Poor Poor Pitiful Fat Girl

Be aware, this is a rant-filled entry! Also, I'll use the word fat, but it's not in a derogatory way. And trust me, I'm including myself in this group!

Last night, "More to Love" premiered on Fox. It's touted as a dating show for the "rest of us". I knew I would hate this show. I was prepared to hate it. So, when it came on, I sat down and prepared to be mad.

And boy, was I.

I live to make lists, so here are my rants about the show:

• The dude. The bachelor is a bigger guy--he's 6'3" and over 300 pounds. I think that people find love in all shapes and sizes. WHY can't these ladies find love with the type of guys seen on other dating shows? Can big girls not get guys with hot abs?!
• The weights. Some of these gals are flipping gorgeous. They all were wearing gorgeous dresses and looked lovely. But any time one of the women is speaking to the camera, her weight is shown on the screen! What in the world?! You don't see that on other dating shows!
• The obvious sadness. A number of these women were shown crying over how their weight has affected their not finding love. Um, what? I'm a fat woman who found love. If there are guys or ladies not giving these women attention because of their size, they're not right for them anyway! I'm not going to pretend that my size didn't affect who I dated when I was younger. We all have types. Let's not deny that. I just hate that they have to capitalize on these ladies' pain. We know that thinner people get more attention. Does there have to be a dating show to remind us?
• The host. Why does she have to be a bigger woman, too?! Are skinny people afraid to come anywhere near this show?!
• PROM. At the end of the show, we were told there was going to be a prom episode. You've got to be kidding me. Fat girls go to prom. Fat girls have sex. Fat girls look fabulous in prom gowns. It's insulting to insinuate that each woman needs to have a "real" prom...which isn't all that real when all of them have the same date! I'm not going to continue to compare my life to this, but I went to prom. I had a date for every fancy event in HS but one and that was by choice. I had lovers. I rock a pair of high heels. Don't give me that.
• Worthiness. These women are worthy of love. A dating show is never someone's last chance. My heart ached for these women. But I was also upset by even more perpetuating of societal messages that people over a certain weight do not derserve love and affection and friendship. I'm wondering what we're supposed to feel as we watch this.

There was something good about the show that I really liked. One of the women said that she takes care of her body but just doesn't happen to be a size 4. Word! I think that as long as one is really working hard at being healthy--eating well and exercising, who cares if she's not a skinny minny?! Why should we buy into society's image of beauty? Down with sizism! I'm actually starting to question why I'm so intent on getting to a certain weight. Shouldn't my focus be health more than anything? What does everyone think? How different would people feel about themselves if they ate what they were supposed to and exercised daily without being slaves to the scales? Would we love ourselves more? Would we stop caring so much what society thinks? More to the point, would I be more willing to wear a bathing suit?

So, long story short, this show is a bunch of crap. I don't know if I'll watch it again, because it makes me SO MAD. But it's definitely got me thinking.

Some other sites I've come across that have something to say about this ridiculous show:

http://www.feministing.com/archives/016946.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-07-27/really-big-love/full/

http://shrinkingsharon.blogspot.com/2009/07/fat-bachelor.html

Food is Not My Friend

I'm sad. My dad's having health problems and the DH and I are on the outs. I want someone to talk to, but who do I turn to when I feel like my best friend can't listen to me? I want to just crawl under my blankets with a dozen cookies.

I'm telling myself that I DON'T need to do that. The hubs and I will probably be fine by the end of the night--we just haven't had enough time today to hash things out. My dad's test results don't come back until Monday, so I don't need to eat like a crazy person worrying about something that might not even be a problem. He's going to be fine! I have great friends who will answer my phone call and listen to me gripe and get me back to feeling good. I have a fantastic weight loss coach (the bestest mommy in the world) who will talk me down from the ledge if I just call her up. I don't need to eat my feelings.

Anyway, as a way to get past it, I'm writing on another ezine article by Linda Spangle titled "Food as Comfort" (how fitting!). Food has served as comfort in a number of ways during my life. Food has consoled me during times of hurting and sadness. It has dulled my senses when I've felt that the emotions were too much to bear. It has been my date on Friday nights (even when I had a great boyfriend). It's been a prize for a good job. It's been my friend. One of my best friends.

Sometimes I feel afraid that once I really get past eating emotionally, I'll have to start feeling everything. I tell my clients to, instead of trying to stuff it down with food or sex or drugs/alcohol or anything else, to just feel it. Once it's felt, you can learn what to do about it. I'm learning how to do that myself.

Right now, I'm eating a homemade trail mix with dried cranberries, soy nuts, and almonds. I think it's a good step away from Oreos.

Getting Myself Back

When I first started my job, I dressed to kill. Three-inch heels, skirts, makeup. I was so cute.

I've been here a little over two years and now it's not so much the case. Even though I've only (only?!) gained about 20-25 pounds since then, I'm just not as cute. I still dress up, but I haven't worn makeup on a day that wasn't my anniversary for years. I don't wear heels. I only wear skirts if I bothered to lotion that morning and the skirt doesn't cut of my stomach circulation.

