. To have a chance for "me time"
48. To actually get called "thin"
49. To not be controlled by my weight
50. To prove to myself I have self-control
51. To teach myself discipline
52. To have something that is done for myself by choice rather than requirement
53. To increase brainpower
54. To improve my performance
55. To be able to play with my nieces and nephews
56. To not end up like my father
57. To prevent depression
58. To feel more comfortable taking pictures
59. To be happy when I look in the mirror
60. To have breasts that stick out further than my stomach and not the other way around
61. To improve my body image
62. To feel more comfortable in my skin
63. To feel better about myself
64. To be less stressed
65. To sleep more soundly
66. To be healthier
67. To improve my immune system
68. To have more energy
69. To have a waist
70. To be more flexible
71. To have more stamina
72. To have better endurance
73. To improve mobility
74. To be stronger
75. To have a healthy lifestyle
76. To prevent knee problems
77. To prevent back problems
78. To have better control over IBS
79. To not be a part of the obesity epidemic
80. To prevent sleep apnea
81. To prevent hypertension
82. To prevent high cholesterol
83. To prevent osteoarthritis
84. To prevent stroke
85. To prevent heart attacks
86. To prevent heart disease
87. To prevent cancers
88. To prevent diabetes
89. Because it’s TIME. NO MORE EXCUSES.
90. To actually follow through with something
91. To show my loved ones how grateful I am for their support
92. To make my loved ones proud
93. To be proud of myself for making such a large accomplishment
94. To improve my quality of life
95. To live longer
96. To have healthier joints
97. To learn to enjoy exercise
98. To stop dieting FOR GOOD
99. To not be embarrassed by my size
100. To not have rolls, puckers, and dimples
101. To not always feel like I need to lose weight
102. To not have people cringe when I sit next to them on the bus
103. To be able to cross my legs
104. To prevent anxiety
105. To be able to take the stairs without getting winded
106. For all of the reasons I have yet to realize, but am sure to soon come to appreciate
107. To get on with my life!
108. To not get snide remarks about my weight from others
109. To be able to see my toes
110. To not get "fat girl" looks when I'm eating junk food
111. To put less stress on the environment
112. To be able to buy boots without trouble
113. To be able to wear backless dresses (if I decide to!)
114. To look good in photos
115. To not get asked if I'm pregnant when I'm not
116. To not get the "weight loss talk" when I go to the doctor
117. To not dread stepping on the scale
118. To have a regular-sized towel fit around my body
119. To have great legs again
120. To be able to go sleeveless comfortably

I feel really good about this. I know that I can make it this time. I'm really serious about losing the weight now. I'm so excited to be beginning this journey!

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish

2009-02-10T16:07:00.002-05:00

I meant to do this earlier, but haven't yet found the time and motivation to. As I lose the pounds on a weekly basis, I am going to say goodbye to each reason I am losing the weight. So, here we go!

1. To sweat less
2. To have healthier nails
3. To have healthier hair
4. To have better skin
5. To fit in amusement park ride seats

Okay, well so far I haven't experienced any of these perks. But I am SO excited that I will one day! :).

I haven't done a daily weight loss topic in ages! Still, I'm pushing on and making strides to better health! I didn't eat well earlier this week so I'm cutting back now to catch up. I still will lose weight this week, I know it!

Yay!

2009-02-06T16:00:00.003-05:00

I haven't written in forever, but I've been good! I had my first belly dancing class on Wednesday and LOVED it. I felt alive. I really have found another joy for me. I plan on making this a lifelong hobby. My body was crazy sore the next day, but I felt like an absolute goddess. I can't wait for the next class!

On an even better note, I weighed in yesterday. I had made the decision to start weighing in on Fridays because I always eat less well on Fridays and Saturdays, so I want to weigh in before all that badness starts. :). I also decided to start trying to lose 2.5 pounds a week (rather than two) because I have this faint hope that I can lose all of this weight in a year. How great would that be?! This week I did all of my workouts and ate really, really well. I didn't expect to have lost any weight because it had only been five days since I last weighed in, but I felt good.

So I stepped on the scale and it said 265. Yes! I yelped (and woke up Kalem in the process), and danced naked around the bathroom. I have also lost 1.25" off of my body. Yes! 1/60 of the way there (not that I'm thinking of it that way...I'm focused on small goals, so I'm looking toward 260)! I am so excited! Finally I feel like I'm getting somewhere!

Umm...WHAT?!?!

2009-02-01T10:00:00.002-05:00

At this rate, I will lose the weight I want to in 10 years. No exaggeration. Ugh.

So, today was my scheduled weigh-in. I rolled around in bed, trying to my bladder, because I was nervous about what I would find out. But, I finally had to go too badly and made my way to the restroom. I weighed myself and I weigh...drum roll, please...269 pounds.

What?! I only lost one pound?! In one MONTH?! I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself. I felt like I worked really hard and it doesn't show! I did measure myself but have nothing to compare it to right now because I don't have access to my files.

I am NOT going to let this bring me down, though. I am going to learn from it and move on. Here are the lessons that I'm taking from this devastating month of weight loss:

If I have make-up workouts to do, I will do them earlier than the day before weigh-in (I worked out for two hours last light. Was there a chance for the effect to ''sink in''?).
I will weigh in every week. I think that if I can recognize that I am not losing weight on a weekly basis, I can intervene, rather than losing a whole month of weight loss.
I will taper off my calories rather than just do 1800 for two years. I don't want to plateau.
I will be more honest with myself about portion sizes.
I will work out EVERY day, regardless of how tired/cranky/moody/busy I am. Last week, I worked out for over 5 hours. I gave up almost every week night to catch up. Never again.
I will eat the allowed calorie amount and not go over. Ever.
This means I have to stop eating out. It's ruining my calorie plan adherence. No more fast food.

Okay, I know that 5 and 6 are really strict, but I think that may be what I need right now. I know that I can do this. I just have to work harder and smarter.

I know that I went through an awful funk and I think that played a large part in my lethargy. I need to remember to use exercise as a stress reliever and mood stabilizer.

Well, I'm off and much more focused now.

Not Ready

2009-01-26T16:54:00.003-05:00

I am not ready for today's topic. I am going to try it tomorrow.

I'm getting really anxious about keeping within my calorie range for this month. Since I've gotten out of my funk, I have been eating much better, but I'm just not sure I can catch up in time. I can't fast a full day, so I'm thinking of doing half-fasts Tuesday and Wednesday. That should take care of it.

Satisfied

2009-01-25T22:49:00.001-05:00

Today was a good day. At one point, I almost took a bag of chips to the couch with me, but instead, I poured out a serving size and took that plate instead. I felt really proud of myself for that.

Raji hung out here for most of the day. I shouldn't have used it as an excuse, but I felt somewhat weird working out while he was there. So, I'm still quite behind on the workouts. I'm feeling kind of anxious about catching up.

