Two-for-One

The last time I blogged, I mentioned that I may be combining my blogs because I’m just not writing very much in either. So, for the month of September, I’ll be trying that out. I’m not sure if it’s a permanent change yet. I do think it’s a good idea, though—after all, my life’s not compartmentalized! My daily blog is at www.wrightwoman.blogspot.com and I’ll be only writing from there for now. See you there!

Moving Right Along

So much has happened since I last wrote! I really feel that I am making progress. I'm really starting to get into the groove and realizing this isn't a diet, but my way of life now.

Since I last wrote, I got a lot of great feedback about fast food. If I want to eat it, I'll eat it. I won't restrict myself from it. But I am noticing how unhappy it makes my belly, so I am eating less of it already. I've been cooking a lot and really enjoying it. I have started eating rice and gravy again--something I couldn't do before while on my low-sodium diet. It's delightful. I'd forgotten how much I love it! I also made homemade sweet potato fries for dinner tonight and it was so flipping great. Wow, am I loving eating again!

On Friday after work, I got the crazy urge to run. The weather was delightful--warm and breezy. I just couldn't stay in the house. Plus, Kalem was out with his best friend. So, I decided to go for a run and then treat myself to a night at the movies. It felt really good to get out there. I hadn't run in at least a year! My calves were aching by the time I finished (same as before!). Afterwards, I decided that I may need to walk for a while before I'm able to really get back into it. My body was quite achy afterwards. But, I love the feeling I used to have! And I don't want to feel unable to because of my weight. So, I'm thinking about trying it again. I'm not sure yet. I'm aslo feeling really compelled to pick up strength-training. I've never been good about lifting, but I know it's helpful to being healthy, strong, and flexible. We're also talking about buying some big piece exercise equipment for the winter time, but we'll see. I used to love running in the winter, so we might hold off on that. I'll be writing about my workout plans soon.

On Saturday, the hubs and I went winter shopping on Saturday and had a great time, surprisingly. We both agreed to be completely honest when things were too tight and not even pretend we'd fit in items in the "normal" section. So, to the "plus-size" sections we went and bought a lot of great warm clothing. The next day was the real challenge. As we began to add our new clothes to our closets, we decided it was time to remove those that no longer fit in some way. It was really hard, because there were a lot of memories attached to some things. Of course, I kept my wedding dress, but the dress I got engaged in had to go. I even got rid of my "goal jeans"! We got rid of about half of our clothes and donated them. I thought about keeping some smaller clothes, but I am learning to be okay with the fact that I may not lose any weight as I learn to eat intuitively. Now, though, it feels great to get up and find something to wear. I know everything will fit and that I look nice wearing it. I feel so much more comfortable in my body right now. It feels so great!

I've been under the weather for about a week now. For the last two weeks or so, I've been a bit congested and didn't do anything about it because I thought it was just allergies. This week, though, I've been feeling a bit worse. I haven't taken a full day off, so I feel my cold's just been moseying along, not decreasing. I'm feeling a lot better now, but am still battling some dizziness. Hopefully it will be over soon!

I have had a crazy summer health-wise: a really bad cold during our second-anniversary celebration, a reaction to a tetanus shot, allergies, and now this thing. I normally have a really remarkable immune system--I barely ever get sick! I'm hoping that as I get further into IE and exercising again, it will build up again. I especially think that my getting active again will really help with that. I hate feeling sick and tired and really hope to feeling healthy again.

A few weeks ago, Kalem had some chest pain and it really scared my straight. We both talked about the fact that we both need to get active and decided that we could walk the dogs every morning before work. Well, we haven't done it one day yet! We absolutely hate waking up any earlier than we absolutely must! Still, it's the only time we have in common that we can exercise together. I'm really committed to getting this started, but it's so very hard. We're going to start this next week hopefully.

That's really all that's going on with me (I guess I'm not so busy!). I'm strongly considering combining this and daily life blog. I don't write very often and it just might make sense. We'll see!

Well, it's almost been a month since we started IE! Next Tuesday, I'll be writing on how I feel it's going!

Slow and Steady

Today, I went to lunch at Qdoba. I was having a crazy day at home and had no time to grab anything more nutritious. Plus, it had been weeks since I had been there. So, I ordered a vegetarian taco salad and dug in. I was hungry when began. I ate until I felt full. And continued to eat. And eat. And eat, until it was gone. I was stuffed. After finishing, I took my quick, customary 15-minute lunch break walk and it was incredibly uncomfortable. I was so full and yucky-feeling.