I'm still one of the most-dressed up here (we're a fairly casual place), but I rarely feel like putting in the effort. I think that this stems from a number of things:

• No one else dresses up.
• Heels hurt my feet.
• It's often too flipping humid to wear makeup
• I wake up too late to dress nicely

I could spin this, of course:

• I'm more comfortable with myself.
• Have you seen/worn ballet flats?! Why wear anything else?
• I didn't wear makeup before I started this job, so why wear it now?
• I work and go to school and have a weekly internship. I need to be comfortable.
• So I look like a shlub now. You should see me in the winter. I'm super cute then because I can layer!

Of course, a lot of it comes down to one fact:

I don't care enough.

Every few months, I'll step it up and put on my favorite patent leather pumps (they're completely adorable) and a dress. I feel pretty when I do and tell myself it's time to stop letting myself go. Now that I've stopped letting myself go food- and exercise-wise, I am starting to wonder if I should do more in the way of my appearance. I wonder if I'd feel better about how I look right now. I know for sure that my skin is getting better, which is great, because my acne was terrible! I didn't have skin like this in high school!

Back In the Game!

Well, after a binge and crappy weigh-in, I'm back to being "good". I hate thinking of it that way, because it's not like I committed some huge atrocity or anything. I mean, I ate Mexican food (plus more)! Nevertheless, I'm back to eating healthy foods that make me feel good emotionally and physically.

Yesterday and today I did a Leslie Sansone walking DVD rather than Turbo Jam because my left leg's been bothering me since I did the Turbo Jam Lower Body workout. I wasn't willing to give up a day of working out and walking has been gentler and kinder to my body. I hope that I can get back to it soon, but I'm not going to try to push it. In addition, I started the Beck Diet Solution workout yesterday and I already really like it. I'm excited to have a better grasp on what leads me to overeat and what I can do to get healthy.

Today I mentioned to a friend that I had gained weight and she was really supportive. This is definitely one of my girlfriends that I (used to) put away more food than I meant to every time we're together. She mentioned that I may mess up, but I won't "stay" messed up because I know how much I want to be thin. I've been thinking about that all day. I don't feel that I'm really doing all of this to be thin. But, it's definitely a big part of this. I mean, of course I want to be healthy. I don't want to end up like my father. I will not. Still, I have to be honest and say that I want to be thin. Screw it, I'll say it again!

I WANT TO BE THIN!

I want to wear cute clothes, see my toes, be fabulously hot. I want to be proud of my body. I wonder if that will be my main motivation when I get frustrated and that once I get there I'll realize how important my improving health is to me as well. Or will it be the opposite?

Regardless of what keeps me going, I'm going!

I am having some confusion, though, as to whether I'm doing the right thing with my plan. Should I eat at the sodium level I plan to end up at (1500 mg) or should I taper down? I am doing okay with 1500 mg but am worried about the fact that I will plateau again. What do I do then? I know that I can increase my exercise but I want to be able to do something food-wise, too. I mean, I have a lot of weight to lose. What is everyone else doing?

I also want to thank everyone for all of their support. This has helped me stay focused and I know I'll make my goal one day!

Re-Motivated

As you know from my last entry, I had a crazy time on Friday night that involved lots of Mexican food and ice cream. I was upset with myself, but told myself not to let it get to me and to keep pushing forward. I was really proud of myself for staying resolved.

Yesterday, I did well for most of the day. I worked out and ate well. However, we had company last night and had a really fun game night...that included pizza, cookies, and Cheetos. I didn't eat a crazy amount of food, but definitely more than I should have. All in all, it was a really fun night with really great company.

Sigh...well, I weighed in this morning and gained two pounds. Back to my favorite 262! But I did lose .75 more inches off of my body! I'm not even that frustrated by my weigh-in, since I did overeat the last two days before my weigh-in.

Now, I'm even more motivated to get back on track! I'm trying something new--working out daily (rather than doing all of my hours mostly on the weekend because of my busy schedule) and lowering the amount of sodium I consume (to 1500 mg rather than 2300). Also, I purchased the Beck Diet Solution Workbook and started it today. I have a lot of faith in Cognitive Therapy (as well as CBT), so I really have hope that this will work for me. It's full of list-making, so I'm really pleased about that, too.

So, I don't have awesome news, but I'm not sweating it. I have learned valuable lessons--don't eat out without first checking the nutrition facts and make sure to have healthy snacks available in social situations. I'm ready for a new week and a new opportunity to improve my health.

On another great note, yesterday DH told me he thought we should start working out together. I told him it was a great idea(!). I'm not going to push it and just wait and see if he mentions it again. I'm a bit miffed with him (not really, but I was for a minute this morning!) because he weighed himself and had lost six pounds with no effort whatsoever. Ugh. Boys stink. :). Just kidding--I'm only jealous!

running

Binge

Oh, crap.

Crap crap crap.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

My parents are extremely spiritual, so out of respect for them and on the off-off-off chance that they'll read my blog one day, I don' t swear on my blog. But trust me, I said some pretty bad words before I wrote this.

I had a great day, diet-wise today. I even picked up a new workout DVD from the library (Turbo Jam Lower Body workout--SO excited!). After work, Kalem and I decided to go out to dinner to mellow out after a long, stressful workweek. We went to Don Pablo's and I quickly LOST MY HEAD. I ate everything in sight. I had chips and queso/salsa/guacamole/sour cream and then a cheese enchilada, beef taco, a flauta, refried beans, and rice. It was pretty darn good, too. But I could feel the overload of calories, fat, and sodium. I couldn't stop myself! Well, I could have, but I didn't. I was so mad at myself.