Today's weight loss topic is "Nurturing Power of Food":
Tonight, I had two pieces of Dove dark chocolate (yum). I only ate two and did not return to the fridge for more. I felt really proud of myself for not eating any more!

Learning My Lessons

2009-01-24T22:44:00.000-05:00

Today has been a good day. We went out to dinner with some friends and I had a salad and soup! I felt really good about my decision. I have tons of workouts to make up but haven't moved an inch. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. I have to be caught up by Saturday!

Today's weight loss topic is "First Two Bites":

Every time I ate, I asked myself if I was satisfied after the two bites. Or, before I even ate, I asked myself if I would be satisfied after two bites. If the answer was yes, then I didn't eat it.
This worked for most of the day except for dessert. Still, I shared half of my dessert instead of eating the whole thing! I think that this is an improvement. :).

Messed Up Again

2009-01-23T16:43:00.000-05:00

I'll do the topic tomorrow. Ugh.

Behind Again

2009-01-22T15:58:00.002-05:00

Blech! I did not work out last night. Kalem, Raji, and I ended up going to dinner and afterwards, I watched TV and cleaned up a bit. So, I'm behind AGAIN! This weekend I am catching up completely. I can't keep letting this happen.

My tummy is upset today. I've eaten two bagels. Jeez.

I'm pushing today's weight loss topic back a day because I love it and don't want to do it so late in the day. Until tomorrow!

Almost Caught Up

2009-01-21T14:22:00.002-05:00

Last night, I was this close to finally being caught up with my workouts but I just couldn't convince myself to do yoga. Why was it so hard to do yoga?! Gah. So, I am completely caught up on cardio (whoo!), and have three yoga sessions to make up. I'm not too worried about taking care of them this weekend. I am really working hard to make sure I consistently log my meals. I'm not sure just how much I've gone over in the past few weeks. I'm sure eating 1500 for the rest of the month should even me out.

I've been thinking about how I will react if I don't lose 5 pounds this month. I am determined to not let it get me down if I don't and to remind myself that it was a really bad month for me and I have to work my butt off next month.

Today's weight loss topic is "Morning affects evening":
Like yesterday, I have no problem with not eating breakfasts. If I could, I would have eggs and grits every morning!
Some of my late-day snacks can be yogurt, popcorn, apples, and granola bars. All are filling and will keep me satisfied until dinner time.

I'm Back!

2009-01-20T15:26:00.002-05:00

Hello! After a long interlude, I'm back. I have not been eating well AT ALL. I went through an incredible funk and let everything go--my health, my appearance, my effort in the marriage. Well, after some healing, I am back! The good news is that I am almost completely caught up on my exercise. As for food, I am going to eat 1,600 calories a day (I did not monitor my eating and am sure I went way over) for the rest of the month. I think that I should be fine after that.

During this funk, when I felt really down but was able to force myself to work out, I felt a lot better than the days that I wallowed in my feelings. So, I have learned how much exercise can really affect my mood. I think that by exercising daily, I can better stabilize my mood and hopefully avoid having any more ''bummed-out times''.

Of course, I haven't been doing my weight-loss topics, but I am starting up again. So, here it is.

''Oops, I Forgot to Eat''
I never forget to eat! But, it is important to regularly schedule my meals to make sure that I don't overeat. So here is my schedule for tomorrow:

8:00-breakfast
10:00-tea
12:00-lunch
2:00-snack
4:00-snack
6:00-snake
8:00-dinner
10:00-dessert
8 cups of water

Shazam!

2009-01-13T16:41:00.003-05:00

Today Jen bought chips and queso for the Hotline office and I haven't eaten ONE! Woohoo! I feel fantastic about it! Jen was great and keeps saying how bad that they taste. :). I used that trick from the "Magic Notebook" day and reminded myself that I'd had them two weeks ago and I could hold until my birthday. It's only a couple of months away (!) and the chips are way salty and I'm making homemade chili tonight. So, I'll be fine!

I am super proud of myself!

Struggling

2009-01-13T12:07:00.002-05:00

Last night was hard. I am taking a class about health and I felt like everyone was looking at me when the teacher was talking about obesity. It may not be true, but I felt so embarrassed by my size. How did I let myself get this way?

I was seriously thinking about gastric bypass on the bus ride home. Kalem talked me down and reminded me that I would be so much prouder of myself if I were to do it myself, with no surgery. And I know that I can. I must. I am healthy now but I don't want to take that for granted. That could change any moment.

Today's weight loss topic is "Two purposes of food":
I know that having planned "fuel stops" helps with avoiding overeating. So far today, I have had two pieces of toast. They served as both fuel and flavor appreciation (I really love multi grain bread!). I can avoid overeating by remembering that food is mostly for fuel. I can be more proactive about not overeating by planning every fuel stop of the day.

Support

2009-01-12T14:02:00.001-05:00

Today's weight loss topic is "Appreciate good support":

This morning I asked Kalem to compliment my outfit (I really like this outfit!). He did and I said, "Thank you, I really needed to hear that today!".
When others compliment me, instead of brushing it off, I can be honest about how good that makes me feel.

Today, I have completed 10 days of weight loss! I feel great about the commitment I've made! I can't wait to continue this journey and see real results!

Impatient

2009-01-12T11:59:00.001-05:00

Last night and today, I haven't been honest with others regarding how much weight I've lost. I want it to be more than it is--something impressive. But, I know that I need to be patient and remember that I didn't gain it overnight and that it will take some time to have big results.

Today's weight loss topic is "Here's What I Want":
1. If you see me eating something that’s not on my diet plan, ask me if I’ve had a bad day and give me a hug.
2. When I’m making progress, such as losing weight, compliment me on how I look but never comment on my progress in front of others.
3. When I’m struggling or gaining weight, tell me you notice and really care about my struggle, hug me and show me extra affection; also, ask me how you can help.
4. When I’m making progress you can’t see (such as improving my self-esteem), ask me how my efforts are going.
5. When I’ve maintained my weight (even though I may still want to lose more), tell me you are proud of my current efforts and compliment me on my looks and my efforts.

Help?

2009-01-11T11:48:00.001-05:00

Oh my goodness. I ate my weight in food yesterday. Don't believe me? Well, to prove my point, for dinner, I had a pizza. Not pieces, but a whole, thin-crust, spinach pizza. And dessert? A pint of Ben and Jerry's. Oh my freaking goodness.

I'm so mad at myself. But, I won't lie, it tasted really, really, really good.

As punishment, though, my stomach has rebelled against me. I feel absolutely awful. This should serve as a lesson: don't eat crap or you'll feel like crap! Ugh, I am so sick.

Today, I'm eating mostly fruits and veggies in order to give my belly a break and work toward evening out my calories.

