"And I realized...this wasn't a way to live. This was a way to die." (28 Days)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


The last time I blogged, I mentioned that I may be combining my blogs because I’m just not writing very much in either. So, for the month of September, I’ll be trying that out. I’m not sure if it’s a permanent change yet. I do think it’s a good idea, though—after all, my life’s not compartmentalized! My daily blog is at www.wrightwoman.blogspot.com and I’ll be only writing from there for now. See you there!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Moving Right Along

So much has happened since I last wrote! I really feel that I am making progress. I'm really starting to get into the groove and realizing this isn't a diet, but my way of life now.

Since I last wrote, I got a lot of great feedback about fast food. If I want to eat it, I'll eat it. I won't restrict myself from it. But I am noticing how unhappy it makes my belly, so I am eating less of it already. I've been cooking a lot and really enjoying it. I have started eating rice and gravy again--something I couldn't do before while on my low-sodium diet. It's delightful. I'd forgotten how much I love it! I also made homemade sweet potato fries for dinner tonight and it was so flipping great. Wow, am I loving eating again!

On Friday after work, I got the crazy urge to run. The weather was delightful--warm and breezy. I just couldn't stay in the house. Plus, Kalem was out with his best friend. So, I decided to go for a run and then treat myself to a night at the movies. It felt really good to get out there. I hadn't run in at least a year! My calves were aching by the time I finished (same as before!). Afterwards, I decided that I may need to walk for a while before I'm able to really get back into it. My body was quite achy afterwards. But, I love the feeling I used to have! And I don't want to feel unable to because of my weight. So, I'm thinking about trying it again. I'm not sure yet. I'm aslo feeling really compelled to pick up strength-training. I've never been good about lifting, but I know it's helpful to being healthy, strong, and flexible. We're also talking about buying some big piece exercise equipment for the winter time, but we'll see. I used to love running in the winter, so we might hold off on that. I'll be writing about my workout plans soon.

On Saturday, the hubs and I went winter shopping on Saturday and had a great time, surprisingly. We both agreed to be completely honest when things were too tight and not even pretend we'd fit in items in the "normal" section. So, to the "plus-size" sections we went and bought a lot of great warm clothing. The next day was the real challenge. As we began to add our new clothes to our closets, we decided it was time to remove those that no longer fit in some way. It was really hard, because there were a lot of memories attached to some things. Of course, I kept my wedding dress, but the dress I got engaged in had to go. I even got rid of my "goal jeans"! We got rid of about half of our clothes and donated them. I thought about keeping some smaller clothes, but I am learning to be okay with the fact that I may not lose any weight as I learn to eat intuitively. Now, though, it feels great to get up and find something to wear. I know everything will fit and that I look nice wearing it. I feel so much more comfortable in my body right now. It feels so great!

I've been under the weather for about a week now. For the last two weeks or so, I've been a bit congested and didn't do anything about it because I thought it was just allergies. This week, though, I've been feeling a bit worse. I haven't taken a full day off, so I feel my cold's just been moseying along, not decreasing. I'm feeling a lot better now, but am still battling some dizziness. Hopefully it will be over soon!

I have had a crazy summer health-wise: a really bad cold during our second-anniversary celebration, a reaction to a tetanus shot, allergies, and now this thing. I normally have a really remarkable immune system--I barely ever get sick! I'm hoping that as I get further into IE and exercising again, it will build up again. I especially think that my getting active again will really help with that. I hate feeling sick and tired and really hope to feeling healthy again.

A few weeks ago, Kalem had some chest pain and it really scared my straight. We both talked about the fact that we both need to get active and decided that we could walk the dogs every morning before work. Well, we haven't done it one day yet! We absolutely hate waking up any earlier than we absolutely must! Still, it's the only time we have in common that we can exercise together. I'm really committed to getting this started, but it's so very hard. We're going to start this next week hopefully.

That's really all that's going on with me (I guess I'm not so busy!). I'm strongly considering combining this and daily life blog. I don't write very often and it just might make sense. We'll see!

Well, it's almost been a month since we started IE! Next Tuesday, I'll be writing on how I feel it's going!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Slow and Steady

Today, I went to lunch at Qdoba. I was having a crazy day at home and had no time to grab anything more nutritious. Plus, it had been weeks since I had been there. So, I ordered a vegetarian taco salad and dug in. I was hungry when began. I ate until I felt full. And continued to eat. And eat. And eat, until it was gone. I was stuffed. After finishing, I took my quick, customary 15-minute lunch break walk and it was incredibly uncomfortable. I was so full and yucky-feeling.

I went to the forum for some support. I read a great thread in the Bare Bones Basics section and feel really comforted and secure in the fact that, for right now, I need to keep it as simple as possible. For now I will focus on what I said at the beginning: eating what I want when I'm hungry and stopping when I am full. At this point, I feel like I can't focus on anything else. I'm not even close to mastering this!