I went to the forum for some support. I read a great thread in the Bare Bones Basics section and feel really comforted and secure in the fact that, for right now, I need to keep it as simple as possible. For now I will focus on what I said at the beginning: eating what I want when I'm hungry and stopping when I am full. At this point, I feel like I can't focus on anything else. I'm not even close to mastering this!

I'm seriously contemplating taking some time away from eating fast food. I don't oarticularly like fast food, but I find myself eating it more than I like. I love home-cooked food and take pleasure in eating leftovers. I just have to be better about preparing food. Normally I do this well, but work has been just bonkers lately. I am such a "Waste Not" eater. I hate the idea of letting food go to waste, especially given that we work so hard to afford it! I'm confused as to whether this is the diet mentality kicking in or a helpful way to learn to focus on my hunger and fullness. I've asked for some advice and hope to get some guidance soon.

I am feeling really calm about this. I know that I've eaten non-intuitively for many years and it's going to take some significant time to learn not to.

I've been doing rather well! I've decided not to begin running for now. For sure, I plan to wait until I get a little fitter and I feel more comfortable doing high-impact exercise. If I ever do--I love low-impact workouts and believe one can be healthy and fit without bouncing all over the place. I can't wait until I am out of school and have time to start belly dancing again. I absolutely adored it. I want to learn tap, too. For now, I've been lifting weights and walking. I feel really good about getting active. I've also been taking more care in my appearance and making sure to wear clothing that makes me feel good about my body. It's remarkable how much that's positively affected my attitude. It's time to stop saying, "When I'm thin, I'll...". I have to live now. My weight should never get in the way.

Today, Kalem and I sat down to dinner at the table and didn't talk much. We were very focused on our food. And, get this--we stopped when we were full! Hot dang! It felt great! I hope we soon learn how to do this and still have great dinner conversation! :)

I received my "Clearing Emotional Blocks" CD and will be posting a review soon!

Shopping Trip

Today, Kalem and I went grocery shopping for the first time since we started Intuitive Eating. It was a much different (and better) experience than what we've had in at least five years! It was remarkable to walk through the aisles and pick what we thought would taste good without my spending time poring over the labels. There were a good many things that we got that I was excited about, but I was most thrilled about buying cream of mushroom soup and gravy mixes. I used to use these regularly in my cooking--I love rice and gravy! I haven't had it in many, many months because of my low-sodium diet. Now I am thrilled to enjoy brown rice and gravy to my heart's content! What was really cool about our trip was my honey saying, "Even though it seems like we overspent today because we're so excited to eat normally again, the food will last so much longer because we're only eating when we're hungry". Bingo! I'm so thrilled that we're both so committed to this new life.

I had a bit of fear creep in again about gaining weight because I'm going to be eating foods I may not have had in our home in what seems like forever. However, I told myself again that this is part of the process. I am now learning the tools to eat what I like without overeating. It feels lovely. I'm glad to be learning to listen to my body and eat in a much saner way.

Another Tool for the Kit

I've had a rather interesting eating pattern for the past few days. I've started off doing well with only eating when I was hungry at the beginning of the day. Then, I've ended up eating just because I'm so used to eating at certain times? Was I hungry? No. But I felt I had to eat because it was time.

So, what does this teach me? That I really need to continuously ask myself if I'm hungry and only eat when I am. I'm not frustrated with myself at all--I'm just interested in learning to use each instance of overeating as an opportunity for growth.

I've also felt somewhat emotional today. I started off my day quite well. I read another blogger's site that led me to really question using hypnosis as a healing tool during part of my journey with Intuitive Eating. I was initially really hesitant--it's nothing I've really thought about.

I am doing some deep reflection about some issues going on with my job; there's a chance of something happening that could cause really big changes for me. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up because there's a real chance it won't happen. As I was thinking about this, I ended up overeating. I was anxious, so I ate. I took a walk during my lunch break and that really helped. Then I had a two-hour meeting that had popcorn and chocolate and I ate even though I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry, but I was bored and ready to end my work day, and I ate when not hungry.

I did a lot of reading on the IE forum about using hypnosis. Jennifer Poole, the hypnotherapist who crafted the hypnosis tools that are recommended, was gracious enough to allay some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She also directed me to a wonderful article about hypnosis by the Mayo Clinic.