Oh, I lost a pound! I still haven't decided how the weighing will go, but I am 1/5 of the way toward my month's goal. Whoo!

I think that I will do my weigh-ins biweekly. Or, just on the weeks that I even out. I'm not sure. If I have to spend a whole month getting back on track, though, maybe I should only weigh once a month. I'm not sure.

I have this great daydream of weighing once a month and the scale saying I've lost 10 pounds! Wouldn't that be fantastic?! But, if it only says two, maybe it would be good to know what my progress is earlier in order to step things up. I don't want to wait a whole month to find out I've plateaued.

Maybe, just for this month, I won't weigh again until the 1st. After that, we'll see.

Today's weight loss topic is: "Help me, please":

I am always happy to get compliments that I look more toned or healthier and that I seem to have more energy now that I'm losing weight. I also appreciate clearing the table right after one serving.
I do not appreciate someone saying "do you really want to eat that?". While it works, it makes me really resentful toward the person who said it. I really HATE weight loss tips when I don't ask for them, too.

Blah

2009-01-10T10:25:00.000-05:00

I ate SO much yesterday. I am so disappointed in myself. BUT I will come back from this! Next week I'll make up for it!

I don't feel my best. I don't think I'm sick, but I'm really tired and cold. I have no energy.

I just feel blah today.

Today's weight loss topic is "I can do it!":

I can do it because I have put my heart and soul into this process.
I can do it because I have a healthy woman bursting to get through.
I can do it because I believe in myself.
I can do it because I am worth it.

Using these words of encouragement helps me through the hard times, like when I want to overeat and/or not exercise. Like today. :(

Change of Plans

2009-01-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

I have been bad. Catastrophically bad. There is no way that I can recover this week within my calorie range. So, there's been a change of plans. I don't know if this is permanent, but for now, I will use next week to even out. Hopefully I can still lose some weight!

I'm disappointed in myself but will not let this make me start over (even though that's what I'm tempted to do!). I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Today's topic is "Protect Your Program":

Three high-risk times for overeating for me are when I'm in the Hotline office, on Friday nights, and when I am out with the Brigade.
I can protect my program by saying "Not just yet. I'm going to wait a little while."
I haven't protected my program yet, but I will use this technique from now on.

Temptation

2009-01-08T14:25:00.001-05:00

Today I am really aware of how overeating really affects the way I feel physically. This week, my digestion has been pretty good. Today, because I ate fatty fast food, I feel terrible! Awful gas! I think it's important to keep this consequence of overeating in mind as I go through this lifestyle change.

Today's daily topic is "Magic Notebook":
I like the idea of writing down what I am craving instead of eating it, but I'm not sure how it will work for me. I wonder if writing it will just make me want it even more. But, I am willing to try anything!

Almost daily, I crave Qdoba (I don't know if it's because I've been eating so much salt lately) and brownies. I had Qdoba for lunch today. The next time I crave it, I will remind myself that I recently had it and encourage myself to put it off for another week (and another week and another...). The next time I eat it, I will have chips and salsa and half of a brownie. This is not a filling meal and perhaps reminding myself of this will lead me to not eat it after all.

Kalem picked me up for lunch today and we ended up going to Qdoba. I love Kalem with all of my heart, but I know that I am really going to have to work extremely hard to keep him from enabling me and keep myself on track. I overate today (I'm over calories for the week) and will now have to really limit my intake for Saturday and Sunday. This is a valuable lesson to me: I have to be dilligent at all times with every one!

I've spent some time reading Calorie Queens. One of the exercises was to learn how many calories I've been eating to keep up my current weight of 268. As 12 calories are necessary per pound:

270x12= 3240

Holy freaking crap. Over 3,000 calories a day?! Unbelievable. So, given what I want to weigh (150x12=1800), I am eating 1440 calories more than I should be per day. Wow. Holy smokes. It really puts it into perspective.

I can't help but wonder where those calories are coming from. Sugar? Oils? Qdoba? :). I am so glad that I'm making this change now instead of when I'm unhealthy and sick. I am so focused on keeping up with my healthy behaviors now.

Setting Boundaries

2009-01-07T15:15:00.000-05:00

Today's weight-loss topic is "Boundaries, not diets":

Narrow road

1,800 calories/day
Staying within calories per day
Run 5 days/week
Yoga 2 days/week
No sugar
No salt
No meat
No fast food
No eating out
Only serving sizes

Wide road

Calories according to weight
Staying within calories per week
Cardio exercise 5 days/week
Strength-training exercise 2 days/week
Use serving sizes as a guide
Limited sugar
Limited salt
Limited meat
Limited eating out
Limited fast food

I can be flexible by following the wider road while trying to lose weight.

Just Say No

2009-01-06T12:30:00.000-05:00

Today's weight loss topic is "Do It Anyway":

I didn't want to take the stairs today, but I did it anyway.
It felt really good to accomplish something physical, even though I didn't want to!
I am committed to taking the stairs, working out, and not eating fast food, even if I do not want to at the moment.

Today's been really good--I haven't overeaten and I'm almost done with my water.

I've been thinking a little more about weighing-in. I'm not sure if I want to do it monthly, because I monitor my calories/water/exercise on a weekly basis. Would that throw things off? On the other hand, I don't weigh myself the week before my period (as the bloat begins!) or the week after it ends (because of residual bloat!). So, I really would only weigh myself twice a month anyway! However, I wonder if I'll find more motivation in knowing just how many more pounds I need to lose to make my month's goal. Hmm. I'm not sure yet.

I am trying to lose 60 pounds this year. This will get me halfway to my goal. To accomplish that, I will have to lose 5 pounds a month. I can do that! It seems so easy when it's put that way!

Committed

2009-01-05T14:32:00.001-05:00

Today's weight loss topic is "Interested or Committed?":

I am committed to losing my weight-loss plan no matter what!
I will stick to my program no matter what by taking it one day at a time, focusing of smaller weight-loss goals instead of the overall one, and believing in myself.
To show that I am truly committed, I have only eaten healthy foods today!

In relation to focusing only on small goals, I am prepared to focus on only 5 pounds at a time. Here's to weighing 265!

Because I am living in a "maintenance mode" as a 150-pound woman from now on, I'm beginning to think about not weighing myself as often. Perhaps I will only weigh and measure myself once a month? It would feel really nice to not be so attached to the scale. I'm excited about the prospect. I'll make a decision by Sunday (which would be my normal weigh-in day).

I haven't been the best eater today. I went a little overboard with flax seed chips and pretzels. Okay, so it's not Qdoba. But I'm a little worried about staying within my calorie limit today! I'll have to be careful for the rest of the day.

The Last Straw

2009-01-04T18:33:00.001-05:00

In the last few...err...months I haven't done jack squat. I wish that I had reasons, but they are all just excuses. I stopped running, walking, or doing much of anything. I just feel crappy about my health.