After dinner, I said, "Well, screw it, I already messed up. Might as well go all out for the night." I've had a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream and a chicken quesadilla. Ugh. I'm so mad at myself.

I know that I won't let this affect me tomorrow, but I'm so frustrated. My weigh-in will be disastrous. I feel like I'll never get to my weight goal. :(.

I'm going to try to do an extra workout tomorrow and do some reflection about what leads me to go crazy like this. I'm so eager to be much more strict on myself in order to lose weight faster, but I'm trying my best to be patient.

I'd love anyone's tips on how they avoid having crazy eating binges when they're feeling happy/sad/tired/alive/stressed/blah blah blah. I need all of the help I can get.

Now is the Time

My biological father and I do not have a good relationship. Well, to be honest, we don't have one at all--he and my mother divorced when I was eight and I haven't spoken to him in 15 years. I haven't considered him my "dad" for for 17. I have been fortunate enough to have a wonderful stepdad who is everything a dad could be. I absolutely adore him.

My father has been ill for a long time. He's something like a poster child for what can happen to you if you're overweight--diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, heart problems. I won't go into details, but today my sister called and told me about how his health problems have really progressed and what the prognosis is.

This isn't the forum for me to talk about my feelings about my father. I'll probably do some writing about it on my daily-life blog, but this one is dedicated solely to my weight loss efforts. In light of that, after talking to my sister, in addition to my angst, I was immediately grateful that I have made the decision to get healthy. A big part of my deciding to lose all of this weight stemmed from the fact that I don't want to end up like my father. I'm extremely fortunate to not have any health problems, but I'm not going to test fate by staying at this size to find out if I continue to not have any. I am glad that I have this that I have the opportunity to better my life, body, and health before it's too late. Now is the time to become the person I want to be.

Today at dinner I reluctantly broached the subject of exercising together with the hubs. I worry about his health as much as mine sometimes. I know that I have no right to tell him how to take care of his body, but I love him too much to not have said anything. I'm not going to bring it up again for a while. I have a lot of weight to lose, so I'm in no shape (literally!) to try to tell him to get healthier. But, I hope he comes to the conclusion himself soon. I love my Bear!

Impatience

I spend far too much time reading others' weight loss blogs lately. I really enjoy it, though--it gives me a chance to recognize that I'm not the only one trying to change for the better and having a heck of a time doing it. This morning, I read a great entry that described exactly how I am feeling today.

I feel incredible about having lost 10 pounds. I feel super sassy and really proud of my hard work. A few people have noticed a change, too.

But I'm still obese. I'll be obese (BMI-wise) for the next 58 pounds. I was in the Hotline office this morning talking about weight with some extremely thin women and felt like the literal elephant in the room. I know how hard I work. My loved ones know how hard I work. When will it be obvious to those who I don't tell?

I have been overweight for at least 15 years of my 25-year life. I want to be thin and I want it NOW! It has taken me 11 weeks to lose 10 pounds; if I keep this pace, I'll be done in November 2011. Wow, that's a long time. I'm hoping my metabolism picks up soon, but I know it might not. I'm trying to mean what I say, that I'm okay with that. It took longer than 2.5 years to get to this size. Sigh. Still, it's difficult.

I'm keeping positive, though. I feel so much better. My body's slimming. I have more energy. I feel better about myself, my health, my body. There are good things happening with me. I just have to be patient until my body catches up.

Third Milestone Down!

I don't really like blogging on the weekends, because I like to spend that time off of the Internet and with my darling hubby. I blog a lot during the week because my job and internship afford me the time to. Even though I didn't blog this weekend, I had a great one weight-wise, because I reached my third milestone! I now weigh 260 pounds! Woohoo! I feel great! I am three milestones down with seventeen to go:

• Begin weight loss journey (270 pounds)--4/27/2009
• Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds)--6/5/2009
• Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)--7/19/2009
• Lose twenty pounds (250 pounds)
• Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
• Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
• Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
• Lose forty pounds (230 pounds)
• Lose fifty pounds (220 pounds)
• Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
• Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
• Lose seventy pounds (200 pounds)
• Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
• Lose eighty pounds (190 pounds)
• Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
• Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)Lose one hundred pounds (170 pounds
• Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
• Lose one hundred and ten pounds (160 pounds)
• Meet final goal (150 pounds)

I feel so great!

I had a really great weekend. We didn't do much, which was great. Other than working out and grocery shopping, I read and watched movies. It was lovely. I bought couscous for the first time, so I'm excited to try that soon, too.

I bought a new scale this weekend. I find it really funny that I was so excited about something I swear at on an almost-weekly basis. It's super-fancy, though--it measures body fat, body hydration, BMI, and bone mass. I really was most interested in the body fat. I have 50% body fat. I find that incredibly crazy. I have a lot of working out and muscle-building to do!

Spirituality and Weight Loss

My MSW internship is at a drug and alcohol rehab and I am often reminded of how the compulsion to overeat is so like the urge to use substances. Tonight we had a group discussion about spirituality and how it plays into recovery. So, I thought I'd work through my own thoughts on how I feel spirituality plays into weight loss.