Still, I felt hesitant. Because I love lists, I explored the pros and cons of trying this method out. I've decided to give it a try. There were a number of reasons I was against it, but I worked through them:

• I don't want to pay this much for a CD! I looked in our study at all of the diet books and materials I own (I know I need to get rid of them, but I plan to take them to Half-Price Books to get credit for books I'll enjoy!). Also, Kalem spends tons on video games. I won't make us bankrupt by spending this money!
  
• I don't know if this will work for me. What's the harm in trying?! In my "previous life", if I had been told I'd lose 100 pounds by doing this, I'd have paid any amount of money. I'm trying to be a healthy, calm, happy Intuitive Eater now. If this helps, I'm willing to try!
  
• I'm afraid of the feelings that might be dredged up. Let the feelings come. I've stuffed them down with food too many times. It's time to release the angst within.
  
• Kalem fusses when I read in bed. Won't he fuss with this?! I can go to the bedroom early to do this and still be able to talk with my hubby before going to bed. Most of the time he falls asleep so quickly he won't notice anyway. He'll be fine. :).
  
• My parents are going to think I'm even more "hippy-dippy". They don't even know I've started IE yet! I'm an adult. Maybe my parents will want to try it one day!

So, I'm doing it! On her website, Ms. Poole suggests that one does the "Clearing Emotional Blocks" meditation for at least a month before beginning the "Intuitive Eating for Weight Release" CD. I have ordered the first CD and am eagerly awaiting its arrival. I've decided to wait to order the second CD to ensure that I give myself as much time as I need with this meditation (I know that I feel most excited about the second CD right now!).

On another note, I've been exercising daily and feel really great about it. I'm reminding myself that it's about how my body feels because of it and it really helps. I love how flexible and alert I feel now that I'm moving my body regularly. I'm going to start implementing weight lifting soon and am looking forward to strengthening my upper body as well! I'm still reading the IE book and making good progress. I also got the CD to listen to at a later date. I'm loving this journey!

Catching Up

It's been a while since I've written, I know. I've been consistently trying to adhere to the principles of IE. Since I began, I've noticed some real changes. I'm really excited about it. I'm still reading the book, incredibly slowly (mostly because I've been reading really good fiction that I just can't put down!). Mostly I read it before I go to bed. I don't carry it out of the house because I'm not comfortable talking about it yet.

Since beginning IE, I've been doing all right at not eating when I'm not hungry. There are a few areas I have a LOT of work to do. I'm doing okay at only starting to eat when I'm hungry. I just can't seem to stop when I no longer am. Boy, am I a member of the Clean Plate Club! It's going to be difficult learning not to be! I either stop eating when there's nothing on my plate or I'm so full I feel sick (or both).

I've been working out regularly and it's been nice. Now that it's sleeveless season, I feel very aware that I need to work on my arms! I have very little upper body strength as compared to my lower and would love to work on that. I think doing so would help strengthen my core which i also feel would help with my upper back pain. In addition, I feel the very strong urge to start running again. I used to a few years ago and loved it! When I got hurt and lazy again, I just couldn't get the gumption to start again. I'd love to have that rush that running gave me again--no other workout has really done that for me again. I never lost any weight from running, but I did tone up quite a bit. I actually planned to run yesterday, but when I got up it was SO hot/humid (and it was only 8). Instead, I went for a walk with the hubby and dogs. I'm glad I did, because when we got home, we found out it was an Air Quality Action day (I don't really know what this means, but when they say it on the news, it means "move as little as possible because it's so hot you'll pass out if you do more than breathe"). By the time we got back into the car, we were covered in sweat and the dogs were half-asleep. It was a nice way to work out. We've talked about running, but we're so lazy! The thoughts of getting up early to run are just too much. I loved running in the winter with the snow crunching under my shoes. Hmm...okay, I've really psyched myself out for it now! I'm going to try to start up soon!

I'm struggling emotionally with something that I read on the IE forum. A very brave member stated that she had gained weight since starting this journey. The book also says that this can happen as well. I am terrified of gaining weight. I am really focused on this journey, but the thought of getting any bigger scares the bejesus out of me. What if I gain a lot? What if I go over 300 pounds? I'm trying my best to be patient, but I know that this will be my biggest struggle--just trusting the process. From the feel of my clothing, I'm at about the same weight now. I'm doing my best to be patient and understanding of my body.

Overall, though, I'm feeling good. I'm so glad that I made this change and look forward to seeing the peace it will give me.