The last straw was three weeks ago. I was weighed at the doctor's office and weigh 270 pounds. I can remember when I hit 200 and thought my life was over. 250 and I was devastated. 260 and I knew it would be easier to gain 20 pounds and get gastric bypass than lose the weight I needed. 268 and I HAVE HAD IT. No more. I HAVE TO MAKE A CHANGE.

I decided to wait until the new year because I didn't want to set myself up for failure. Now, I'm ready.

So, I have made a resolution to get healthy NOW. It's been far too long and I am sick of making excuses.

For the next 100 days, I'm going to be reading a book called "100 Days of Weight Loss". It will take me through exercises to help me work through my struggles with weight loss. I'm really determined and am sure that I will succeed.

I am currently 270 pounds. My goal is to weigh 150 pounds. This puts me in the "normal" category according to my BMI (well, it's a little bit below, but I thought it was a good, round number). It also gives me some wiggle room as I age--hopefully I never pass 175 in my life again! I will be weighing in every Sunday. If I lose 2 pounds a week, I should reach 150 by February 28, 2010. If I lose 1 pound a week, I should reach 150 by April 24, 2011. I don't really plan on it happening, but I would loved to lose the weight by March 10, 2010. That way, I would hit my goal weight when I'm 25 (ha!). But it's okay if I don't make it--I won't let it get me down. It feels like a really long time, but I am committed to it. Also, I'm using http://www.thedailyplate.com/ to monitor my intake. It's a really cool website and I think it will be helpful!

Well, one of the first exercises in the book are to write down a few reasons for losing the weight. I had to go all out (of course) and I have given a reason for every pound I want to lose. So, here are my 120 reasons for losing weight.

My Reasons for Losing Weight!
1. To sweat less
2. To have healthier nails
3. To have healthier hair
4. To have better skin
5. To fit in amusement park ride seats
6. To fit in bus seats more easily
7. To fit in desks more easily
8. To fit in airplane seats more easily
9. To be able to take leisurely walks without getting winded
10. To develop a healthy addiction
11. To set (and reach) new goals
12. To not have to make the same New Year’s resolution every year (and fail)
13. To have a more successful career
14. To be able to participate in sports
15. To explore new places
16. To smell better
17. To help others
18. To encourage others
19. To be able to participate in Race for the Cure and other events
20. To stop spending money on weight loss resources
21. To be able to indulge without feeling guilty
22. To have a better selection of clothes to choose from
23. To save money on food
24. To save money on clothes
25. To buy a new wardrobe
26. To learn to enjoy healthy, nutritious foods
27. To control my eating
28. To control my snacking
29. To control my emotional eating
30. To not embarrass myself when eating at social functions
31. To look better
32. To look younger
33. To feel sexier
34. To have better sex
35. To not have a double chin
36. To have thighs that don’t touch
37. To be able to wear a bikini
38. To have a flat stomach
39. To look great at my high school reunion
40. To look wonderful in my second wedding dress
41. To get smaller than my high school weight
42. To be able to fit into a size 12 (or smaller!)
43. To avoid health-related surgeries
44. To avoid weight-related surgeries
45. To find more positive outlets for emotions
46. To learn patience
47. To have a chance for "me time"
48. To actually get called "thin"
49. To not be controlled by my weight
50. To prove to myself I have self-control
51. To teach myself discipline
52. To have something that is done for myself by choice rather than requirement
53. To increase brainpower
54. To improve my performance
55. To be able to play with my nieces and nephews
56. To not end up like my father
57. To prevent depression
58. To feel more comfortable taking pictures
59. To be happy when I look in the mirror
60. To not feel guilty when I weigh myself
61. To improve my body image
62. To feel more comfortable in my skin
63. To feel better about myself
64. To be less stressed
65. To sleep more soundly
66. To be healthier
67. To improve my immune system
68. To have more energy
69. To have a waist
70. To be more flexible
71. To have more stamina
72. To have better endurance
73. To improve mobility
74. To be stronger
75. To have a healthy lifestyle
76. To prevent knee problems
77. To prevent back problems
78. To have better control over IBS
79. To not be a part of the obesity epidemic
80. To prevent sleep apnea
81. To prevent hypertension
82. To prevent high cholesterol
83. To prevent osteoarthritis
84. To prevent stroke
85. To prevent heart attacks
86. To prevent heart disease
87. To prevent cancers
88. To prevent diabetes
89. Because it’s TIME. NO MORE EXCUSES.
90. To actually follow through with something
91. To show my loved ones how grateful I am for their support
92. To make my loved ones proud
93. To be proud of myself for making such a large accomplishment
94. To improve my quality of life
95. To live longer
96. To have healthier joints
97. To be able to enjoy exercise
98. To be able to take dance classes
99. To not be embarrassed by my size
100. To not have rolls
101. To not always feel like I need to lose weight
102. To not have people cringe when I sit next to them on the bus
103. To be able to cross my legs
104. To prevent anxiety
105. To be able to take the stairs without getting winded
106. For all of the reasons I have yet to realize, but am sure to soon come to appreciate
107. To get called "thin" at least once in my life
108. To not get snide remarks about my weight from others
109. To be able to see my toes
110. To not get "fat girl" looks when I'm eating junk food
111. To put less stress on the environment
112. To get hit on again
113. To be able to wear backless dresses (if I decide to!)
114. To look good in photos
115. To not get asked if I'm pregnant when I'm not
116. To not get the "weight loss talk" when I go to the doctor
117. To not dread stepping on the scale
118. To stop dieting FOR GOOD
119. To have great legs again
120. To be able to go sleeveless comfortably

I'm trying something new--there is a method called "Eucalorics", where one eats at the weight they want to be. So, I will be in effect skipping the weight loss process and going straight to maintenance! I will be eating as a 150-pound woman eats (1,800 calories/day). I feel really good about this. I know that I can make it this time.

The first day's topic is "I Used to Be That Way":

I fear that I will fall off of the wagon and never lose the weight I want to.
When on diets before, I let myself get discouraged when I overate or didn't exercise one day.

I used to be that way, but now I'm different.

I used to take the elevator at work, but now I take the stairs.
I used to let my emotions influence my diet, but now I deal with my feelings in healthy, active ways.
I used to dread having to exercise every day, but now I look forward to my workout time as a time to improve my life.
I used to spend money on fast food, but now I don't eat fast food anymore.
I used to eat every free food put in front of me, but now I think about what goes into my mouth, regardless of the price.
I used to eat whatever I like, but now I watch my intake.
I used to get easily discouraged, but now I keep pressing on.
I used to eat like an obese person, but now I eat like a fit, healthy woman.