I'm not a religious person. I grew up in a very spiritual/religious home and at one point as a teenager I came to the conclusion that my parents' faith is not my home. I am extremely respectful of the amount of faith that my parents have; they are great, tolerant people and I know that their spirituality plays into that. I just don't truck with a lot of what their religion stands for. At that time I was highly cynical of religion and all of those that espouse it. I now know that there is a big difference between spirituality and religion. I think it's possible to be spiritual while not religious and vice versa.

Today in group, one client talked about the void they had in their life and that they filled it with drugs. When they got sober, the hole was still there. What could they fill it with?

I feel that I have lived the same way. I filled my ache for worth with food. I had such bad self-esteem as a kid. In college, I asserted my worth with my sexuality with sad results--it only led to more self-hate for allowing myself to be used by guys I knew didn't care about me. Fortunately, that didn't last long because I met my husband soon after beginning college and I was able to be a part of a loving, respectful relationship. Still, that didn't completely fill the void. I had love, companionship, so much to be happy for, but I still did not feel whole. So, I ate. And ate. And ate! At one point, I think I did become happy with where I was in life, but I still ate. And here I am. Now that I'm trying to live a healthier, fuller life, I'm afraid of that void taking over my psyche once more.

People find spirituality in different places. A lot of people talked about finding spirituality when communing with nature in some way or spending time with loved ones. When I used to run, my runs were spiritual--I lived to commune with nature and my body. Being intimate with my husband is a spiritual experience. I choose to embrace all that is going on in my environment and gathering strength from it, whether it is the love of my loved ones, a quiet walk along the river, time to reflect on the goodness in my life. I do feel that there is a Higher Power, but I don't know just what that is for me. For now, the beauty of life is what I hope will fill that void that will likely come as I learn not to rely on the comfort of food.

(I know that there is Overeaters Anonymous. I've thought a lot about becoming a part, but am not sure if OA is for me. I'm interested in attending a meeting to see if it's for me, but not at this point.)

Sugar Sugar

I've started worrying if I'm not eating too much sugar in my diet. When I started this low-sodium lifestyle, I didn't even think that that could be a problem. But most of my desserts are super-sugary now (though pretty low-cal). I really eat a lot of fat-free whipped cream (my ice cream). Today I was really enjoying a snack of Craisins. They have 0 mg of sodium, but are sweetened dried cranberries. If I'd known sugar was added, I wouldn't have bought them. Hopefully I can find plain dried cranberries, because they're so great. I'm worried that this will affect my weight loss progress. Right now, though, I'm just going to focus on sodium. If the scale continues to stay in the same place, I'll reevaluate my plan.

Meeting My Needs

Another entry written while in class!

I wrote this entry based on another ezine article by Linda Spangle: I need a LOT! (Emotional Eating):

Instead of crappy food, I know what I need:

1. Quality time with my husband
2. Money for a new furnace
3. More money in our savings account
4. A new job
5. To see my parents
6. A close friend in Pittsburgh (though I'm not sure about that--I have a great group of friends here and have barely enough time to see them every few weeks!)
7. A vacation
8. Rest!

It boils down to the fact that I feel really stressed--this school/work/internship schedule is really running me ragged. I know that it's worth it, but I really miss having evenings to myself (or with Kalem). I would really love to have a vacation soon. Fortunately, tonight was my last class of the summer semester, so I have one week night with Kalem until September.

Writing this list has really helped me realize how food "takes care" of me. I have adopted the policy of asking myself what's eating me when I find myself overeating. I can't cure my emotional eating today, but knowing what they are is a big start.

I feel like I look good today! I can see the beginnings of a waist. The cleanse is gross and I hate it. I HATE taking pills, so I don't know what I was thinking adding a million more to my day! Still, I'm sure it will help jumpstart my weight loss. I'm desperate to reach that first ten pounds!

Last night I did Turbo Jam and it was fantastic! I hadn't done it for a while because I was trying to mix things up, but when I put the DVD in, I felt like I was back home. I did Ab Jam and Turbo Sculpt--man, were my abs screaming! I did the "Burn" and 20-minute workouts tonight. I'd forgotten how fun working out can be. I have to work really hard to make sure I keep enjoying working out, because I won't keep doing it if I dread it.

Our new veggie for the month was rutabaga, so last night I mashed one with butter, light salt, and herbs and served it with a tangy herb-crusted steak (another new recipe). Sadly, neither dishes were successful. I really think rutabagas would be better as part of a sweet dish rather than a savory given their base flavor. I think I'll try it again one day. I believe that next month's veggie will be asparagus. I've eaten it before, of course, but have never prepared it fresh before. How sad is it that I'm this old and have never cooked it fresh before? This new lifestyle is so remarkable; daily I'm discovering new healthy flavors and great ways to take care of my body.

I've actually been fairly low on sodium this week. I think that this is coming from my planning high-fiber, low-sodium, grain-filled meals. I've reintroduced quinoa back into my diet. A gal can't eat brown rice every day! So, I've been getting home with tons of sodium left to eat if I choose. And I choose, even if I'm not hungry! Why is that?! Last night I literally said that I'd worked so hard that I was proud of myself and should get to eat until I reached my limit. The day before I said that there would be days I'd be mad I couldn't eat more, so I should enjoy it now. I think that it goes back to my big-girl behavior--always eating because there's a chance I won't get to later. I can't say how many times I've had a sandwich before I went out to eat with others. It's going to take a lot of work to get out of that habit, I'm sure. I'm so ready for the challenge.

