"And I realized...this wasn't a way to live. This was a way to die." (28 Days)

Monday, January 26, 2009

Not Ready

I am not ready for today's topic. I am going to try it tomorrow.

I'm getting really anxious about keeping within my calorie range for this month. Since I've gotten out of my funk, I have been eating much better, but I'm just not sure I can catch up in time. I can't fast a full day, so I'm thinking of doing half-fasts Tuesday and Wednesday. That should take care of it.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Today was a good day. At one point, I almost took a bag of chips to the couch with me, but instead, I poured out a serving size and took that plate instead. I felt really proud of myself for that.

Raji hung out here for most of the day. I shouldn't have used it as an excuse, but I felt somewhat weird working out while he was there. So, I'm still quite behind on the workouts. I'm feeling kind of anxious about catching up.

Today's weight loss topic is "Nurturing Power of Food":
Tonight, I had two pieces of Dove dark chocolate (yum). I only ate two and did not return to the fridge for more. I felt really proud of myself for not eating any more!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Learning My Lessons

Today has been a good day. We went out to dinner with some friends and I had a salad and soup! I felt really good about my decision. I have tons of workouts to make up but haven't moved an inch. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. I have to be caught up by Saturday!

Today's weight loss topic is "First Two Bites":
  • Every time I ate, I asked myself if I was satisfied after the two bites. Or, before I even ate, I asked myself if I would be satisfied after two bites. If the answer was yes, then I didn't eat it.
  • This worked for most of the day except for dessert. Still, I shared half of my dessert instead of eating the whole thing! I think that this is an improvement. :).

Friday, January 23, 2009

Messed Up Again

I'll do the topic tomorrow. Ugh.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Behind Again

Blech! I did not work out last night. Kalem, Raji, and I ended up going to dinner and afterwards, I watched TV and cleaned up a bit. So, I'm behind AGAIN! This weekend I am catching up completely. I can't keep letting this happen.

My tummy is upset today. I've eaten two bagels. Jeez.

I'm pushing today's weight loss topic back a day because I love it and don't want to do it so late in the day. Until tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Almost Caught Up

Last night, I was this close to finally being caught up with my workouts but I just couldn't convince myself to do yoga. Why was it so hard to do yoga?! Gah. So, I am completely caught up on cardio (whoo!), and have three yoga sessions to make up. I'm not too worried about taking care of them this weekend. I am really working hard to make sure I consistently log my meals. I'm not sure just how much I've gone over in the past few weeks. I'm sure eating 1500 for the rest of the month should even me out.

I've been thinking about how I will react if I don't lose 5 pounds this month. I am determined to not let it get me down if I don't and to remind myself that it was a really bad month for me and I have to work my butt off next month.

Today's weight loss topic is "Morning affects evening":
Like yesterday, I have no problem with not eating breakfasts. If I could, I would have eggs and grits every morning!
Some of my late-day snacks can be yogurt, popcorn, apples, and granola bars. All are filling and will keep me satisfied until dinner time.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I'm Back!

Hello! After a long interlude, I'm back. I have not been eating well AT ALL. I went through an incredible funk and let everything go--my health, my appearance, my effort in the marriage. Well, after some healing, I am back! The good news is that I am almost completely caught up on my exercise. As for food, I am going to eat 1,600 calories a day (I did not monitor my eating and am sure I went way over) for the rest of the month. I think that I should be fine after that.

During this funk, when I felt really down but was able to force myself to work out, I felt a lot better than the days that I wallowed in my feelings. So, I have learned how much exercise can really affect my mood. I think that by exercising daily, I can better stabilize my mood and hopefully avoid having any more ''bummed-out times''.

Of course, I haven't been doing my weight-loss topics, but I am starting up again. So, here it is.

''Oops, I Forgot to Eat''
I never forget to eat! But, it is important to regularly schedule my meals to make sure that I don't overeat. So here is my schedule for tomorrow:
  • 8:00-breakfast
  • 10:00-tea
  • 12:00-lunch
  • 2:00-snack
  • 4:00-snack
  • 6:00-snake
  • 8:00-dinner
  • 10:00-dessert
  • 8 cups of water

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Today Jen bought chips and queso for the Hotline office and I haven't eaten ONE! Woohoo! I feel fantastic about it! Jen was great and keeps saying how bad that they taste. :). I used that trick from the "Magic Notebook" day and reminded myself that I'd had them two weeks ago and I could hold until my birthday. It's only a couple of months away (!) and the chips are way salty and I'm making homemade chili tonight. So, I'll be fine!