I'm seriously contemplating taking some time away from eating fast food. I don't oarticularly like fast food, but I find myself eating it more than I like. I love home-cooked food and take pleasure in eating leftovers. I just have to be better about preparing food. Normally I do this well, but work has been just bonkers lately. I am such a "Waste Not" eater. I hate the idea of letting food go to waste, especially given that we work so hard to afford it! I'm confused as to whether this is the diet mentality kicking in or a helpful way to learn to focus on my hunger and fullness. I've asked for some advice and hope to get some guidance soon.

I am feeling really calm about this. I know that I've eaten non-intuitively for many years and it's going to take some significant time to learn not to.

I've been doing rather well! I've decided not to begin running for now. For sure, I plan to wait until I get a little fitter and I feel more comfortable doing high-impact exercise. If I ever do--I love low-impact workouts and believe one can be healthy and fit without bouncing all over the place. I can't wait until I am out of school and have time to start belly dancing again. I absolutely adored it. I want to learn tap, too. For now, I've been lifting weights and walking. I feel really good about getting active. I've also been taking more care in my appearance and making sure to wear clothing that makes me feel good about my body. It's remarkable how much that's positively affected my attitude. It's time to stop saying, "When I'm thin, I'll...". I have to live now. My weight should never get in the way.

Today, Kalem and I sat down to dinner at the table and didn't talk much. We were very focused on our food. And, get this--we stopped when we were full! Hot dang! It felt great! I hope we soon learn how to do this and still have great dinner conversation! :)

I received my "Clearing Emotional Blocks" CD and will be posting a review soon!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Shopping Trip

Today, Kalem and I went grocery shopping for the first time since we started Intuitive Eating. It was a much different (and better) experience than what we've had in at least five years! It was remarkable to walk through the aisles and pick what we thought would taste good without my spending time poring over the labels. There were a good many things that we got that I was excited about, but I was most thrilled about buying cream of mushroom soup and gravy mixes. I used to use these regularly in my cooking--I love rice and gravy! I haven't had it in many, many months because of my low-sodium diet. Now I am thrilled to enjoy brown rice and gravy to my heart's content! What was really cool about our trip was my honey saying, "Even though it seems like we overspent today because we're so excited to eat normally again, the food will last so much longer because we're only eating when we're hungry". Bingo! I'm so thrilled that we're both so committed to this new life.

I had a bit of fear creep in again about gaining weight because I'm going to be eating foods I may not have had in our home in what seems like forever. However, I told myself again that this is part of the process. I am now learning the tools to eat what I like without overeating. It feels lovely. I'm glad to be learning to listen to my body and eat in a much saner way.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Another Tool for the Kit

I've had a rather interesting eating pattern for the past few days. I've started off doing well with only eating when I was hungry at the beginning of the day. Then, I've ended up eating just because I'm so used to eating at certain times? Was I hungry? No. But I felt I had to eat because it was time.

So, what does this teach me? That I really need to continuously ask myself if I'm hungry and only eat when I am. I'm not frustrated with myself at all--I'm just interested in learning to use each instance of overeating as an opportunity for growth.

I've also felt somewhat emotional today. I started off my day quite well. I read another blogger's site that led me to really question using hypnosis as a healing tool during part of my journey with Intuitive Eating. I was initially really hesitant--it's nothing I've really thought about.

I am doing some deep reflection about some issues going on with my job; there's a chance of something happening that could cause really big changes for me. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up because there's a real chance it won't happen. As I was thinking about this, I ended up overeating. I was anxious, so I ate. I took a walk during my lunch break and that really helped. Then I had a two-hour meeting that had popcorn and chocolate and I ate even though I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry, but I was bored and ready to end my work day, and I ate when not hungry.

I did a lot of reading on the IE forum about using hypnosis. Jennifer Poole, the hypnotherapist who crafted the hypnosis tools that are recommended, was gracious enough to allay some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She also directed me to a wonderful article about hypnosis by the Mayo Clinic.

Still, I felt hesitant. Because I love lists, I explored the pros and cons of trying this method out. I've decided to give it a try. There were a number of reasons I was against it, but I worked through them:

  • I don't want to pay this much for a CD! I looked in our study at all of the diet books and materials I own (I know I need to get rid of them, but I plan to take them to Half-Price Books to get credit for books I'll enjoy!). Also, Kalem spends tons on video games. I won't make us bankrupt by spending this money!
  • I don't know if this will work for me. What's the harm in trying?! In my "previous life", if I had been told I'd lose 100 pounds by doing this, I'd have paid any amount of money. I'm trying to be a healthy, calm, happy Intuitive Eater now. If this helps, I'm willing to try!
  • I'm afraid of the feelings that might be dredged up. Let the feelings come. I've stuffed them down with food too many times. It's time to release the angst within.
  • Kalem fusses when I read in bed. Won't he fuss with this?! I can go to the bedroom early to do this and still be able to talk with my hubby before going to bed. Most of the time he falls asleep so quickly he won't notice anyway. He'll be fine. :).
  • My parents are going to think I'm even more "hippy-dippy". They don't even know I've started IE yet! I'm an adult. Maybe my parents will want to try it one day!