I went for a run today at Frick Park. It was so hard! I really thought my chest would explode at one point. I have never run hills before and they kicked my butt. I feel proud of myself for doing it, though. I think that for now, I'm going to train for the Race for the Cure in May. I cannot do a marathon--I need to be honest about it. I may be able to do a half-marathon, but not right now--the Pittsburgh Marathon may be killer due to the hills. So, I'm going to try to do a 5K first. That seems so much more reasonable! I think that it will be a real challenge, too--learning to continuously run on hills. I'm excited!

I'm really serious about losing the weight now. I'm so excited to be beginning this journey!

Chavonne the Walker

2008-09-11T16:09:00.006-04:00

Oy, I've had the crappiest week. I mean, I know that I can say it's been a bad week, but this week has been bad. I almost quit my job and the social work program this week. It would have been a good week to get out there and run and not let myself stew and get more upset.

But I didn't! On Tuesday night, I planned for an early run that didn't work out and when I got home from work/internship, Surbhi called, so I poured a glass of wine and sat down to talk to one of my dearest friends after about two months of not doing so. It was a much better choice because we really needed to catch up. Who needs to run?

Anyhoo, during our talk, we caught each other up on our running progress. Well, really our non-running progress. Neither of us have run in about three weeks (though she has hit much higher milestones during her training!) and seem to have no time to do so right now. Well, we have time to run, but not increase mileage. It's hard to devote hours on end to run. So, we don't know what that means for the marathon, but we'll decide sooner or later (or, that morning when we decide to go to brunch instead).

While we were on the phone, I brought up walking and how I though that maybe I would like to start walking my miles instead of running them. I'm not sure about that, but I have walked four miles in the last two days. It's been great! My calves don't hurt and my right knee has been much nicer to me when I have to take the stairs. Even funnier, my pace is like 2 minutes faster than it was when I ran. I wonder if I sauntered too much during the walking portions of the runs.

I can't decide if I want to just focus on getting healthy right now rather than walking a marathon. I think I want to work on exercising daily and eating right for now and then seeing where that goes.

I think I'm going to have to change the title of my blog! Or merge it with my other one. Who knows?!

Shimmy Shakes

2008-09-02T16:05:00.002-04:00

Today I started thinking about taking up belly dancing. I did it for a summer when I was in Houston for an internship (I miss you, Steph!) and I LOVED it. I had the intention of getting into when I went back home to Lubbock, but I couldn't afford the classes. Now I can afford it and I'm starting to think it would be freaking great.

I am struggling with my running right now and I think that's why I'm thinking of "cheating" on it. Swimming is another idea that I'm flirting with--I know it's good for you and non-impact, which would be bliss for my crampy calves. I wonder if I would get bored with belly dancing. Would shimmying around ever get boring? I can't imagine it! I think it would be a blast. Plus, I feel sexy doing it. I look sexy doing it. Kalem thinks it's sexy, too. Hmm.

Anyhoo, so I will be looking into classes a little further. So far, the cheapest I've found are $15 classes. I don't know if I want to afford that much a month. I am still thinking on it.

For now, though, I keep remembering how great it made me feel, so in love with my curves. It might be really great for me!

Dedication

2008-09-02T15:54:00.002-04:00

So. When I first started running, I loved it. I lived for it (in addition to other things, of course). I would wake up in the morning and the first thing I would think was "it looks like a gorgeous day to run" or "it's not a good day to run outside". And, I would still run anyway. Lately, since I got hurt, really, I haven't had the "running mojo". If I get out there and run, I'm usually cranky about it. But, once the run is over, I'm glad I did it. I want that feeling again, where I couldn't wait to get out there and run. I loved that feeling! I miss it.

I am still running, but at larger intervals of time and not nearly as pleasant about it. I feel great after it's done. I just want to feel great about it before I leave. I have almost called this a failed attempt at a hobby at least 30 times in the last three weeks. But, I'm still forcing myself out there every once in a while. A few nights ago, Mom and I were on the phone and she said something to the effect of "well, you've been running a lot for a while now, so I'm sure you have gotten so much healthier". Ahem. I'm not sure when I will see my parents next, but after the phone call I told Kalem, "I really have to get in shape because my parents already believe I am doing so". Is that the motivation I should use?

Or it could be Surbhi. She is super intense about it and really dedicated. I told her I was thinking of backing out of the marathon and she said even if I walked the whole dang thing I was doing it with her. I feel bullied, but she's right. I committed to her and was so gung-ho that I made her promise to run it with me. That would suck for me to leave her by herself. So, I'll be there to run it with her, even if I am 5 miles behind her.

It could be myself. It SHOULD be myself. I have never followed through on any health thing ever. I need to keep myself focused on myself. Not myself as the individual parts--the more I think about how much my calves hurt, the less I am willing to get back out there again. I have to focus on myself as a person and the goals and dreams I had for myself.

This is a pointless blog, but it was a good pep talk for the run I have scheduled after work. Wish me luck! And dedication!

New Shoes!

2008-08-26T13:43:00.002-04:00

Oh happy day! I bought some new running shoes! It was time--my shoes were something like 5 years old and running in them was agony. They are Asics Gel-Nimbus:

http://www.asicsamerica.com/products/product.aspx?PRODUCT_ID=240009425&TITLE_CATEGORY_ID=250001543

I think these may be the coolest shoes I've ever owned. I love them.

I went for a run in them on Sunday and it wasn't too comfortable, but that's okay--the first runs are not always great when the shoes are being broken in. Even though it wasn't the best run, it was pretty great, because they were so soft and supportive. I'm pumped.

On other health notes, I'm tired of being a bad eater. I can't say that I was healthy when I started college, but I was a better eater. Fast forward 6 years (and 80 pounds!) and I'm a terrible eater. Well, I'm not as bad as I was before I started running, but I could be better. So, I'm going to try to focus on my eating, too. I am going to avoid fast food (because it really is the devil--a calorie-laden, fatty devil) and listening to my body in regard to why and what I'm eating. So, yeah! Hope it goes well!

The first thing that I'm trying to do is cut back on caffeine. I can't do it all at once and this is the right time to stop drinking coffee--it's not cold so I won't be missing out on its warming effect. I was doing pretty well for a while--I took three weeks off, but two weeks ago, I started drinking it again. On Sunday night I couldn't get to sleep until 3:15 AM. I don't know if that's because of the cup of coffee I had that morning, but it really made me recommit to not drinking it anymore (after drinking it yesterday to make it through the day on 3.5 hours of sleep!). After I get this down, I think fast food will be my next project. I think it will be hard because on the weekends when we're doing errands, it's easy to pick something up, especially if Kalem plans to get something himself. So, it's an ongoing process, but I'm excited about it!

The Street Running Experiment

2008-08-19T15:51:00.004-04:00

If you don't live in this area, I know that you won't know the streets I mentioned. Still I wanted to make it a part of my tale!