The Ten Principles

This is the fourth day that I've been eating intuitively. So far, it's been going well, though I haven't stopped to acknowledge my fullness every time. Papa got some bad health news and I completely regressed and proceeded to eat my feelings. Except that this time, I only ate half of my feelings! I was really wowed by one of the comments I read in the book that said that a client said not to feel bad about a binge, but use it as a learning opportunity. After talking to my mom, I knew I'd overeat. I knew I wasn't hungry. I think that the reason that I didn't eat as much as I normally would was because I was more aware of the fact that I wasn't hungry and that I went to lunch with a friend rather than eating alone. I'm okay with eating alone, but not when super-upset. I realize that I can work to feel my feelings.

I am still actively reading the book, but thought I'd share the 10 principles of the concept:

1. Reject the diet mentality
2. Honor your hunger
3. Make peace with food
4. Challenge the food police
5. Respect your fullness
6. Discover the satisfaction factor
7. Honor your feelings without using food
8. Respect your body
9. Exercise--feel the difference
10. Honor your health

I'm really so excited about all of this. As I haven't read the book in its entirety, I've been advised to do the bare basics for now. I'm eating what I want when I want and stopping when I'm full. It hasn't gone wonderfully yet, but I'm not feeling guilty about it. I'm learning to better listen to my body and hunger signals. I've been working out every day and instead of focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on how good it makes my body feel. I've enjoyed it so far. I'm not a huge fan of exercise but am really trying to remind myself that I feel better after I do (which is true). I'm thinking that maybe if I find the right type of exercise, one that gets me excited and that I can enjoy, it won't feel like such a burden.

So, I'm sure that I won't be writing as frequently until I get through the book entirely. But I'm around!

And Sharon, you totally rock for leaving such a supportive message on my last entry. We'll both find our happy place soon!

IE's The Life For Me!

Sigh. Okay. I've been writing this entry in my head since Friday, but have only found the courage to do so now. A few days ago, I wrote an entry in which I asked whether I should be focusing on something other than weight loss. I questioned if I would lose my mind living like this the rest of my life.

The next morning I woke up and had an answer for myself. I don't want to be counting calories (or sodium or carbs) for the rest of my life. I want to be healthy, no doubt, but I want to not worry about this forever. I was done with dieting.

I had heard of Intuitive Eating before. I took the book out a few months ago and read some of it. I wasn't ready at the time. I remember reading the first few chapters and saying, "I'm going to do this after I lose all of the weight. I want to be thin before I start this lifestyle." Ha! I now know that that was really faulty thinking.

So, I've made the resolution to never diet again. It's liberating as well as incredibly terrifying. I've been on a diet for at least the last 10 years! I'm scared to not be trying to be thin. But I'm so ready for this.

Kalem will be doing this with me as well. We feel really ready for this change in our lives. Maybe we will lose weight, maybe we won't. But we're (mostly, I'm) tired of the constant battle with food and weight.

The reason that I was so hesitant to write this entry was because I was sad that there's a real chance I'll lose the support of bloggers I've really come to lean on and appreciate in the last month or so. I'll still support others, but I truly don't believe that dieting works. I don't want to criticize what others are doing and/or what's working for them. So, we'll see how that changes this blog.

A good change, though, is that Kalem will be blogging here, too!

At this point, I'm doing the bare basics: eating what I want when I'm hungry and stopping when I no longer am. I'm reading through "the book" all the way through and then will go back and work through each principle at a much slower pace. I'll continue to write as I do so. I've already got an entry brewing in my head!

I wish all of my readers complete success in their health endeavours. I'm really excited about this process.

Big Changes

I've made a big, big decision to change the way I eat and how I treat my body. I will be blogging about this soon, but I had to say that I'm excited, terrified, and determined. I'm ready to change my life!

Poor Poor Pitiful Fat Girl

Be aware, this is a rant-filled entry! Also, I'll use the word fat, but it's not in a derogatory way. And trust me, I'm including myself in this group!

Last night, "More to Love" premiered on Fox. It's touted as a dating show for the "rest of us". I knew I would hate this show. I was prepared to hate it. So, when it came on, I sat down and prepared to be mad.

And boy, was I.