Taking Some Time Out For Me

Last night while at my internship, I wrote this entry based on another ezine article from Linda Spangle titled "Day after day after day" (and how!):

The actual article was about keeping up with my program. One really great thing she said was "real life doesn't change just because you went on a diet". This is so, so true. I can't get flustered because someone graciously brought unhealthy treats to work. They're being nice! I just have to not let it get to me! If and when I do make a mistake, I don't need to beat myself up for it.

To stay on track, I can remember why I'm losing weight. When I first started this, I made a "little red book" of my reasons for doing so. I've been carrying it around but have looked through it maybe two times since I created it. I need to put it to better use! I keep meaning to "name" each reason, like "I lost Pound 1 in order to have healthier skin", etc. (This is true, BTW--now that I drink so much water, my acne is so much better. Huzzah!)

I think that I really will do this as well as focus on an additional reason (the next pound to strive for). I'm excited about this. So, here's what I've done so far:

1. Because I deserve this
2. Because I can do this
3. To prevent diabetes (yay, I "passed" my blood test!)
4. To prevent hypertension
5. To prevent high cholesterol
6. To prevent sleep apnea
7. To have healthy pregnancies (should we ever decide to have kids)
8. To prevent health-related surgeries
9. To stop my thoughtless eating

For my next pound, I'm going to focus on better skin. So far, it's getting better already. So, here's to glowing, smooth skin!

I'm also going to write the date each was accomplished in my little book, too. For 262 (reason #8), I'll even put all six of the dates. I owned that weight! So much fun.

In order to "go back to what works", I can remember that asking myself what helps:

• Checking in with mom when my motivation falters
• Drinking water before breakfast
• Exercising as soon as I get home
• Writing!
• Planning my meals
• Asking myself what I'm feeling when I have temptations to try to tease out what emotion I'm trying to mask
• Telling myself to make it one more day (every single day)

Today's weight loss topic was "Nurturing Power of Food":

Today I bought a candy bar because they always soothe me. I took two bites and told myself that my emotional needs had been met (calming down the really painful homesickness I feel right now) and that eating more won't heal me any more. And I gave the rest away. I actually felt satisfied with those two bites and haven't craved chocolate since. This exercise taught me that while food can help with feelings, I don't have to eat until I pop for it to do that because the first two bites have the most impact. I can work on finding better ways to cope.

Whoop!

I have two whoops today that took place yesterday (I meant to write yesterday, but well...life got in the way. But I did write the whole thing in my head last night!).

I decided to change my weekly weigh-in to Sundays. The reason that I had first decided to do Fridays (100 years ago) was because I knew I'd "mess up" over the weekends. Well, now that I'm no longer having "free days", I've decided to go back to Sundays when I have time to leisurely weigh myself without having to go to work shortly after. So, I weighed myself yesterday even though it had only been 3 days and I lost a pound and .75 inches. WHOOP (#1)! I have broken the 262 for real this time (and not like when I stole it a few weeks ago). I really hope I don't see 262 ever again.

I went out with the girls yesterday to celebrate Jen's birthday. We went to D's, which has fantastic hot dogs. Before I went, though, I found out just what I could eat without going over. I ordered a beef burger (a first in forever--I love veggie and turkey burgers more) and when it was brought to me wrong (with ketchup--I love it but can only eat a special kind now), I sent it back. I was so proud of myself! (WHOOP #2) Normally I would have gobbled it down even though I knew I shouldn't. I didn't eat the chips that came with it and only a few onion rings. I only drank water. My friends were great about it, too, so supportive. I love them!

I came home and oh-so-slowly ate some dark chocolate (only 66 mg!). It was divine.

I'm proud of my weight loss and daily (almost) exercise. I feel that I have so much support and tools and it's really going to happen this time.

The weight loss topic for today is "First Two Bites":
For this exercise, I chose peanut butter pretzels. Oh, how I love them! But the sodium is pretty insane. I ate two and then stopped. And I was okay! Actually, they sat on my desk for about an hour and I didn't even crave them. I just wanted to write this. They were delicious, but I don't need any more. Go figure!

I will make sure to pay attention to the first two bites and enjoy the flavors of what I am putting in my mouth.

Feels So Good

Shauna the Dietgirl commented on my blog! She commented on my review of her book and said "Wow, thank you reading the book Chavonne! Glad you enjoyed it :)". Rad!

Today has gone so much better than I thought! Since I last blogged, I worked out for an hour doing the Walk Strong DVD. It's okay. I'll do it for the week, but I'm not sure about it. As always, the music doesn't flow and that always gets me! I'll do a fuller review later.

I've eaten low-sodium popcorn since I last wrote and am pretty full. Whoop! I might have some whipped cream before bed, but I'll be sure to stay under, fortunately.

I joined 3 Fat Chicks this afternoon. I'm excited for the chance to get some support. I plan to post mainly in the "20-somethings" and "100 pound" rooms. I feel great!

Today after my shower I was checking myself out in the mirror (because, well, I do that. Ha!) and found myself wondering how I didn't know I was getting so big. Maybe I did and ignored it. I don't know. But I do know that this is my new life: taking care of myself by working my body and feeding it healthy foods.