Well. On Sunday, I decided to do a street around my neighborhood and the surrounding area. I had an eight-mile run scheduled (a feat since I can't seem to get past 4 flipping miles at a time) and I knew that I'd lose my mind running around a track 8 times. I woke up early (8:00AM on a freaking Sunday!) and thought about running at that time, but Kalem and I went to brunch instead. And of course we did--what sane woman picks a 8-mile run over pancakes?! It was a really nice, cool morning and I know should have run then. But that's water under the bridge.

The day hit 80 degrees. My first mistake was running in 80-degree weather. My second mistake was only waiting 1.5 hours to run after I ate lunch. Anyhoo. I started out and did okay for the first mile or so (from Negley/Hampton to Highland/Hampton to Highland/Penn). I thought, this is going to be great! I'm such a runner! Okay. I got accosted by a creepy dude during one long stretch of sidewalk. He ran next to me talking about how good I looked, etc., and singing some song I didn't catch the words to. I could have easily taken this man if he tried anything (on account on my being bigger than him as well as full of terror), but still, I was freaked out. After a while he gave up. I had started running pretty quickly to get away from him and by the time I was away from him, I was completely worn out and sweating like crazy. I walked a little bit longer than usual to catch my breath. We'll call my third mistake running faster than my normal, snail-like pace.

By this time my right calf was screaming. This shouldn't be a surprise--I have known for at least a month that I need new shoes. I bought my beloved running shoes during my first (failed) attempt at becoming a runner, back in 2004. I know that one should replace shoes around every 500 miles and even though I have failed at being a runner a few times, during those attempts, in addition to using them as workout shoes at the gym, I'm sure that I've surpassed that limit. I shouldn't have even gone past that amount because, as a large runner, I wear out shoes a lot faster than smaller runners. So, these shoes are done. So, my fourth mistake was running in worn-out, though beloved, running shoes.

So, I ran up a slow incline up Penn (this was not a mistake, but I absolutely detest hills) and tried to keep my mind focused on what I was doing and seeing and hearing rather than the miles ahead. I finally got up the incline and made a turn down Fifth St. Now came the biggest mistake of all (excluding the running in extremely bad shoes). I sat down. I was worn out and sat on a bus stop bench. Okay, that's a lie. I laid down on the bench. I caught my breath and allowed myself to let my heartbeat come to a regular rate. It felt great. After a while, I reminded myself that I didn't have my bus pass so I couldn't wait until a bus came by to get home. So I got up and started shuffling along. One good thing about stopping was that it finally felt that there was a breeze (just air drying my sweat, but it felt great!). I got tired again and bent over under the shade, trying to catch my breath.

Then I made my sixth mistake. I texted Kalem that I needed him to tell me I could do this. Kalem was in the Oakland area playing a video game with Raji. On his way home he called me and, being the kind, supportive, loving, enabling husband that he is, he offered to pick me up. I could have kissed his feet. I was so thrilled. And so tired. So, I walked toward where he was coming from and let him take me home. I stopped at Fifth and Negley, I was so tired and humiliated, but I sure couldn't wait to get home and elevate my throbbing calf muscles and eat some cheese and pretzels. And that's just what I did.

I was so sure that I had run at least four miles. I just knew it. Sadly, though, it ended up being just three miles. I was so sad. How could the most exhausting run of my life only be three miles?! Still, I'm proud of myself for still running even after making so many mistakes. From now on, I plan on sticking to a safe park, running when it's cool, and getting some sassy NEW running shoes.

My calves still hurt, but they're getting better. I also made the mistake (#300?) of wearing heels to work yesterday. Not so smart of me. I am buying new shoes this weekend for sure because my calves can't take this anymore.

If I have to walk this dang marathon, I'm still doing it. I plan to keep running as much as I can. After all, my goal is to finish and not to finish within a certain amount of time. I'm still intent on doing this. Just at a bit of a slower pace!

Running Cold

2008-08-11T10:50:00.002-04:00

I have only run twice since I last wrote. This may sound okay to some, but I was scheduled to run at least three more times than that. Bah.

Anyhoo, the first run was really good. I finally got out of my 3-mile rut and it was a pretty comfortable run. Yesterday's run, however, was a nightmare. On Saturday, Kalem treated me to a fantastic day at the spa. I had a massage for the first time in my life as well as a mani/pedi. I don't know if it contributed (the masseuse told me to drink a lot of water because I could dehydrate) to it, but by the end of the night, I was feeling pretty tired and out of it. I think it's something of a cold. I got up to run (after 12.5 hours of sleep!) and my head was swimming. My chest was a little congested so I had a lot of trouble breathing deeply. So, instead of six miles, I ran three. Bah!

I think I need a change of perspective. Running hasn't been fun for me lately. It was a joy when I first started, when it was just about running. Now that mileage has become the focus, though, I'm easily frustrated and feel let down. I feel I need to change back to running for running's sake. But, I don't know what that would mean in regard to the marathon. I'm just not sure. Surbhi has been running like a fiend and I am super proud of her! I don't want to let her down. Or myself--I never seem to meet fitness goals.

So...I'm not sure what that means about the upcoming marathon. I have some thinking to do. For now, though, I'm just going to run and focus on how fantastic it makes me feel!

ChiRunning

2008-07-29T09:51:00.004-04:00

When I last wrote, I had decided to take a hiatus from running to improve my running. It sounds a little goofy, I know, but I felt like I needed a break from pounding my joints into the asphalt to learn more about how to run safely and without impact and as much effort (and therefore faster and longer). I planned to take some time to read "ChiRunning" (if you want more info, there's also a website: http://www.chirunning.com/).

I took about a week off to work on my technique. It's so funny that I had to not run in order to run better. I think it's a brilliant method and once I get it down really well, I think it will my runs will be worlds better.

On Sunday night, I spent a good part of it working on posture, etc. I didn't really get the leg part of the equation, but I tried to do as best I could. I still don't get how to work my legs!

I went for my first run yesterday morning. I didn't have any real goals except for trying to incorporate ChiRunning as much as I could during my scheduled three-mile run. I found it really frustrating--the first time I tried it I ran way too fast and had to stop really quickly because I was gasping for breath. The next time I tried it, I got the lean right, but my breathing was off and my legs hurt. A few times running later, I think I got the lean, my breathing was improving, but now my shins hurt! That has never happened during a run! (It's always my calves, but I've never had shin trouble). Gah.

So, I finished my run feeling annoyed and tired. I felt like I had only run 10 minutes of the whole session. When I looked down on my watch, though, my 3-mile run time had decreased by 3 minutes! Hot dog! So, even though I don't think I could have had the very best run, I improved! I'm excited about really getting everything down and getting even better!

As I took a large amount of time away from my training, I'm not sure what this will mean for my marathon training. Right now, I feel like my training should focus more on form and technique than on increasing distance. For now, I think I'll keep my runs under 5 miles until I feel comfortable with how the runs are going. I'll keep you updated on how this progresses!