I live to make lists, so here are my rants about the show:

• The dude. The bachelor is a bigger guy--he's 6'3" and over 300 pounds. I think that people find love in all shapes and sizes. WHY can't these ladies find love with the type of guys seen on other dating shows? Can big girls not get guys with hot abs?!
• The weights. Some of these gals are flipping gorgeous. They all were wearing gorgeous dresses and looked lovely. But any time one of the women is speaking to the camera, her weight is shown on the screen! What in the world?! You don't see that on other dating shows!
• The obvious sadness. A number of these women were shown crying over how their weight has affected their not finding love. Um, what? I'm a fat woman who found love. If there are guys or ladies not giving these women attention because of their size, they're not right for them anyway! I'm not going to pretend that my size didn't affect who I dated when I was younger. We all have types. Let's not deny that. I just hate that they have to capitalize on these ladies' pain. We know that thinner people get more attention. Does there have to be a dating show to remind us?
• The host. Why does she have to be a bigger woman, too?! Are skinny people afraid to come anywhere near this show?!
• PROM. At the end of the show, we were told there was going to be a prom episode. You've got to be kidding me. Fat girls go to prom. Fat girls have sex. Fat girls look fabulous in prom gowns. It's insulting to insinuate that each woman needs to have a "real" prom...which isn't all that real when all of them have the same date! I'm not going to continue to compare my life to this, but I went to prom. I had a date for every fancy event in HS but one and that was by choice. I had lovers. I rock a pair of high heels. Don't give me that.
• Worthiness. These women are worthy of love. A dating show is never someone's last chance. My heart ached for these women. But I was also upset by even more perpetuating of societal messages that people over a certain weight do not derserve love and affection and friendship. I'm wondering what we're supposed to feel as we watch this.

There was something good about the show that I really liked. One of the women said that she takes care of her body but just doesn't happen to be a size 4. Word! I think that as long as one is really working hard at being healthy--eating well and exercising, who cares if she's not a skinny minny?! Why should we buy into society's image of beauty? Down with sizism! I'm actually starting to question why I'm so intent on getting to a certain weight. Shouldn't my focus be health more than anything? What does everyone think? How different would people feel about themselves if they ate what they were supposed to and exercised daily without being slaves to the scales? Would we love ourselves more? Would we stop caring so much what society thinks? More to the point, would I be more willing to wear a bathing suit?

So, long story short, this show is a bunch of crap. I don't know if I'll watch it again, because it makes me SO MAD. But it's definitely got me thinking.

Some other sites I've come across that have something to say about this ridiculous show:

http://www.feministing.com/archives/016946.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-07-27/really-big-love/full/

http://shrinkingsharon.blogspot.com/2009/07/fat-bachelor.html

Food is Not My Friend

I'm sad. My dad's having health problems and the DH and I are on the outs. I want someone to talk to, but who do I turn to when I feel like my best friend can't listen to me? I want to just crawl under my blankets with a dozen cookies.

I'm telling myself that I DON'T need to do that. The hubs and I will probably be fine by the end of the night--we just haven't had enough time today to hash things out. My dad's test results don't come back until Monday, so I don't need to eat like a crazy person worrying about something that might not even be a problem. He's going to be fine! I have great friends who will answer my phone call and listen to me gripe and get me back to feeling good. I have a fantastic weight loss coach (the bestest mommy in the world) who will talk me down from the ledge if I just call her up. I don't need to eat my feelings.

Anyway, as a way to get past it, I'm writing on another ezine article by Linda Spangle titled "Food as Comfort" (how fitting!). Food has served as comfort in a number of ways during my life. Food has consoled me during times of hurting and sadness. It has dulled my senses when I've felt that the emotions were too much to bear. It has been my date on Friday nights (even when I had a great boyfriend). It's been a prize for a good job. It's been my friend. One of my best friends.

Sometimes I feel afraid that once I really get past eating emotionally, I'll have to start feeling everything. I tell my clients to, instead of trying to stuff it down with food or sex or drugs/alcohol or anything else, to just feel it. Once it's felt, you can learn what to do about it. I'm learning how to do that myself.

Right now, I'm eating a homemade trail mix with dried cranberries, soy nuts, and almonds. I think it's a good step away from Oreos.

Getting Myself Back

When I first started my job, I dressed to kill. Three-inch heels, skirts, makeup. I was so cute.

I've been here a little over two years and now it's not so much the case. Even though I've only (only?!) gained about 20-25 pounds since then, I'm just not as cute. I still dress up, but I haven't worn makeup on a day that wasn't my anniversary for years. I don't wear heels. I only wear skirts if I bothered to lotion that morning and the skirt doesn't cut of my stomach circulation.

I'm still one of the most-dressed up here (we're a fairly casual place), but I rarely feel like putting in the effort. I think that this stems from a number of things:

• No one else dresses up.
• Heels hurt my feet.
• It's often too flipping humid to wear makeup
• I wake up too late to dress nicely

I could spin this, of course:

• I'm more comfortable with myself.
• Have you seen/worn ballet flats?! Why wear anything else?
• I didn't wear makeup before I started this job, so why wear it now?
• I work and go to school and have a weekly internship. I need to be comfortable.
• So I look like a shlub now. You should see me in the winter. I'm super cute then because I can layer!