I am super proud of myself!


Last night was hard. I am taking a class about health and I felt like everyone was looking at me when the teacher was talking about obesity. It may not be true, but I felt so embarrassed by my size. How did I let myself get this way?

I was seriously thinking about gastric bypass on the bus ride home. Kalem talked me down and reminded me that I would be so much prouder of myself if I were to do it myself, with no surgery. And I know that I can. I must. I am healthy now but I don't want to take that for granted. That could change any moment.

Today's weight loss topic is "Two purposes of food":
I know that having planned "fuel stops" helps with avoiding overeating. So far today, I have had two pieces of toast. They served as both fuel and flavor appreciation (I really love multi grain bread!). I can avoid overeating by remembering that food is mostly for fuel. I can be more proactive about not overeating by planning every fuel stop of the day.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Today's weight loss topic is "Appreciate good support":
  • This morning I asked Kalem to compliment my outfit (I really like this outfit!). He did and I said, "Thank you, I really needed to hear that today!".
  • When others compliment me, instead of brushing it off, I can be honest about how good that makes me feel.

Today, I have completed 10 days of weight loss! I feel great about the commitment I've made! I can't wait to continue this journey and see real results!


Last night and today, I haven't been honest with others regarding how much weight I've lost. I want it to be more than it is--something impressive. But, I know that I need to be patient and remember that I didn't gain it overnight and that it will take some time to have big results.

Today's weight loss topic is "Here's What I Want":
1. If you see me eating something that’s not on my diet plan, ask me if I’ve had a bad day and give me a hug.
2. When I’m making progress, such as losing weight, compliment me on how I look but never comment on my progress in front of others.
3. When I’m struggling or gaining weight, tell me you notice and really care about my struggle, hug me and show me extra affection; also, ask me how you can help.
4. When I’m making progress you can’t see (such as improving my self-esteem), ask me how my efforts are going.
5. When I’ve maintained my weight (even though I may still want to lose more), tell me you are proud of my current efforts and compliment me on my looks and my efforts.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Oh my goodness. I ate my weight in food yesterday. Don't believe me? Well, to prove my point, for dinner, I had a pizza. Not pieces, but a whole, thin-crust, spinach pizza. And dessert? A pint of Ben and Jerry's. Oh my freaking goodness.

I'm so mad at myself. But, I won't lie, it tasted really, really, really good.

As punishment, though, my stomach has rebelled against me. I feel absolutely awful. This should serve as a lesson: don't eat crap or you'll feel like crap! Ugh, I am so sick.

Today, I'm eating mostly fruits and veggies in order to give my belly a break and work toward evening out my calories.

Oh, I lost a pound! I still haven't decided how the weighing will go, but I am 1/5 of the way toward my month's goal. Whoo!

I think that I will do my weigh-ins biweekly. Or, just on the weeks that I even out. I'm not sure. If I have to spend a whole month getting back on track, though, maybe I should only weigh once a month. I'm not sure.

I have this great daydream of weighing once a month and the scale saying I've lost 10 pounds! Wouldn't that be fantastic?! But, if it only says two, maybe it would be good to know what my progress is earlier in order to step things up. I don't want to wait a whole month to find out I've plateaued.

Maybe, just for this month, I won't weigh again until the 1st. After that, we'll see.

Today's weight loss topic is: "Help me, please":
  • I am always happy to get compliments that I look more toned or healthier and that I seem to have more energy now that I'm losing weight. I also appreciate clearing the table right after one serving.
  • I do not appreciate someone saying "do you really want to eat that?". While it works, it makes me really resentful toward the person who said it. I really HATE weight loss tips when I don't ask for them, too.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


I ate SO much yesterday. I am so disappointed in myself. BUT I will come back from this! Next week I'll make up for it!

I don't feel my best. I don't think I'm sick, but I'm really tired and cold. I have no energy.

I just feel blah today.

Today's weight loss topic is "I can do it!":
  • I can do it because I have put my heart and soul into this process.
  • I can do it because I have a healthy woman bursting to get through.
  • I can do it because I believe in myself.
  • I can do it because I am worth it.