Ouch, etc.

2008-07-17T19:38:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day that I said, "I might not be able to do this". I am frustrated by just how tired I am during runs lately. Today's run was brutal. I guess another lesson I learned from my fantastic run yesterday was "If one runs at top speed, she will not be able to run the next day." Ha! So, about 1.5 miles into my run, my body began a pretty speedy shut-down, beginning with my right calf and ending with my lower back. Gah.

I am seriously thinking I am taking this whole running thing too far. Maybe it was insanity for an obese woman to think she could start from the most activity typically performed in a week equalling opening the Oreo package and end up running an immense number of miles in the span of a year. Oy. But, I set this goal and, by gum, I will get there!

I am spending the weekend working on my technique. I think that my doing yoga has helped with my flexibility, but I'm hoping to get even better. I have heard about a method called ChiRunning (www.chirunning.com), and am really excited that it will help with my technique, amount of energy, and ability to increase my mileage. I have the book out from the library, wish me luck! If I don't find a new method soon, I won't make it much longer!

Pace Yourself

2008-07-16T12:02:00.007-04:00

Last night, I went running right after work. I hadn't planned on doing so, but a pretty wretched call at the hospital led to my work day lasting 10 hours instead of the normal 8. So, since I was too late to make it to class (not a bad thing at all!), I went home and relaxed for an hour before heading out for a 2-mile make up run (this was to finish the required miles for Saturday). Somehow I thought this would help me unwind after a long day--and it did! It was a wonderful night--a little bit warmer than I thought when I first left the house, but there was a breeze and an hour left until sunset.

The first thing I learned during my run was that I HAVE TO GET A NEW MP3 PLAYER! I recently broke mine--the result of dropping it 20,384,030 times during runs in the last 5 months, I think--and I borrowed Kalem's pristine player for this run. It always makes it go by so much faster! I know that as I increase my miles, it will be the most important equipment that I own. And also that as Kalem increases his, he will be less willing to lend his to me! So, that's definitely on the shopping list this weekend!

I started off at a leisurely pace, singing along with current "hits". Has anyone listened to music lately?! What is happening?! "F" this and sex with that and all that mess. What happened to good music? The first thing I will do with my future MP3 player is put my much-appreciated music on to it. The one good thing about most of the crap out right now is it's a good pace to run or walk to. Most of it's faster and if you can get past all of the filth they're "singing/rapping" about, it's worth working out to. Sometimes it's really hard to get a good heart rate listening to my India.Arie...she normally just makes me want to sit in child's pose or make a cup of tea and read for the night! I do have to say "I Kissed A Girl" is a freaking great end-of-the-run song. I was pretty beat, but it helped me push through it. I am not ashamed to say that my player will have a lot of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake on it to get through those long runs!

I know what you're thinking--"why not listen to Kalem's tunes"? Because I can't listen to Nintendo game tracks. It's almost worse than running just with my thoughts--to me; I know Kalem loves them and I love him for it.

Anyhoo. As I said, I started off at a leisurely pace, singing along to the radio. To tell you how slowly I run, there was a very leisurely walker who was ahead of me for most of the run. Well, at one point I caught up to him (I couldn't pass, because my lungs were already threatening to explode) and he became very friendly. Apparently, all I need to increase my speed is a creepy man telling me I'm "doing just fine". I sped up out of hearing distance (like a quarter of a mile away, I certainly could have never lapped him or anything).

The great news is that I blew my pace out of the water. I ran 2 miles in 30:47, which is like 2.5 minutes off of my normal pace (I told you it was normally a slow, sauntering, snail-like pace). My right calf was screaming by the end of it, but after an hour of icing it afterward, I felt fantastic. I am super proud of the fact that I ran so much faster than normal. There is a chance that I will run the required marathon pace (16:02), provided that 1) a creepy, "friendly" guy keeps trying to make conversation and comments on my running "form", and 2) I have some rockin' tunes that can leave my wondering what music is coming to while keeping me at a respectable pace that ends the music torture relatively quickly.

I kissed a girl and I liked it. Hope my boyfriend don't mind it.

Playing Catch Up

2008-07-15T11:11:00.004-04:00

After ending our run early on Saturday, we took Sunday off as well to give Kalem a break and because he was still sore. He has no reason to feel embarrassed(!)--it could happen to anyone. I was glad that he stopped when he started to hurt and that his injury wasn't severe.

As a result, there is 6 miles to catch up on now, in addition to already-scheduled runs. I am trying to get them all done this and next week, but that would mean I would have to run 6 days in a row. Not so fun (or healthy) sounding. Kalem is much more pragmatic and has stretched them out more. I want to get back on track ASAP, so we'll see what happens in the next few days. With long runs coming up, I'd like to be caught up before I have to do my first five miles!

I have been sick to my stomach for the last few days. I have no one to blame but myself--I ate so much junk this weekend! I think that what really did me in was the CiCi's Pizza Saturday afternoon. We both felt awful after eating it. I took yesterday off from work because I was overwhelmingly nauseous. I feel better today, though still a little queasy.

Because of how I've been feeling, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I put into my body. I eat way too much unhealthy, fatty foods, and my stomach is not too happy about it! I made a resolution to be more mindful about what I eat, including asking myself if I'm really, truly hungry. I think that this will help with my overeating as well. I am determined not to eat out as much as I used to as well. It just ends up making me feel bad.

That said, I feel more focused and ready to run, eat better, and take better care of my body. I have done yoga twice and I feel so great about it. I feel that it's really helping my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome--gross, I know), too--even though I felt gross yesterday, after I did yoga, my stomach felt much calmer. My runs are much easier and more enjoyable when I've eaten well before, too. That's important for me to keep in mind if I complain about runs being hard!

It is important for me to remember that what I put in my body is just as important as what I do with it!

Falling Off the Wagon

2008-07-12T20:37:00.002-04:00

Today’s running adventure began as any other; Chavonne and I debated on whether or not to run inside, we prepared our literature and music and got off to a steady start. Today, we switched machines and I ran on a more technologically advanced model that accurately keeps pace; apparently I could not handle this and fell almost immediately into our run. While reading, I dropped the book onto the treadmill and while tracking it, fell right down onto the machine. After pausing a moment to reflect and collect myself and with the help of Chavonne, I realighted the machine and tried my luck once more. However, immediately into the run portion (seventeen seconds to be exact), I fell again over my own feet and we decided to halt the run. I am so angry and embarrassed at myself for ruining our schedule and halting Chavonne’s progress. Hopefully, I can get back into form tomorrow.