Last night during my chat with Mama, she suggested that I may want to look into a weekly "cleansing" like the pills you can take for a week just to clean yourself out. Maybe it would help with the salt cravings that are driving me crazy right now. I'm going to look into it.

KFC is the Devil

Today has been a really great day. Kalem and I took my car to get serviced and then went to lunch before coming home to just relax. We ended up stopping at KFC. I knew that everything was pretty high in sodium, so I had a biscuit. Then I had a bite of chicken and a potato wedge. Then I had a half of a biscuit! So, long story short, I have 260 mg left. I am sure I'll be awake for at least five more hours. I've nervous, but I WILL NOT go over!

I have a new Leslie Sansone DVD from the library for the week. It's called "Walk Strong" and it's 30 minutes long. It is an interval workout, so it goes from walking to weight lifting and back again. I'm really excited to try it. I've been thinking that maybe I would do better if I work out daily rather than cram it all at the beginning of the week. I'm not sure if I'll put this theory into practice because on internship days I just want to pass out when I get home.

Today's weight loss topic is "Morning affects evening":
I have no problem with eating breakfast! I know that it's helpful to have a good meal every morning, so I'm glad I don't have to work on that as part of my weight loss! :). As for late-afternoon snacks, I can always have low-sodium snacks like carrots and applesauce always available. That way I won't mess up because of hunger before dinner.

Can You Feel A Brand New Day?

All right! So, yesterday, I had something of a breakdown. Not really--I cried for about 30 seconds about how hard this is and then made a resolution to keep going. Like I've said before, my eating before was not a way to live, but a way to die. I've got to keep going.

The good news is that, in spite of my crazy eating, I didn't gain any weight! So, I'm at my favorite 262 again. The bad news is that I gained 1.25 inches. Geez. I'm definitely a fluffier 262, I can feel it. That's okay, I'm recommitted! Here's what's changing now:

• No off days allowed (except for holidays and super-special occassions. No more than two a month)
• I plan to be more proactive in planning my meals and deciding what to eat beforehand when I eat out
• Writing daily on weight loss to keep my goal in mind
• More cooking, less eating out
• More weight lifting (gag)

Hopefully, this gets me back on track. When I say weight lifting, I mean like once a week. I know I should do two or three, but baby steps.

The USDA recommends that one eats less than 2,300 mg of sodium a day. Since this is my first time eating at that level without ever going over, I'll start there. I really hope to get out of this rut!

The weight loss topic for today is "Oops, I Forgot to Eat":

I plan to eat at 8AM, 11AM, 1PM, 4PM, 6PM, 8PM, 10PM

I did okay with meeting these goals. I think I actually ate more often than this, but I was never overly hungry, at least!

Tonight we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner. I was really prepared and had my dish picked out already! The food was delicious and we had great company (Sadie and Dustin). However, when we came home, I checked what I ate and realized that there were six servings in what I ate! Dang it! Still, I stayed under, thank goodness!

Blarg

What. The. Heck.

I went over my sodium limit yesterday and today. Gah! I'm so frustrated with myself. My frustration lies less with the fact that I overate than with the fact that I don't even care right now. I know that I'll care on Friday after a horrid weigh-in, but I feel so unmotivated right now. I'm sad that I feel this way because of I haven't eaten much more of my fantabulous care package, too. I refuse to as long as I'm going off of the deep end.

SO. Today, I'm back on the wagon. I know it's too late to lose any weight this week, but that's okay. I refuse to let two days ruin another (it used to be so typical of me to just give up for the whole week because I'd made a mistake). I didn't bring my lunch (another huge mistake), so I've got to decide what to eat this afternoon as well. It's strange that I'm not even bothered about working out right now. It's the good eating that's killing me. I think it might also be because it's my lady time this week. I'd kill for a brownie sundae right now, even if it is 10 in the morning.

This morning I woke up an hour earlier than planned and rather than getting up and making a good breakfast and actually lotioning, I lay in bed thinking about my weight loss. What am I doing wrong? Why am I losing so slowly? If it's so slow now, it's going to take ages to get to 150! Oy. I know I said before that I can't go over ever, but I really think that's true now. 4 days of eating with wild abandon followed by three days of guilt and "good" eating will not make me healthy. I've got to be more serious about this.

I am having a hard time not having someone go through this with me, too. I have fantastic support from Mom and Kalem, but it's hard to not have anyone to complain about the struggles with. I mean, Mom's been there, but she's way over the hump now. Still, I learn so much from her stories of how she got to her goal weight. Hmm. I know that this is my struggle, my journey, but I'd love to have some more support. Like a Weight Watchers group that I don't have to do WW or pay for it. Ha! I track my intake of www.livestrong.com, so maybe I'll finally join one of the groups on there. That way, I can have support even when I'm at home in my jammies at 1 in the morning.

I've really got to get my mojo back! I am going to try to write more and hopefully that will make me more mindful of what I'm trying to do with this body.

Care Package!