Of course, a lot of it comes down to one fact:

I don't care enough.

Every few months, I'll step it up and put on my favorite patent leather pumps (they're completely adorable) and a dress. I feel pretty when I do and tell myself it's time to stop letting myself go. Now that I've stopped letting myself go food- and exercise-wise, I am starting to wonder if I should do more in the way of my appearance. I wonder if I'd feel better about how I look right now. I know for sure that my skin is getting better, which is great, because my acne was terrible! I didn't have skin like this in high school!

Back In the Game!

Well, after a binge and crappy weigh-in, I'm back to being "good". I hate thinking of it that way, because it's not like I committed some huge atrocity or anything. I mean, I ate Mexican food (plus more)! Nevertheless, I'm back to eating healthy foods that make me feel good emotionally and physically.

Yesterday and today I did a Leslie Sansone walking DVD rather than Turbo Jam because my left leg's been bothering me since I did the Turbo Jam Lower Body workout. I wasn't willing to give up a day of working out and walking has been gentler and kinder to my body. I hope that I can get back to it soon, but I'm not going to try to push it. In addition, I started the Beck Diet Solution workout yesterday and I already really like it. I'm excited to have a better grasp on what leads me to overeat and what I can do to get healthy.

Today I mentioned to a friend that I had gained weight and she was really supportive. This is definitely one of my girlfriends that I (used to) put away more food than I meant to every time we're together. She mentioned that I may mess up, but I won't "stay" messed up because I know how much I want to be thin. I've been thinking about that all day. I don't feel that I'm really doing all of this to be thin. But, it's definitely a big part of this. I mean, of course I want to be healthy. I don't want to end up like my father. I will not. Still, I have to be honest and say that I want to be thin. Screw it, I'll say it again!

I WANT TO BE THIN!

I want to wear cute clothes, see my toes, be fabulously hot. I want to be proud of my body. I wonder if that will be my main motivation when I get frustrated and that once I get there I'll realize how important my improving health is to me as well. Or will it be the opposite?

Regardless of what keeps me going, I'm going!

I am having some confusion, though, as to whether I'm doing the right thing with my plan. Should I eat at the sodium level I plan to end up at (1500 mg) or should I taper down? I am doing okay with 1500 mg but am worried about the fact that I will plateau again. What do I do then? I know that I can increase my exercise but I want to be able to do something food-wise, too. I mean, I have a lot of weight to lose. What is everyone else doing?

I also want to thank everyone for all of their support. This has helped me stay focused and I know I'll make my goal one day!

Re-Motivated

As you know from my last entry, I had a crazy time on Friday night that involved lots of Mexican food and ice cream. I was upset with myself, but told myself not to let it get to me and to keep pushing forward. I was really proud of myself for staying resolved.

Yesterday, I did well for most of the day. I worked out and ate well. However, we had company last night and had a really fun game night...that included pizza, cookies, and Cheetos. I didn't eat a crazy amount of food, but definitely more than I should have. All in all, it was a really fun night with really great company.

Sigh...well, I weighed in this morning and gained two pounds. Back to my favorite 262! But I did lose .75 more inches off of my body! I'm not even that frustrated by my weigh-in, since I did overeat the last two days before my weigh-in.

Now, I'm even more motivated to get back on track! I'm trying something new--working out daily (rather than doing all of my hours mostly on the weekend because of my busy schedule) and lowering the amount of sodium I consume (to 1500 mg rather than 2300). Also, I purchased the Beck Diet Solution Workbook and started it today. I have a lot of faith in Cognitive Therapy (as well as CBT), so I really have hope that this will work for me. It's full of list-making, so I'm really pleased about that, too.

So, I don't have awesome news, but I'm not sweating it. I have learned valuable lessons--don't eat out without first checking the nutrition facts and make sure to have healthy snacks available in social situations. I'm ready for a new week and a new opportunity to improve my health.

On another great note, yesterday DH told me he thought we should start working out together. I told him it was a great idea(!). I'm not going to push it and just wait and see if he mentions it again. I'm a bit miffed with him (not really, but I was for a minute this morning!) because he weighed himself and had lost six pounds with no effort whatsoever. Ugh. Boys stink. :). Just kidding--I'm only jealous!

running

Binge

Oh, crap.