Using these words of encouragement helps me through the hard times, like when I want to overeat and/or not exercise. Like today. :(

Friday, January 9, 2009

Change of Plans

I have been bad. Catastrophically bad. There is no way that I can recover this week within my calorie range. So, there's been a change of plans. I don't know if this is permanent, but for now, I will use next week to even out. Hopefully I can still lose some weight!

I'm disappointed in myself but will not let this make me start over (even though that's what I'm tempted to do!). I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Today's topic is "Protect Your Program":

  • Three high-risk times for overeating for me are when I'm in the Hotline office, on Friday nights, and when I am out with the Brigade.
  • I can protect my program by saying "Not just yet. I'm going to wait a little while."
  • I haven't protected my program yet, but I will use this technique from now on.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Today I am really aware of how overeating really affects the way I feel physically. This week, my digestion has been pretty good. Today, because I ate fatty fast food, I feel terrible! Awful gas! I think it's important to keep this consequence of overeating in mind as I go through this lifestyle change.

Today's daily topic is "Magic Notebook":
I like the idea of writing down what I am craving instead of eating it, but I'm not sure how it will work for me. I wonder if writing it will just make me want it even more. But, I am willing to try anything!

Almost daily, I crave Qdoba (I don't know if it's because I've been eating so much salt lately) and brownies. I had Qdoba for lunch today. The next time I crave it, I will remind myself that I recently had it and encourage myself to put it off for another week (and another week and another...). The next time I eat it, I will have chips and salsa and half of a brownie. This is not a filling meal and perhaps reminding myself of this will lead me to not eat it after all.

Kalem picked me up for lunch today and we ended up going to Qdoba. I love Kalem with all of my heart, but I know that I am really going to have to work extremely hard to keep him from enabling me and keep myself on track. I overate today (I'm over calories for the week) and will now have to really limit my intake for Saturday and Sunday. This is a valuable lesson to me: I have to be dilligent at all times with every one!

I've spent some time reading Calorie Queens. One of the exercises was to learn how many calories I've been eating to keep up my current weight of 268. As 12 calories are necessary per pound:

270x12= 3240

Holy freaking crap. Over 3,000 calories a day?! Unbelievable. So, given what I want to weigh (150x12=1800), I am eating 1440 calories more than I should be per day. Wow. Holy smokes. It really puts it into perspective.

I can't help but wonder where those calories are coming from. Sugar? Oils? Qdoba? :). I am so glad that I'm making this change now instead of when I'm unhealthy and sick. I am so focused on keeping up with my healthy behaviors now.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Setting Boundaries

Today's weight-loss topic is "Boundaries, not diets":

Narrow road

  • 1,800 calories/day
  • Staying within calories per day
  • Run 5 days/week
  • Yoga 2 days/week
  • No sugar
  • No salt
  • No meat
  • No fast food
  • No eating out
  • Only serving sizes

Wide road

  • Calories according to weight
  • Staying within calories per week
  • Cardio exercise 5 days/week
  • Strength-training exercise 2 days/week
  • Use serving sizes as a guide
  • Limited sugar
  • Limited salt
  • Limited meat
  • Limited eating out
  • Limited fast food

I can be flexible by following the wider road while trying to lose weight.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Just Say No

Today's weight loss topic is "Do It Anyway":

  • I didn't want to take the stairs today, but I did it anyway.
  • It felt really good to accomplish something physical, even though I didn't want to!
  • I am committed to taking the stairs, working out, and not eating fast food, even if I do not want to at the moment.

Today's been really good--I haven't overeaten and I'm almost done with my water.

I've been thinking a little more about weighing-in. I'm not sure if I want to do it monthly, because I monitor my calories/water/exercise on a weekly basis. Would that throw things off? On the other hand, I don't weigh myself the week before my period (as the bloat begins!) or the week after it ends (because of residual bloat!). So, I really would only weigh myself twice a month anyway! However, I wonder if I'll find more motivation in knowing just how many more pounds I need to lose to make my month's goal. Hmm. I'm not sure yet.

I am trying to lose 60 pounds this year. This will get me halfway to my goal. To accomplish that, I will have to lose 5 pounds a month. I can do that! It seems so easy when it's put that way!