On Addictions

2008-07-11T09:15:00.000-04:00

Wednesday’s run was my first evening run and I have to say that I really loved it. The water was quiet and calm and there was a very slight breeze that kept me feeling cool and relaxed. We managed to forget our watches because we had originally planned to run on the treadmills, but they were occupied. So in lieu of running by the clock, we planned our run by landmarks and ran about a third of the mile-long track.

The first run was very difficult; my legs felt like lead and I struggled to get through it. However by the second run, I had a lot of my energy back and I was prepared to continue on. Although our run was cut short by darkness, I learned a lot about my running style in the process. I learned that the enormous amounts of salt I ingest through foods and condiments has really slowed my body down and that’s why I am planning to drastically reduce and then eliminate my soda consumption.

Doing so will allow me to reduce the amount of salt and fluid my body retains and save me around twenty dollars per month. However, going cold turkey as I have tried a few times before results in my getting dramatic headaches, I suppose due to caffeine addiction. So, I will have to play this just right, but the benefits are too great to ignore. Wish me luck.

Running for Clarity

2008-07-11T08:08:00.004-04:00

I started running around the beginning of February. I had been trying to lose weight since December with no success and then decided that running would increase my intensity and would help me lose inches and pounds.

Some things are going in my life that have me all kerfluffled. I feel like not much makes sense right now. I don't feel any peace at home, at work, in my marriage, within myself. I just feel crazy!

I LOVE running. Beginning to run was the best thing I ever did for my health and sanity. It brings me so peace and focus. It feels like the only source of solace right now and I am so grateful for the chance to lace up my shoes and take care of ME. It's the greatest gift right now.

Running on Empty

2008-07-09T21:16:00.001-04:00

We did not want to run tonight! We were really tired and didn't want to put forth the energy to get a run in. It ended up being a really good run, though--it was cool and the sun was setting, so it was lovely weather to run in.

I have been feeling really tired lately and have had trouble sleeping. It's strange because last weekend, I was so exhausted that I could barely get out of bed and stay awake. Either way, my body is tired and my head is continuously hurting. I'm wondering if I'm going through caffeine withdrawal (I stopped drinking coffee in hopes that it would help me sleep). I hope I start feeling better soon!

I'm a little sore in my "haunches" (not my quads, not my hamstrings, like the "outer thigh"...I don't know). It hurts to get up from sitting after a while. All things considered, though, I feel good. I feel healthy and proud of the efforts I have made. I love running!

Pushing It

2008-07-07T17:07:00.002-04:00

Kalem and I took a run yesterday evening around 7 PM. It had been raining outside so we decided to run on the treadmills in the "exercise room" of the apartment complex. I am trying my best to avoid them because I'm afraid of falling again, but I hate getting wet and it was insanely humid, so we ended up inside.

When we first started running, each session focused on the amount of time run rather than the distance. However, now that we have started marathon training, miles are what matter--building upon them regardless of the intensity.

So, we got on the treadmills to start our run. I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere (I was impatient and wanted to be done!), so I increased my speed to "get it over with". Oy. My body started cramping like crazy and I almost had to stop. I decreased my speed, but it was too late. So, instead of running 4 miles, I only ended up running 3.

I was really frustrated with myself for not finishing, but I am glad that I learned a valuable lesson: I have found a pretty comfortable running pace though it is fairly slow. I need to be comfortable with taking forever to run three miles because if I push myself too hard, I'll never make it any further in my training.

I am ready to take on our next run at my snail's pace! Finishing is what's most important. That and being able to still feel my legs!

The Beginning

2008-07-06T17:47:00.005-04:00

I am so excited that Kalem and I have started this blog. We have decided to run as a way of getting healthier. (I think that Kalem is thinking of looking into other forms of exercise, too, so that may be discussed later on). Our main reasons are to lose weight and to get healthy. We want to have the happiest, healthiest, longest marriage that we can. In addition, we want to be healthy in and when we decide to have children. WE ARE NOT PREGNANT (I realized Kalem's entry may have given that idea)! We want to have a healthy pregnancy and raise healthy children.

Our first marathon will be the Richmond Marathon on November 15th. I am really excited and nervous about it. I think it will be a great goal to have as we get in shape. We also are tentatively planning to run the Pittsburgh Marathon May 3rd. This depends on how we feel after our first--if we aren't too broken after this one (!), it may become an annual thing.

Well, Friday's run was certainly a kick in the butt. In case you didn't know, I had taken a three week off to nurse a painful groin pull. I was really ready to get back in the swing of things--before my injury, running had become an important, almost integral, part of my life. I missed having the outlet for stress and way of centering in a fairly busy life.

So. It was a difficult run, but I am so glad we did it! It was wonderful to watch Kalem run--he was always ahead of me. He has such beautiful form. At one point I got teary, because I know how hard he was working and that his main goal is to be healthy enough to play with the kids we are seriously discussing having in the next few days. I am so proud of him. When I saw him sprinting the last of his run, I thought I would burst with pride.

As for me, I too, like Kalem, had a heck of a time on the second-to-last lap. My leg was bothering me a bit after, but I feel fine now. I ran at a snail's pace, but I did it! I think that, with time and more muscle, I will be able to increase my pace to the necessary 16:02. I look forward to increasing my mileage and rediscovering the peace I used to feel while running. We have what feels like a kabillion miles to run during training for this marathon and, though I may complain a few (ha!) times, I can't wait for each and every one of them.

On the First Time

2008-07-06T16:44:00.002-04:00

On Friday, Chavonne and I had our first re-committed run as a marathoning couple and I have to say, it really was a challenge and a gift. We walked and ran a split of five minutes each, and the pace we were able to keep was pretty impressive over our three miles. The runs remained difficult and my feet in particular continued to hurt as I was breaking in a new pair of running shoes with insoles. At one point, I was passed by a blonde woman whose pace inspired me to do my best to keep up and I managed to run about a third of a mile over the five minutes; that may not sound like much but it is a fairly major achievement for someone with as sedentary a history as I have. The second-to-last run was by far the most challenging; my stomach began to cramp, by calves and hamstrings began to burn, and my mouth began to choke with bile. I was fairly positive I would throw up into the city reservoir, which would have been an ecological disaster to say the least.

However, the walk restored my strength and my breath and I even found the energy and drive to sprint the last fifty yards to the finish so I could make a time under fifty minutes for a pace of sixteen minutes and forty seconds. I could not believe I had it in me to sprint as fast as I did which, again, is not objectively fast, but an achievement nonetheless.

The best part (other than finishing and sitting in our air-conditioned car) was seeing the look of happiness on Chavonne’s face as we both pressed and encouraged each other to run harder. It really drove home the point of why we are running in the first place for me, which is to extend our lives with each other by getting healthier. I want to be able to play with our future son (named "Noah," we believe) without getting short of breath; I want to live to see him grow up; and I want to live to protect and love my wife as long as I possibly can. Maybe marathoning is only a step on the road to better health and better lives for both of us.