So, I'm doing it! On her website, Ms. Poole suggests that one does the "Clearing Emotional Blocks" meditation for at least a month before beginning the "Intuitive Eating for Weight Release" CD. I have ordered the first CD and am eagerly awaiting its arrival. I've decided to wait to order the second CD to ensure that I give myself as much time as I need with this meditation (I know that I feel most excited about the second CD right now!).

On another note, I've been exercising daily and feel really great about it. I'm reminding myself that it's about how my body feels because of it and it really helps. I love how flexible and alert I feel now that I'm moving my body regularly. I'm going to start implementing weight lifting soon and am looking forward to strengthening my upper body as well! I'm still reading the IE book and making good progress. I also got the CD to listen to at a later date. I'm loving this journey!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Catching Up

It's been a while since I've written, I know. I've been consistently trying to adhere to the principles of IE. Since I began, I've noticed some real changes. I'm really excited about it. I'm still reading the book, incredibly slowly (mostly because I've been reading really good fiction that I just can't put down!). Mostly I read it before I go to bed. I don't carry it out of the house because I'm not comfortable talking about it yet.

Since beginning IE, I've been doing all right at not eating when I'm not hungry. There are a few areas I have a LOT of work to do. I'm doing okay at only starting to eat when I'm hungry. I just can't seem to stop when I no longer am. Boy, am I a member of the Clean Plate Club! It's going to be difficult learning not to be! I either stop eating when there's nothing on my plate or I'm so full I feel sick (or both).

I've been working out regularly and it's been nice. Now that it's sleeveless season, I feel very aware that I need to work on my arms! I have very little upper body strength as compared to my lower and would love to work on that. I think doing so would help strengthen my core which i also feel would help with my upper back pain. In addition, I feel the very strong urge to start running again. I used to a few years ago and loved it! When I got hurt and lazy again, I just couldn't get the gumption to start again. I'd love to have that rush that running gave me again--no other workout has really done that for me again. I never lost any weight from running, but I did tone up quite a bit. I actually planned to run yesterday, but when I got up it was SO hot/humid (and it was only 8). Instead, I went for a walk with the hubby and dogs. I'm glad I did, because when we got home, we found out it was an Air Quality Action day (I don't really know what this means, but when they say it on the news, it means "move as little as possible because it's so hot you'll pass out if you do more than breathe"). By the time we got back into the car, we were covered in sweat and the dogs were half-asleep. It was a nice way to work out. We've talked about running, but we're so lazy! The thoughts of getting up early to run are just too much. I loved running in the winter with the snow crunching under my shoes. Hmm...okay, I've really psyched myself out for it now! I'm going to try to start up soon!

I'm struggling emotionally with something that I read on the IE forum. A very brave member stated that she had gained weight since starting this journey. The book also says that this can happen as well. I am terrified of gaining weight. I am really focused on this journey, but the thought of getting any bigger scares the bejesus out of me. What if I gain a lot? What if I go over 300 pounds? I'm trying my best to be patient, but I know that this will be my biggest struggle--just trusting the process. From the feel of my clothing, I'm at about the same weight now. I'm doing my best to be patient and understanding of my body.

Overall, though, I'm feeling good. I'm so glad that I made this change and look forward to seeing the peace it will give me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Ten Principles

This is the fourth day that I've been eating intuitively. So far, it's been going well, though I haven't stopped to acknowledge my fullness every time. Papa got some bad health news and I completely regressed and proceeded to eat my feelings. Except that this time, I only ate half of my feelings! I was really wowed by one of the comments I read in the book that said that a client said not to feel bad about a binge, but use it as a learning opportunity. After talking to my mom, I knew I'd overeat. I knew I wasn't hungry. I think that the reason that I didn't eat as much as I normally would was because I was more aware of the fact that I wasn't hungry and that I went to lunch with a friend rather than eating alone. I'm okay with eating alone, but not when super-upset. I realize that I can work to feel my feelings.

I am still actively reading the book, but thought I'd share the 10 principles of the concept:

  1. Reject the diet mentality
  2. Honor your hunger
  3. Make peace with food
  4. Challenge the food police
  5. Respect your fullness
  6. Discover the satisfaction factor
  7. Honor your feelings without using food
  8. Respect your body
  9. Exercise--feel the difference
  10. Honor your health

I'm really so excited about all of this. As I haven't read the book in its entirety, I've been advised to do the bare basics for now. I'm eating what I want when I want and stopping when I'm full. It hasn't gone wonderfully yet, but I'm not feeling guilty about it. I'm learning to better listen to my body and hunger signals. I've been working out every day and instead of focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on how good it makes my body feel. I've enjoyed it so far. I'm not a huge fan of exercise but am really trying to remind myself that I feel better after I do (which is true). I'm thinking that maybe if I find the right type of exercise, one that gets me excited and that I can enjoy, it won't feel like such a burden.

So, I'm sure that I won't be writing as frequently until I get through the book entirely. But I'm around!

And Sharon, you totally rock for leaving such a supportive message on my last entry. We'll both find our happy place soon!