Monday, January 5, 2009


Today's weight loss topic is "Interested or Committed?":

  • I am committed to losing my weight-loss plan no matter what!
  • I will stick to my program no matter what by taking it one day at a time, focusing of smaller weight-loss goals instead of the overall one, and believing in myself.
  • To show that I am truly committed, I have only eaten healthy foods today!

In relation to focusing only on small goals, I am prepared to focus on only 5 pounds at a time. Here's to weighing 265!

Because I am living in a "maintenance mode" as a 150-pound woman from now on, I'm beginning to think about not weighing myself as often. Perhaps I will only weigh and measure myself once a month? It would feel really nice to not be so attached to the scale. I'm excited about the prospect. I'll make a decision by Sunday (which would be my normal weigh-in day).

I haven't been the best eater today. I went a little overboard with flax seed chips and pretzels. Okay, so it's not Qdoba. But I'm a little worried about staying within my calorie limit today! I'll have to be careful for the rest of the day.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Last Straw

In the last few...err...months I haven't done jack squat. I wish that I had reasons, but they are all just excuses. I stopped running, walking, or doing much of anything. I just feel crappy about my health.

The last straw was three weeks ago. I was weighed at the doctor's office and weigh 270 pounds. I can remember when I hit 200 and thought my life was over. 250 and I was devastated. 260 and I knew it would be easier to gain 20 pounds and get gastric bypass than lose the weight I needed. 268 and I HAVE HAD IT. No more. I HAVE TO MAKE A CHANGE.

I decided to wait until the new year because I didn't want to set myself up for failure. Now, I'm ready.

So, I have made a resolution to get healthy NOW. It's been far too long and I am sick of making excuses.

For the next 100 days, I'm going to be reading a book called "100 Days of Weight Loss". It will take me through exercises to help me work through my struggles with weight loss. I'm really determined and am sure that I will succeed.

I am currently 270 pounds. My goal is to weigh 150 pounds. This puts me in the "normal" category according to my BMI (well, it's a little bit below, but I thought it was a good, round number). It also gives me some wiggle room as I age--hopefully I never pass 175 in my life again! I will be weighing in every Sunday. If I lose 2 pounds a week, I should reach 150 by February 28, 2010. If I lose 1 pound a week, I should reach 150 by April 24, 2011. I don't really plan on it happening, but I would loved to lose the weight by March 10, 2010. That way, I would hit my goal weight when I'm 25 (ha!). But it's okay if I don't make it--I won't let it get me down. It feels like a really long time, but I am committed to it. Also, I'm using http://www.thedailyplate.com/ to monitor my intake. It's a really cool website and I think it will be helpful!

Well, one of the first exercises in the book are to write down a few reasons for losing the weight. I had to go all out (of course) and I have given a reason for every pound I want to lose. So, here are my 120 reasons for losing weight.