My care package arrived tonight! Mama had told me she was sending a low-sodium care package and I was so excited! It is so great! Here's what she sent:

• Santitas tortilla chips: the best chips in the universe! (1 bag)
• Stauffer's Chocolate Animal Crackers ("black cookies"): lower-sodium cookies from heaven! These are so much better for me than Oreos and are really delicious! (4 whole bags!)
• Extra-Spicy Mrs. Dash: 1/4 bottle (left over from their kitchen--typical Mama :))
• Cavendar's Salt-Free Greek seasoning: I'm so intrigued! (some in a baggie)
• Sodium-free baking powder: I can't wait to make pound cake this weekend! (some in a baggie)
• Vaseline "men's" lotion for Kalem: it wouldn't be a care package from my mom if there weren't one random thing. She is so great!
• "4 Really Big Miles" Leslie Sansone DVD: Yup, the one I recently said I didn't life! I'll love it now because of the love it was sent with!
• Unsalted Snyder's pretzels: oh, how I missed pretzels! (2 bags)
• Low-sodium chicken noodle soup (1 can)
• Low-sodium cream of mushroom soup: I haven't cooked with cream of mushroom soup since I started this lifestyle. I can't wait! (1 can)
• Sodium-free chicken bouillon
• Sodium-free beef bouillon
• A WONDERFUL card of support for my weight loss. It made my month! It's on our fridge now.

I am so touched. This is just what I needed to keep on with this diet. I really needed a change of pace. I am ready to keep going and get healthy. My parents are the best and I'm so grateful for their support!

Review: The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl by Shauna Reid

I have just read the best weight loss memoir. I read Half of Me by Jeanette Fulda a few months ago and really liked it, but this one was marvelous. I loved how much I could relate to the author. I have "Fat-Girl Freakouts" all of the time! I had one in my car this morning where I cursed myself for wearing what I was wearing (this shirt could be a bit looser). I was so worried that people would critique my outfit that I almost turned around just to change! But, I remembered that I value having a job so I got here on time. Still, I wish I could change right now.

Anyhoo, I couldn't put it down. I've made a habit of not reading weight loss stuff outside of my house (I normally do during breakfast or right before bed or when I'm feeling particularly tubby), but I carried this book around with pride. I'm sure people heard me laughing at my desk (when I snuck a few quick pages in between assignments), too. It was absolutely lovely.

I always hear about how people find love after losing the fat and I personally think it's a lot of baloney. Kalem loves me, rolls and all, and he's already pouting that I'm not so fluffy. But I now understand that it may be because of the lack of self-esteem so many of us big girls have. I know I have it; I was just fortunate enough to find a guy that saw the confident woman inside.

I've been going through a bit of a low-motivation period and this book is really helping pull me out of it. I didn't need to read about weight loss strategies but instead about someone else's struggles and how they kept their sense of humor and didn't let weight loss take over their whole life. And I got to laugh! Boy, I howled through most of it. I know I'll read it again during the next few years as I try to see my toes once more.

No Unnecessary Food!

Today was wonderful! Kalem and I watched a movie and then took a long walk with the dogs at Frick Park. It was really wonderful to have someone to work out with and to get out on a really beautiful day. It was so nice to spend time with him not in front of a television! Afterwards, I had some lovely free time before playing board games. It was really nice to have great, simple fun. :).

Today's weight loss topic is "Fuel or filler":

• Breakfast: 2 servings of Cream of Wheat with lite salt and margarine. Fuel.
• Lunch: One hot dog and onion rings. Began as fuel, but I ate more than I was hungry for.
• Snack. Sun Chips and Doritos. I was munchy, so it was filler.
• Snack: Banana. Fuel before our walk.
• Snack: One medium chocolate custard waffle cone from Rita's. Filler.
• Snack: 10 low-sodium Ritz crackers. Fuel

I think I fueled myself rather well! I didn't overeat all that much and stayed within my sodium requirement. I feel great! I can eat better fillers, though--perhaps, eat fruit instead of chips. I will try to eat healthier, more filling snacks.

Writing for Weight Loss

I said that I would do more weight-loss writing, so here I am! I have quite a few of these saved up, so I plan to write at least once a week on one of them.

The topic of Linda Spangle's weekly newsletter is "Shrink Your Goals". I found this really helpful. So many times I've read and heard about how important it is to take weight loss one step at a time. I know that if I keep my ultimate goal of 150 in mind, I'll get overwhelmed and never get there! That's why I created a list of milestones a while ago as things to look forward to. To make this overall goal even less daunting, I will add 10-pound goals as well:

• Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds) CHECK! (6/5/2009)
• Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)
• Lose twenty pounds (250 pounds)
• Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
• Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
• Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
• Lose forty pounds (230 pounds)
• Lose fifty pounds (220 pounds)
• Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
• Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
• Lose seventy pounds (200 pounds)
• Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
• Lose eighty pounds (190 pounds)
• Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
• Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)Lose one hundred pounds (170 pounds)
• Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
• Lose one hundred and ten pounds (160 pounds)
• Meet final goal (150 pounds)

It bothers me that it's 19 and not an even number, but I think I'll be okay. :). I think that these are great things to look forward to. There are no more than ten pounds between each one, so I'll be able to have something to look forward to in the near future. So, the next goal is 260. Only two pounds to go! Whoop! I'm going to do my best to focus on the next two and nothing more. I know I can do it!

A Smaller 262

Oh my goodness! Today was another weigh-in. I knew I hadn't lost a pound--after my chicken drumstick incident, I ate like a pig last night. I mean, with complete abandon. Anything I could get my hands on, I ate it. And why?! I knew that I was going to be disappointed by today's weigh in, so why not? I resolved to have a crazy eating day and go back to my healthy ways today.