Crap crap crap.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

My parents are extremely spiritual, so out of respect for them and on the off-off-off chance that they'll read my blog one day, I don' t swear on my blog. But trust me, I said some pretty bad words before I wrote this.

I had a great day, diet-wise today. I even picked up a new workout DVD from the library (Turbo Jam Lower Body workout--SO excited!). After work, Kalem and I decided to go out to dinner to mellow out after a long, stressful workweek. We went to Don Pablo's and I quickly LOST MY HEAD. I ate everything in sight. I had chips and queso/salsa/guacamole/sour cream and then a cheese enchilada, beef taco, a flauta, refried beans, and rice. It was pretty darn good, too. But I could feel the overload of calories, fat, and sodium. I couldn't stop myself! Well, I could have, but I didn't. I was so mad at myself.

After dinner, I said, "Well, screw it, I already messed up. Might as well go all out for the night." I've had a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream and a chicken quesadilla. Ugh. I'm so mad at myself.

I know that I won't let this affect me tomorrow, but I'm so frustrated. My weigh-in will be disastrous. I feel like I'll never get to my weight goal. :(.

I'm going to try to do an extra workout tomorrow and do some reflection about what leads me to go crazy like this. I'm so eager to be much more strict on myself in order to lose weight faster, but I'm trying my best to be patient.

I'd love anyone's tips on how they avoid having crazy eating binges when they're feeling happy/sad/tired/alive/stressed/blah blah blah. I need all of the help I can get.

Now is the Time

My biological father and I do not have a good relationship. Well, to be honest, we don't have one at all--he and my mother divorced when I was eight and I haven't spoken to him in 15 years. I haven't considered him my "dad" for for 17. I have been fortunate enough to have a wonderful stepdad who is everything a dad could be. I absolutely adore him.

My father has been ill for a long time. He's something like a poster child for what can happen to you if you're overweight--diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, heart problems. I won't go into details, but today my sister called and told me about how his health problems have really progressed and what the prognosis is.

This isn't the forum for me to talk about my feelings about my father. I'll probably do some writing about it on my daily-life blog, but this one is dedicated solely to my weight loss efforts. In light of that, after talking to my sister, in addition to my angst, I was immediately grateful that I have made the decision to get healthy. A big part of my deciding to lose all of this weight stemmed from the fact that I don't want to end up like my father. I'm extremely fortunate to not have any health problems, but I'm not going to test fate by staying at this size to find out if I continue to not have any. I am glad that I have this that I have the opportunity to better my life, body, and health before it's too late. Now is the time to become the person I want to be.

Today at dinner I reluctantly broached the subject of exercising together with the hubs. I worry about his health as much as mine sometimes. I know that I have no right to tell him how to take care of his body, but I love him too much to not have said anything. I'm not going to bring it up again for a while. I have a lot of weight to lose, so I'm in no shape (literally!) to try to tell him to get healthier. But, I hope he comes to the conclusion himself soon. I love my Bear!

Impatience

I spend far too much time reading others' weight loss blogs lately. I really enjoy it, though--it gives me a chance to recognize that I'm not the only one trying to change for the better and having a heck of a time doing it. This morning, I read a great entry that described exactly how I am feeling today.

I feel incredible about having lost 10 pounds. I feel super sassy and really proud of my hard work. A few people have noticed a change, too.

But I'm still obese. I'll be obese (BMI-wise) for the next 58 pounds. I was in the Hotline office this morning talking about weight with some extremely thin women and felt like the literal elephant in the room. I know how hard I work. My loved ones know how hard I work. When will it be obvious to those who I don't tell?

I have been overweight for at least 15 years of my 25-year life. I want to be thin and I want it NOW! It has taken me 11 weeks to lose 10 pounds; if I keep this pace, I'll be done in November 2011. Wow, that's a long time. I'm hoping my metabolism picks up soon, but I know it might not. I'm trying to mean what I say, that I'm okay with that. It took longer than 2.5 years to get to this size. Sigh. Still, it's difficult.

I'm keeping positive, though. I feel so much better. My body's slimming. I have more energy. I feel better about myself, my health, my body. There are good things happening with me. I just have to be patient until my body catches up.

Third Milestone Down!