My Reasons for Losing Weight!
1. To sweat less
2. To have healthier nails
3. To have healthier hair
4. To have better skin
5. To fit in amusement park ride seats
6. To fit in bus seats more easily
7. To fit in desks more easily
8. To fit in airplane seats more easily
9. To be able to take leisurely walks without getting winded
10. To develop a healthy addiction
11. To set (and reach) new goals
12. To not have to make the same New Year’s resolution every year (and fail)
13. To have a more successful career
14. To be able to participate in sports
15. To explore new places
16. To smell better
17. To help others
18. To encourage others
19. To be able to participate in Race for the Cure and other events
20. To stop spending money on weight loss resources
21. To be able to indulge without feeling guilty
22. To have a better selection of clothes to choose from
23. To save money on food
24. To save money on clothes
25. To buy a new wardrobe
26. To learn to enjoy healthy, nutritious foods
27. To control my eating
28. To control my snacking
29. To control my emotional eating
30. To not embarrass myself when eating at social functions
31. To look better
32. To look younger
33. To feel sexier
34. To have better sex
35. To not have a double chin
36. To have thighs that don’t touch
37. To be able to wear a bikini
38. To have a flat stomach
39. To look great at my high school reunion
40. To look wonderful in my second wedding dress
41. To get smaller than my high school weight
42. To be able to fit into a size 12 (or smaller!)
43. To avoid health-related surgeries
44. To avoid weight-related surgeries
45. To find more positive outlets for emotions
46. To learn patience
47. To have a chance for "me time"
48. To actually get called "thin"
49. To not be controlled by my weight
50. To prove to myself I have self-control
51. To teach myself discipline
52. To have something that is done for myself by choice rather than requirement
53. To increase brainpower
54. To improve my performance
55. To be able to play with my nieces and nephews
56. To not end up like my father
57. To prevent depression
58. To feel more comfortable taking pictures
59. To be happy when I look in the mirror
60. To not feel guilty when I weigh myself
61. To improve my body image
62. To feel more comfortable in my skin
63. To feel better about myself
64. To be less stressed
65. To sleep more soundly
66. To be healthier
67. To improve my immune system
68. To have more energy
69. To have a waist
70. To be more flexible
71. To have more stamina
72. To have better endurance
73. To improve mobility
74. To be stronger
75. To have a healthy lifestyle
76. To prevent knee problems
77. To prevent back problems
78. To have better control over IBS
79. To not be a part of the obesity epidemic
80. To prevent sleep apnea
81. To prevent hypertension
82. To prevent high cholesterol
83. To prevent osteoarthritis
84. To prevent stroke
85. To prevent heart attacks
86. To prevent heart disease
87. To prevent cancers
88. To prevent diabetes
89. Because it’s TIME. NO MORE EXCUSES.
90. To actually follow through with something
91. To show my loved ones how grateful I am for their support
92. To make my loved ones proud
93. To be proud of myself for making such a large accomplishment
94. To improve my quality of life
95. To live longer
96. To have healthier joints
97. To be able to enjoy exercise
98. To be able to take dance classes
99. To not be embarrassed by my size
100. To not have rolls
101. To not always feel like I need to lose weight
102. To not have people cringe when I sit next to them on the bus
103. To be able to cross my legs
104. To prevent anxiety
105. To be able to take the stairs without getting winded
106. For all of the reasons I have yet to realize, but am sure to soon come to appreciate
107. To get called "thin" at least once in my life
108. To not get snide remarks about my weight from others
109. To be able to see my toes
110. To not get "fat girl" looks when I'm eating junk food
111. To put less stress on the environment
112. To get hit on again
113. To be able to wear backless dresses (if I decide to!)
114. To look good in photos
115. To not get asked if I'm pregnant when I'm not
116. To not get the "weight loss talk" when I go to the doctor
117. To not dread stepping on the scale
118. To stop dieting FOR GOOD
119. To have great legs again
120. To be able to go sleeveless comfortably

I'm trying something new--there is a method called "Eucalorics", where one eats at the weight they want to be. So, I will be in effect skipping the weight loss process and going straight to maintenance! I will be eating as a 150-pound woman eats (1,800 calories/day). I feel really good about this. I know that I can make it this time.

The first day's topic is "I Used to Be That Way":

  • I fear that I will fall off of the wagon and never lose the weight I want to.
  • When on diets before, I let myself get discouraged when I overate or didn't exercise one day.

I used to be that way, but now I'm different.

  • I used to take the elevator at work, but now I take the stairs.
  • I used to let my emotions influence my diet, but now I deal with my feelings in healthy, active ways.
  • I used to dread having to exercise every day, but now I look forward to my workout time as a time to improve my life.
  • I used to spend money on fast food, but now I don't eat fast food anymore.
  • I used to eat every free food put in front of me, but now I think about what goes into my mouth, regardless of the price.
  • I used to eat whatever I like, but now I watch my intake.
  • I used to get easily discouraged, but now I keep pressing on.
  • I used to eat like an obese person, but now I eat like a fit, healthy woman.

I went for a run today at Frick Park. It was so hard! I really thought my chest would explode at one point. I have never run hills before and they kicked my butt. I feel proud of myself for doing it, though. I think that for now, I'm going to train for the Race for the Cure in May. I cannot do a marathon--I need to be honest about it. I may be able to do a half-marathon, but not right now--the Pittsburgh Marathon may be killer due to the hills. So, I'm going to try to do a 5K first. That seems so much more reasonable! I think that it will be a real challenge, too--learning to continuously run on hills. I'm excited!

I'm really serious about losing the weight now. I'm so excited to be beginning this journey!