Anyhoo, I stepped on the scale and I weigh 262. What a surprise! If I'm going to gain weight, I'm not surprised I'm back at my "plateau weight".

BUT this is a much different 262 than when I first hit this weight. Since 6/5, I've lost 3.5 additional inches off of my body! Woohoo! I felt frustrated at first, that my weight still hasn't decreased, but I can tell how much my body's toned. So, I'm going to keep on keeping on and hopefully the scale reacts soon.

Today I bought a food scale. Hot dog, I'm a real dieter now! :). I just have to say, it's quite possibly the coolest weight loss tool I've bought so far! Today I made a chicken stir fry and used the scale to weigh the chicken and veggies. Oh, what fun! It was the best. I love making sure I eat all the right portions. I can't believe I'm so excited to weigh my food!

Like I said before, I made a chicken stir fry for dinner. I used the Mrs. Dash Spicy Teriyaki marinade. It was...okay. So far, I've tried both this marinade and the Zesty Garlic Herb one and I haven't been impressed with either. Still, I'm going to keep trying to like them and the other two I bought because they have NO sodium. I will probably learn to LOVE them. :). I adore all of the Mrs. Dash shakers, so I'm hoping that I come around with the marinades, soon.

I also got a new Leslie Sansone video from the library: 4 Fast Miles. It definitely got me moving, but it is not my favorite walking workout. I'm a huge fan of Leslie Sansone's workouts, but I'm sure I will not be buying them. The cuing is off and half of the walkers are going in one direction while the others are going in another. It drove me crazy! Also, some of the music is recycled from another workout. No thanks. Still, I appreciate the fact that there is a new move ("boosted walking", or jogging) that will definitely get one's heart pumping harder than normal. So, the search for the best one-hour walking workout. So far, it's still the Super Challenge. I still have a few more to try before I decide. Still, I'm going to do this video for all of my workouts for the week just to do something different.

I'm down to 2300 mg of sodium now. So far, I've had about 1700. I'm pretty full, too. I feel really good today.

The new vegetable of the pay period is rutabaga! I bought one of those funny-looking waxy things today and I'm so intruigued by it. I can't wait to learn how to cook it and add it to my healthy eating lifestyle.

And, lastly, today's weight loss topic is "Two Purposes of Food":

• Bagel and margarine: 10:30 AM--fuel
• 1/2 bag Peanut M&Ms: 1:00 PM
• One cantaloupe: 3:00 PM
• 10 Hint of Salt Ritz and 1 tbsp. of peanut butter: 6:00 PM
• 1/2 bag of Smart Pop Popcorn: 7:30 PM
• Chicken Stir-Fry (Mrs. Dash recipe): 9:00 PM
• 1/2 bag Peanut M&Ms: 10:30 PM

Having regular "fuel stops" really does make me feel more energized! I feel like I've been eating nonstop, but I've never felt full or overly hungry. I can plan my stops by creating a menu each day when I wake.

I'm thinking of registering my blog on BlogHer. I would love to have some support from other readers and offer my own to them.

Wow, what a long entry! I'll do my book review tomorrow. :)

"Have You Lost Weight?"

I think that during this journey it is extremely important to be as honest as I can be. I have realized that, at this point, I cannot eat 1500 mg a day. There are a number of reasons:

• It's flipping hard.
• I want to have something to change if and when I plateau again.
• If I keep struggling to stay at 1500 and keep failing and/or barely making it, I'm going to get frustrated /give up. I will do much better by getting to 1500 gradually.

Now, I know that the first reason is not a valid reason. Of course it's hard! That doesn't count. But I really do feel that tapering is best for me. Because I will plateau again. So far, this week has been really hard. I had a crazy Monday night when I ate a drumstick from KFC. Now, I don't like fried chicken from restaurants. I think it's awful. Kalem had a few leftover pieces from the place and after he heated them up, I took a small piece of skin. It was INCREDIBLE. I hadn't had something so salt-concentrated in months. It was delicious. I asked Kalem for a bite and ended up eating the whole drumstick. I couldn't even stop myself. Ten seconds later I was so upset with myself. Still, with this "binge", I did okay. I went over yesterday by about 10 mg. I haven't gone over today, but I still have yet to eat dinner after I work out. So, I'll be glad to have more wiggle room. It's funny, I used to think that 2300 mg was hard, but now it seems like a smorgasbord! For now, I'm going to eat 2300 mg. When I plateau again, I'll do down another 100 mg.

I've gotten two whole compliments this week from two volunteers at work. Hot dang! I really needed them after my ridiculous weigh-in last Friday. As much as I thrive on the support and well wishes of my family, I really get a lot out of encouragement from those I know don't feel compelled to say it. I LOVE IT. It's such a motivator.

A friend of mine is having lap band surgery today. We've talked about us both having it and what we were both thinking about it. In the end, I will not be having it. Yesterday, we talked about how nervous she was feeling about it. I hope that it goes well. I'm sure it will. I'm grateful that I did not make the choice to have it. I think it may work for some people, but it wouldn't have for me. I need to learn how to make healthy choices and how to get healthy on my own.

I'm really going to start more weight loss journaling soon. Now that I've finished the biggest school assignment of the semester, I'll have a bit more freedom to.