I don't really like blogging on the weekends, because I like to spend that time off of the Internet and with my darling hubby. I blog a lot during the week because my job and internship afford me the time to. Even though I didn't blog this weekend, I had a great one weight-wise, because I reached my third milestone! I now weigh 260 pounds! Woohoo! I feel great! I am three milestones down with seventeen to go:

• Begin weight loss journey (270 pounds)--4/27/2009
• Not qualify for weight-loss surgery at lowest no-illness BMI (262 pounds)--6/5/2009
• Lose first ten pounds (260 pounds)--7/19/2009
• Lose twenty pounds (250 pounds)
• Round down to 200 pounds (249 pounds)
• Meet one-quarter mark (240 pounds)
• Not qualify for weight loss surgery at all (236 pounds)
• Lose forty pounds (230 pounds)
• Lose fifty pounds (220 pounds)
• Meet halfway mark (210 pounds)
• Have an "overweight" BMI (202 pounds)
• Lose seventy pounds (200 pounds)
• Be in the one hundreds (199 pounds)
• Lose eighty pounds (190 pounds)
• Meet three-quarters mark (180 pounds)
• Fit a pair of size 12 jeans (not sure where this will happen, but when I started college, I work a 14 or 16 and weighed about 185 pounds)Lose one hundred pounds (170 pounds
• Have a "normal" BMI (168 pounds)
• Lose one hundred and ten pounds (160 pounds)
• Meet final goal (150 pounds)

I feel so great!

I had a really great weekend. We didn't do much, which was great. Other than working out and grocery shopping, I read and watched movies. It was lovely. I bought couscous for the first time, so I'm excited to try that soon, too.

I bought a new scale this weekend. I find it really funny that I was so excited about something I swear at on an almost-weekly basis. It's super-fancy, though--it measures body fat, body hydration, BMI, and bone mass. I really was most interested in the body fat. I have 50% body fat. I find that incredibly crazy. I have a lot of working out and muscle-building to do!

Spirituality and Weight Loss

My MSW internship is at a drug and alcohol rehab and I am often reminded of how the compulsion to overeat is so like the urge to use substances. Tonight we had a group discussion about spirituality and how it plays into recovery. So, I thought I'd work through my own thoughts on how I feel spirituality plays into weight loss.

I'm not a religious person. I grew up in a very spiritual/religious home and at one point as a teenager I came to the conclusion that my parents' faith is not my home. I am extremely respectful of the amount of faith that my parents have; they are great, tolerant people and I know that their spirituality plays into that. I just don't truck with a lot of what their religion stands for. At that time I was highly cynical of religion and all of those that espouse it. I now know that there is a big difference between spirituality and religion. I think it's possible to be spiritual while not religious and vice versa.

Today in group, one client talked about the void they had in their life and that they filled it with drugs. When they got sober, the hole was still there. What could they fill it with?

I feel that I have lived the same way. I filled my ache for worth with food. I had such bad self-esteem as a kid. In college, I asserted my worth with my sexuality with sad results--it only led to more self-hate for allowing myself to be used by guys I knew didn't care about me. Fortunately, that didn't last long because I met my husband soon after beginning college and I was able to be a part of a loving, respectful relationship. Still, that didn't completely fill the void. I had love, companionship, so much to be happy for, but I still did not feel whole. So, I ate. And ate. And ate! At one point, I think I did become happy with where I was in life, but I still ate. And here I am. Now that I'm trying to live a healthier, fuller life, I'm afraid of that void taking over my psyche once more.

People find spirituality in different places. A lot of people talked about finding spirituality when communing with nature in some way or spending time with loved ones. When I used to run, my runs were spiritual--I lived to commune with nature and my body. Being intimate with my husband is a spiritual experience. I choose to embrace all that is going on in my environment and gathering strength from it, whether it is the love of my loved ones, a quiet walk along the river, time to reflect on the goodness in my life. I do feel that there is a Higher Power, but I don't know just what that is for me. For now, the beauty of life is what I hope will fill that void that will likely come as I learn not to rely on the comfort of food.

(I know that there is Overeaters Anonymous. I've thought a lot about becoming a part, but am not sure if OA is for me. I'm interested in attending a meeting to see if it's for me, but not at this point.)

Sugar Sugar

I've started worrying if I'm not eating too much sugar in my diet. When I started this low-sodium lifestyle, I didn't even think that that could be a problem. But most of my desserts are super-sugary now (though pretty low-cal). I really eat a lot of fat-free whipped cream (my ice cream). Today I was really enjoying a snack of Craisins. They have 0 mg of sodium, but are sweetened dried cranberries. If I'd known sugar was added, I wouldn't have bought them. Hopefully I can find plain dried cranberries, because they're so great. I'm worried that this will affect my weight loss progress. Right now, though, I'm just going to focus on sodium. If the scale continues to stay in the same place, I'll reevaluate my plan.